Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The "Can't-be-bothered"s

Oh Gawd! I think I'm becoming self-indulgent...

I have to be careful because I do suffer from agoraphobia and I have to always make sure I'm not allowing myself to slip into old patterns of thinking with that regard. Lately, I've been suffering a lot with the "can't-be-bothered"s when it comes to interacting with other people. Don't get me wrong, I love interacting with others, but sometimes I need a little push to make me "get out there" in the first place.

I had a lovely time at Laura's blessingway the other night, for example, but yesterday I should have taken the boys to homeschooling group and I didn't, even though once I get there I really enjoy the interaction (and so do they)...

I was also supposed to catch up with my friend, Renee and her kids in December/January and well, I haven't even rung her... I haven't received an invite to her daughter's 2nd birthday, and I have to wonder if that is because they're not having a party, or because we didn't go to their son's birthday in November and didn't organise to meet up while Dave and Stuart (who are friends of 30 years or so) were on holidays, maybe she just thinks I don't like her or something?

I've also not be going on forums much these days. I frequent AB, of course, but I'm not posting nearly as much as I used to, it's like I have nothing to say. I'm only visiting NP once or twice a weeks now, and mostly don't post there anymore. I've completely stopped visiting EB. I'm not participating much on my homeschooling lists either.

Instead I post here...

Maybe I just like the sound of my own voice?

I've been playing around with photoshop on and off (very time consuming), but unlike others this is not about working toward any kind of career in DTP... I've been knitting, and that will hopefully lead to some sort of small business venture, but nothing I'd expect to become my life's work, yk?

So, what the hell am I doing with my life, and do I really care???

I mean if I don't put in an effort, I can't expect others to either... Hmmm, I seem to be lacking some sort of motivation and/or direction...

Emerging personality

Just in the last few weeks, Bryn's personlity has really started to make itself known. It shows me just how "sleepy" he was as an infant. I have always told other parents that when their children suddenly stops falling asleep as easily, or staying asleep as easily around 4 months of age it is because they are beginning to "wake up" to the world. With Erik and Luey this was a fairly self-evident phenomenon, in that they were both fairly characteristically infant-like in their first 4 months or so... Erik was looking around the room and interacting from a young age, but still had a lot of "infantness" about him, being floppy and whatnot.

Luey was the classic "infant", obviously very insular in the early months, he didn't sleep a lot, but still had that "I'm not really aware of the world around me" look until about four months of age. Bryn has been quite different.

From about 2 months of age, he seemed quite awake to the world, interested in everything going on around him, loved company, interacted with the boys and so on. I thought he left infanthood back in October. I also thought he was so very laid back and easy going, LOL! In recent weeks (since about New Years) he has really begun to emerge from infanthood though and his personality has really blossomed, and well, hmmm, he's not quite as laid back or easy going as I previously thought.

In fact, Bryn has quite a short fuse, LOL (even shorter than Luey's and that is saying something)... He's interesting actually (well, to this mum anyway), in that he can be quite content just watching the world go by, but it totally has to be on his terms. If he's in a laid back sort of mood, he can sit for hours (literally) just observing the world with this sage expression on his face.

HOWEVER, if he is wanting to do something, and he is thwarted, watch out world! We've already seen glimpses of full blown tantrums because he dropped a toy he was trying to manipulate - WHOA!

I've been observing him closely these last few days and it seems to me that his mind is WAAAAY ahead of his physical capabilities (as is true with all kids), and teamed with his short temper, he can be his own worst enemy, LOL (fancy saying that about a five month old), in that he gets himself all wound up if he can't do what he wants to do on the first try, and then of course, because he is all wound up he has even less chance of achieving his goal the second time around.

Two main areas of development are frustrating him atm. First of all, grasping things. He can grasp with his fingers, if only he can get his hands to where he needs them, but that is the challenge. I see him focusing on something with his eyes, then swinging his arm in that direction to get his hand at the item he wants, but usually he'll swing to hard and miss or knock the item out of the way, so then he tries to compensate by swinging harder the second time, gaining momentum with each swinging and getting more and more frustrated...

The other area is mobility. He desperately wants to crawl, and has figured out pushing off with his toes, but can't seem to co-ordinate his arms to pull himself forward, so usually he just ends up with his bum up and face down, so he pushes harder and harder with his toes and gets more and more frustrated...

Geez, I can't decide if he reminds me of me, or of Dave, we're both like this in our own way, and well it looks like poor Bryn inherited a double dose of blind determination combined with dogged persitence that often doesn't take the time to re-evaluate the situation and come at it from a different direction...

Monday, January 30, 2006

Reality check, sonny boy!

Dave and I have really been struggling with the boys of late. I mean in so many ways, as they get older a lot of things get a hell of a lot easier. Some things, just get harder. This summer, we've heard a lot of, "I don't want to" and just plain old, "No, I just want to do what I want to do" from Erik... It's great that Erik knows his own mind, but he is really into arguing the point with us these days.

Along with that, a lot of his behaviours seem to match Luey's, and while Luey is four and behaving pretty much like a four year old, Erik is six, nearly seven and our expectations (which I have reflected on and don't think are too high) are that he will have a little more self-control or impulse control. In fact, it is often the case that Luey has more impulse control than Erik.

As well as these things, both boys seem to be exhibiting the attitude that everything is to be taken for granted. Great they feel safe, I don't begrudge them that, but we would like to see a little more appreciation from time to time and little less "attitude" with expecting us to just do everything for them and give them whatever they want (something we haven't been in the practice of doing). We like to do nice and fun things for and with our boys, but we have found that they seem to move straight from one "want" to another in lightning fast time, and often they don't even seem to enjoy the things they so badly "wanted" before. This is especially true of Luey.

Anyway, after a trying couple of days, and with the boys fidgeting around the house a lot yesterday, I decided to try something different. I sat them both down, and on a piece of paper for each of them I wrote word/s for them to copy. For Erik I wrote "My name is Erik" and for Luey I simply wrote "Luey". Luey attempted to write his name for about two minutes, then suddenly realised how much fun it would be to play with his trains - fine by me, at least he was doing SOMETHING, not just fidgeting and getting into stuff...

Erik sat and attempted to copy his sentence for a solid 10-12 minutes, then starts telling me it's too hard. He wants to do something else. At this point we launched into a conversation about how if he went to school, he wouldn't just be able to say it was too hard and then go off and doing something else.

I explained to him that being homeschooled didn't mean he could just run amok all the time. That I was only prepared to stick with the homeschooling thing while there was some give and take, and while we were mostly getting along together at home, but if it was always going to be me telling him off and him arguing the point with me, and him never developing any self-restraint and always just expecting to do what he wanted to do (which is our style of education, but not our style of LIFE) then I would probably just end up sending him to school because I didn't want to spend all my time arguing with him and seeing my house pulled apart and being unhappy, someone else could do that, and I could spend my days knitting and working at the computer and playing with Bryn...

I explained to him that many other children would like to be in his position of being able to be at home and learn through play and have a lot of autonomy, but they had to go to school and do what they were told. So, he is quite lucky in that way and he has the power to make being homeschool a marvellous experience, BUT for all that to happen he has to show some consideration for mum and dad and some appreciation, too...

To his credit, I think Erik did understand what I was saying to some extent. Certainly he has been a bit more considerate and appreciative since...

Getting there!


Here are the first three hats I've knitted out of the wool I bought from NZ last week, and I'm soooo happy with the result. I bought six skeins of wool, three were multi-dyed (yeah, I'm making up words now), and three were plain, these are the three multi-dyed ones. I will also knit completely plain hats and hats that are a combination of the two types, with patterns...

My plan is to sell them at markets first, and see how they go. They're only a winter item, but if they take off, at least that will be something to work on (I really need a good summer/cotton pattern to work with)...

It's funny, you know, I feel very shy about trying to sell something I've made. I have no qualms buying other people's home-made stuff, but for some reason I feel like I'm not worthy in some way to be offering stuff for sale, like I'm some sort of fraud - ridiculous, isn't it? I don't mind giving stuff away but I find it really hard to ask for money in return for something I've made... I really need to get past that, LOL!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Junk day hangover

Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai! (as my Amma would say)...

Not feeling crash hot today... Not that I have a real hangover or anything (you just can't get a real hangover on 2 1/2 glasses of champagne), but I have a classic and (for me) familiar old-fashioned food hangover, you know, the kind you get the day after Christmas when you feel sluggish and a little regretful about the overindulgence of processed beige coloured food...

The night before last we had pizza for dinner, with Coke. Then yesterday I had an olive and cheesy roll from Baker's delight, followed by yummy (but deadly) pinwheels, herb and garlic pull apart, fruit cheese and crackers, a timtam, a square of chocolate and a delicious choc dipped strawberry (my first even - might as well have been cocaine, LOL, I'm sure I dreamt choc dipped strawberries last night)... Had a can of (complimentary from homeshop) Coke zero when I got home (bloody hell if they have actually come up with a sugarfree variety that tastes like the REAL thing - or maybe it's just been so long, I can't tell the difference any more???)...

Now, in the old days, this last 36 hours would have represented a normal days food intake for me, but in the past month or so I've eaten a lot of unprocessed fresh food, and well, I'll be buggered if my tastes aren't beginning to change, because now I feel slightly unsatisfied and somewhat unhappy that I ate food that I really didn't enjoy that much (except the choc dipped strawberry, and let's face it, the strawberry was a fresh food, right) at the time of eating...

The other thing is, for me, being a bit of a carb addict, I have this sense that come 4pm this afternoon, I'll start craving the things I've had in the past 36 hours because my blood sugar will be right up there... Oh well, I know this might happen, so I'll be prepared and I'll drink lots of water, make sure I get I nice fresh lunch (will go sliced meats and salad, instead of a sandwich, I think).

I have to keep focused on my goal, which is to become healthier overall, this doesn't mean no "treats", it just means to make sure treats are just that and do not become the main players in my diet...

Friday, January 27, 2006

Blessingway blessings...

I just read an outline of the itinerary (is that the right word, sounds wrong) for a blessingway I'll be attending tomorrow night, gosh it read beautifully. Using the Buddhist tradition of binding the pregnant woman's family and friends together with a red thread so that leading up to the birth they can keep the pregnant woman in their thoughts!

When I had my blessingway before I had Bryn, I incorporate Pagan ritual (being a Pagan, myself), which also included the ability for those in attendance to send me positive energy through lighting anointed candles.

I can understand why women are more and more turning towards these spiritual get togethers in preparation for birth rather than the more recent traditional babyshower which provided more for the practicalities of a new addition to a household.

With so much emphasis already on "baby propelled consumerism", the deeply spiritual journey that is becoming a mother, even for women who do identify with one or another spiritual tradition, has been neglected.

We have swung so far from treating women as if they are suddenly made of porcelain during pregnancy, that being pregnant is often not honoured at all. Many women are still expected to be the same person they were before conceiving their baby despite carrying the spirit of another person within them - even in scientific terms the presence of another human within a human is mindboggling, but these days so readily overlooked as an emotional/spiritual/psychological journey.

I feel, because of this oversight, women often come into motherhood bewildered at the sudden changes they experience, and often suddenly feel lost with regard to who they are now, in this new circumstance. They feel as though their "self" has been spirited away while they were out buying baby clothes and nappies and cute little teddy bears...

In reality, what has happened is the woman has been distracted from the subtle changes in her very spirit by working through her pregnancy, buying lots of baby stuff, "preparing" without reflection on her deeper emotional, psychological and spiritual changes. She can never actually get back to who she was before she conceived this child, and with reflection she would probably find she actually no longer really wants to be that person, but because she hasn't had support in noticing and acknowledging the subtle changes, the grief of not being able to say goodbye to her former self can suddenly overwhelm her and even fill her with resentment or fear towards her new baby and the changes baby represents...

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Australia Day



Well, it's been a funny Australia Day, stinking hot (as you might expect) with a massive storm just before dinner that caused several shorts and lost me the first draft of the above layout, LOL (always remember to back up!!!)...

Thought I'd do a quite sum up of what I think of when thinking of what being Australian means to me...

My most potent thoughts relate back to my childhood in Whyalla, back then I felt Australian, since then I have felt that way, possibly because I live overseas for all of my teen years and then some...

What is essential Australia for me:

  • Days so hot you can't go outside
  • The smell of rain on hot cement at the end of days so hot you can't go outside
  • The sound of thunder that rolls in and out without a drop of rain for four years
  • Long dusty drives through salt bush to "go visit Nanna and Grandad" after Christmas
  • Stirring up the red dust on a Kawasaki on the weekend with mum and dad
  • Wagon Wheels melting in your hand as you eat
  • Vegemite sandwiches for school lunch
  • Carols by candlelight on a 28 degree evening in shorts and sandals
  • Sausages cooked over a camp fire in the back yard
  • The penetrating sound of Cicadas at night
  • Magpies warbling at first light
  • Banana Paddlepop icecreams
  • The smell of school uniforms dried in the sun
  • Apricots in the backyard from the overhanging tree belonging to Mrs Rogers next door
  • Melamine Skippy plates
  • Twisties
  • Icecream on the foreshore
  • Floating in the sea in an innertube
  • Looking for trapdoor spider in an empty lot

Tonight for dinner we had panfried chicken (in herbs and spices) sliced and served with salad, the kids loved it...

AND I found out my mum's youngest sister, my Aunty Helga, who is 5 years older is having her third baby in two months time, so I'll have a new cousin 6-7 months younger than my youngest! Icelanders don't talk about pregnancy, and so while I've talked to all my family over there a lot in the past 7 months, it was only an errant comment that let slip that Helga is due soon...

Size slum

This was something that occurred to me the other day...

As I've mentioned earlier, I'm on a quest to improve my health and lose weight as well. Back in October of 2004, A month before I got pregnant with Bryn, I weighed in at 112kg... I had tried to get pregnant for two months unsuccessfully. I know that isn't a lot of time, but for me it was the longest it had ever taken - I had gotten pregnant four times before that one the first or second attempt. I decided it was my weight that was making it difficult to get pregnant and so embarked on regime to lose weight. I cut out most all sugar and carbs and walked every morning, in the following month I lost 6kg and got pregnant.

During my pregnancy, I didn't put on any excess weight, but in fact lost weight. I went up to 112.5kg at the end of my pregnancy and then a week after Bryn was born I down to 104kg, 6 weeks later I was down to 101kg and stayed there for a couple of months, despite eating a lot of chips and chocolate and drinking nearly 2lt of Coke every day (NOT the diet stuff)...

When I was at my heaviest I was somewhere between a size 22-24 - depending on where I shopped. When I got down to 101kg, I suddenly found my size 22 clothing getting too big, and realised how close I was to fitting into a size 18, then in the last few weeks I've dropped more weight thanks to new changes in my diet. I can now fit into the size 18 clothing from the plus size range at Target (the plus size 18 is definitely more generously cut that the size 18 from their women's section!)...

Ok, now where I shop at my local Target, the plus size section is at the back of the shop. I've been shopping in that section for 4+ years, and seriously it feels like going to "the forbidden zone"... Like the plus sizes are banished to the back of the shop because if you have to shop there, you certainly don't want to be seen...

So, anyway, a week or so ago, when it dawned on me that I'm just going to keep at this and keep losing weight, I realised that in a couple of months or so, I will be able to shop from the regular women's clothing section AT THE FRONT of the shop! So, I decided I'd have a look at what was on offer for "normal sized women" - I felt like I was trespassing, like every woman browsing in that section was asking themselves what that fat lady was doing looking at the size 14 to 18 sizes... Of course, they probably weren't, but it had been so long since I'd checked out that section that I actually felt like a second class citizen, LOL... It dawned on me that there was a sizing strata and the plus size section was the women's clothing "slum" stuck at the back of the store and shunned... A place for all the "unclean" plus sized women to skulk to while their partners checked out the adjoining dvd section...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Let's face it, love hurts...

I know the title sounds rather pessimistic, but bare with me...

By this I mean, loving someone means being vunerable and accepting that seperation or loss will lead to pain...

Why am I mulling over this? Well, we've had a couple of rough days, my boys and I. After yesterdays incident, which I had decided to forgive myself and move on about, today brought more challenges...

The boys were pretty full on from the get go this morning. At the moment they're right into superheros, Batman, Superman, The Flash and so on. Dave kind of enjoys this because at this age he collected all those comics. The down side of this is that the boys like to don their capes and race around the house, arms outstretched ahead of them.

So, they were sent outside to play. This means a lot of getting up and peeking out of windows to keep an eye on them. Then I get on the phone with a friend while feeding Bryn, and next thing I no there is silence outside...

You know, the sound of silence is not at all golden in this household, where the kids are concerned. So, I get up and look out the window and our front gate is open. So, I go and call out to the boys (bad move), so they come racing FROM ACROSS THE STREET! Erik is miles ahead of Luey, so they cross seperately, neither of them looking for traffic! My heart was in my mouth, but I had Bryn in my arms and couldn't race to stop them. They make it over the road without incident, but I'm FURIOUS!!! You might say, hey, but you should have been watching them, but seriously this happened in the span of a minute, they were out of the yard and over the road...

I get them inside, and get off the phone and ball the out... I try desperately to impress upon them the dangers of leaving the yard and crossing a road on their own without any supervision, and without me even knowing they're gone! I can see my word sink through their skulls but slide of their conscious like so much fried eggs on a teflon surface... It's just an exercise in futility.

I send them out again stressing they're not to leave the yard, EVEN if the boys next door ask them to (they idolise the boys next door, compared to those boys, Dave and I don't stand a chance)...

Ten minutes later they come in begging lunch. That's fine.

Then I tell them I need them to nap so I can get a break. I go to deal with Bryn who has been grizzly all morning. When I come back out into the dining room, they're gone. Left the house. I put Bryn in his rocker and go out side. They run around the perimeter of the house, I have no chance of catching them. I eventually get them to go inside, but then I hear Bryn screaming his head off - he doesn't want to be put down, he doesn't want to be alone.

Agan I lose it (that is all I seem to do atm)... I feel so powerless. I can't get them to listen or comprehend. They're going to get themselves hurt or worse. In a year's time Bryn will be a toddler and they'll leave the yard and he'll follow them and be off down the street...

I feel so frustrated!!!

It would be so much harder if I didn't give a damn, you know? If I could just say, "I don't care what happens to you, go play in the street for all I care"... If ANYONE else frustrated me this much, I would just leave them or kick them out of my life. There is no way to make them listen to me without hurting them, and because of this love I have for them hurting them in any way breaks my heart and makes me feel sick, but letting them do as they please also makes me sick, with worry...

That is why love hurts.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

More about today...

I felt even worse, when I discovered that Luey had not put the Angelite in the bottom of the pram, but rather in my nappybag, and so it wasn't lost at all...

Anyway, it looks like the other two purchases I made at the Crystal stall were very timely. I bought (based on attraction) a Manganocalcite and an Amazonite... This is what sources say about these Crystals (from, http://www.crystalsandjewelry.com/metaphysicalproperties_a.html) :

Manganocalcite: is a calming stone that eases and
heals the heart chakra. It fills the heart with universal and self-love. It
offers hope for the best. Manganocalcite heals inner child hurts and past abuse by filling one with a sense of motherly love.
Manganocalcite It is also excellent for channeling and astral travel. It also greatly helps with studying and retaining information learned.
Manganocalcite is a nurturing stone that helps us take care of ourselves. It enables us to accept love and have self-love, and act on and with loving behaviors. It is a high powered stress reliever that relieves anxiety, stress and tension. It also removes fears of all kinds and reduces nightmares.


Physically, pink manganocalcite is beneficial for general health and healing, bones, joints, kidney, uterus, and physical heart issues. Manganocalcite is associated with the heart chakra.

Amazonite: is a mint green to aqua green stone of truth,
honor, communication, integrity and trust. It is said to enhance intuition, psychic powers, creativity, intellect, and psychic ability. Amazonite is often associated with the throat chakra, and as such, can be beneficial to communication. It aligns the physical and astral bodies. It can lessen stress and self-defeating behaviors by calming and building self-esteem. Amazonite can assist with peacefully making the transition out of this life. Amazonite is said to heal emotional disturbances and the after effects of emotional trauma. It is reputed to have spiritual energy healing powers of preventive energy that's good
for one's health in general, decreasing heart problems, benefitting the muscles, helping the nervous system, lessening tooth decay and osteoporosis.


While these Crystals didn't prevent my distructive behaviour this afternoon, I feel that having them in my possession may have had something to do with how sick I felt afterwards. Certainly, I feel compelled to work harder on this part of my relationship with my children. I apologise to both of them this after, especially Luey - I know that won't take back my actions, but I hope it is the last time I have to apologise for those actions.

Two steps forward, one step back...

Today I thought I'd take the boys down the street. It's been so hot these past few days, we've been home all the time, and their cabin fever was right up there this morning. So, just after midday we trundled to the bus stop and went up to the shopping centre. I weighed myself and weighed in at 97.3kg (which is 1.1kg since last Monday)... The I took the boys to Red Rooster for a special treat lunch (with water instead of soft drink or juice, and goddamnit if they don't charge an extra $1.20 for the water instead of just substituting it for the other drink options, grrr)...

Then I checked out a couple of places and the last stop was to a stand, I know, in the centre that sells Crystals. I just wanted to see if they sold anything off interest, or just the usual stuff. Well, they definitely sold interesting stuff! Erik begged for a rock and thinking I would encourage him, I got him an Angelite he chose after much ponderance. Luey, of course had to have the same. The Angelite cost $8 a piece (was way cheaper online, btw!)... Anyway, then we went up to the buses and home.

The kids had been their usual restless selves while out, but I felt like I'd handled it really well. When we got home Erik asked to stay outside, but because we had some trouble with the neighbours son this morning, I said no. Erik didn't argue the point with me, to my relief.

So, in we go... Erik goes straight to his room, I got about setting Bryn up on the floor and Luey turns the telly on and is playing with a car he got at RR... I go into Erik's room to ask him something, but he is not there, I call out to him, and suddenly it occurs to me to check his window. Behind the net curtain, his window is wide open, and as I approach it, I see him duck around the corner of the house... I call out to him to come here, NOW! He does. I have him climb back through the window and inside, and I'm berating him for climbing out his window.

Then I ask for the stone back. At the same time, Luey does something he isn't supposed to and so I ask for his back, too... I'm feeling angry and hurt because I feel like I've done some special things with them today to make their day fun, and to get out of the house. Now it's like that take it all for granted and think it's just fine to go behind my back and steal things or sneak out of the house...

Luey tells me he doesn't have his stone anymore, he put it in the pram. I search the pram, and it's not there because I wasn't aware that he put it there and when I got on the bus home I folded the pram up and it must have fallen out. Suddenly this ball of rage, a feeling of being hurt and taken for granted and ignored and taken advantage of all bundled up just flies up out of me and I slap Luey... on the face... Then I suddenly feel sick and I burst into tears, and I want to vomit... I'm still feeling anger and hurt, but also sick at my own actions. I want to hug the boys and apologise, but I still feel so angry and hurt. Instead I go into the study and shut the door...

Erik comforts Luey.

Why can't I control my temper? Luey is four years old, he doesn't understand the value of money, and even if he did, he can't foresee the stone falling out of the pram if it is folded without me knowing it's in there. Why am I losing my temper with him. Why do I believe they owe me for being their mum? Why do I believe they are taking advantage of me?

Now, I just feel tired and drained.

I don't want me boys to fear me like I feared my mum for most of my life. Yet, I see that same fear in their faces at times. I try to control my temper and I fail so miserably...

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Tiger Iron Incident

No, I'm not about to write about golfing, so if you're a golfing enthusiast, you might as well mosey along...

This is my Tiger Iron egg. It's not very big, fits into the palm of my hand very nicely, but I'm beginning to sense it's a fairly potent crystal! Here's my story...

The blurb that came with the Tiger-iron stated the following,

Tiger Iron is a blend of Hermatite, Red Jasper & Tiger Eye. Helps bring dreams into effect without hesitation. Enhances clarity. Very grounding (I need that!). Alleviates fear. Physically oriented increasing vitality & life-force. Accentuating all healing.

So, anyway, because I was feeling very much at a low ebb today, energy wise, I decided (after Dave got home from his meeting and Bryn was having a nap) to do a shortist meditation and card time, and then have a nap with the Tiger Iron tucked under my boob (yeah, those National Geographic boobs are endlessly useful for storing stuff under...).

So, off I doze into byesy land, it wasn't a particularly deep sleep (in fact, I felt like I was still trying to get to sleep), but about 40 minutes later I stirred because I could feel this pulsing, vibrating sensation. I was somewhere in that no-mans land between not asleep but not fully compis, and I could feel this faint vibrating that would come on for about 5 seconds then go away for 3-4 seconds, then come back. My teeth were vibrating. I let myself rise further up into consciousness trying to figure out what was causing the vibrations - no, my mobile was in the pram in the hall, and I couldn't hear any electrical appliances or power tools going...

Then it dawned on me that perhaps the Tiger Iron had activated, and perhaps being in such close proximity with the Clear Quartz (which was in my pendant, around my neck) it had started to hum... I tried to drift back off to sleep by the vibrating became more pronounced, so I removed the Tiger Iron from it's pozzie under my boob and put it under my pillow, and the vibrating stopped and I drifted back off to sleep!

That's the first time I've ever experienced anything like that!

Getting deeply metaphysical now (you've been warned)...

I received a message the other night that I am no longer Indigo, I've been working on myself fairly intensely for over a year and slowly been gaining a higher consciousness/awareness. I'm VERY comfortable with calling myself an Indigo, but that is now my past, that is what I was and what I needed to be to get through my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.

When I my meditation and cards this afternoon, I repeatedly got the message that I need to let my past be my past and embrace my new future. First the number 225 popped into my head and I referenced the Angel numbers book and it said,

Trust that this change is for the best, you're in a period of transition -
letting go of the past and that which is no longer working. Let go and
move forward with confidence and faith.

Then I drew an angel card and got Isaiah, which said,

It's a good time to give birth to new ideas and situations in your life, I am
watching over you, guiding you and protecting you during these changes. (there
is more, but this is the basic message of the card)

Then, I felt confused, because I still didn't really understand the message, so I drew again and got Archangel Michael, which said,

I am with you, giving you courage to make life changes that will help you work
on your Divine life purpose.

Ok, now you'd think I'd gotten the message by now, but I was feeling a little energy drained remember, and a little dull in the comprehenion office of the brain, so I finally drew a Goddess card, and got Artemis, which said,

You and your loved ones are safe and spiritually protected.

Like me you have a sacred mission to spread love and light. Yet thisisn't a position that comes from tension or worry. Instead the gentle essence of a joyful heart and lighthearted laughter sets your power into
motion. Why would there be any tension in your mind or system unless
you believed you were unsafe? And how could you be unsafe when you
have called upon the spiritual warriors to watch over you? Your
prayers have activated the flawless protection of Heaven. So, ease
your mind of all cares and concerns, and concentrate instead upon your holy
mission.

In other word, "You know what we're trying to tell you, it's ok, just go with it!"...

So, it seems I'm no longer an Indigo, I'm a Crystal or a lightworker (I'm not sure which), I have been for a while, but now my transformation is complete because I've accepted the messages coming to me and cast of my cynicism.

I think my fears have been that others (my friends) might think I've lost the plot, LOL... But I'm interested in converting anyone to my way of thinking, I believe there are endless ways to partake of Spirituality, all are valid! There are many languages and cultures, so why not many paths?

Uh, um, what was I going to say?

I feel like a zombie this morning...

This heat is just tossing me about like a foul wet rag...

Between Dave going in overtime to attend meetings last week and this, and me having a head cold, 26 degree nights, and thirsty bubbas, I'm starting to wind down like some old rusty toy... This morning was a real trial to get out of bed (even though it wasn't until 8.30)... Bryn had fed pretty steadily the first half of the night, so when he woke this morning, instead of trying to feed him back to sleep, I just called out to Dave to come take him. Luckily Bryn is a happy morning chappy and seems to enjoy sitting in his rocker in the loungeroom with the other boys first thing.

Anyway, at 8.30 Dave comes in to wake me, he has to take a shower and go, I have to get up to be around for the kids. I struggle to sit up and feel very light headed and hung over. Then it's change and feed this one, and wipe that one's bum, and get the other one a drink. The I remember I forgot some administrative work on the site I co-admin, so quickly on to do that...

Then I end up hear...

My head is so fuzzy... I not even awake yet... The boys are coming to me with their capes - Luey wants to be a "dooperhero"...

Sunday, January 22, 2006


To my little angel heart...

Healthier Us!


Over three weeks into the New Year, and all year, so far, we've been eating pretty healthfully. We've had take away once - pizza... The boys have had Hungry Jacks once, that's it, all the rest has been home prepared food, and that is a big change for us in and of itself.

Moreso, we've changed our dinner menu considerably. Introducing a lot more fresh vegies. Our out more processed food. When Erik was a baby, we ate very healthfully, but somehow we let that slide after Luey was born, and in the past 2-3 years things had really slipped... We were eating a lot of processed foods. Meat meals every night, frozen vegies, if any at all... We were eating a lot of jar based meat/sauce/pasta or rice dishes, not a lot of vegies, and certainly not fresh ones, unless potatoes count...

I knew this wasn't good, but we were in the bad habit of buying night to night, instead of weekly shops, and so we didn't have the food in the house, and also we were always looking to cut corners because we were always tired (probably because we didn't eat any fresh foods!)...

So, anyway, just before Christmas we started shopping online (Dave's idea), and it has made a big difference. First of all, it gave me a good look at what we do eat. Secondly, when our motherboard died and we were computerless, I had to get Jen to put in an order for us, and as I read out our list, I found myself feeling rather embarrassed by the lack of fresh food on our shopping list...

So, we've made changes. In the picture above you see the boys seated for dinner last night (yeah, my boys get around in their undies/nappies mostly in summer)... In front of them is the dinner I made (to those of you who know me well, don't laugh, it didn't require cooking, so no chancing of burning anything)... We had lettuce, then tuna and five bean salad with whole fat mayonnaise (chose whole over lite, have you seen how much sugar is in the lite variety???)... Dice tomato, and corn. The boys actually liked it! Erik cleaned his plate and asked for more. Luey wasn't too keen on the beans, but ate some and finished everything else. Dave still needed to eat a sandwich afterward, even though I found it quite filling (he craves carbs, there just weren't enough of them for him)... On the whole though, it was a success... And this is how it's been all week.

I feel such a sense of relief, really, knowing we're doing the right thing by the kids. Yes, they'd rather have fish and chips, but well how about once in a while instead of once a week?

Oh, and for the past six weeks I've drank between 6-8 litres of plain mineral water each week (I buy in bulk). Now, I know you're supposed to drink like 2-3 litres of water a day, and I fall short of that, especially as I do drink coffee, which counteracts water consumption. However, before six weeks ago I hardly every drank water, maybe a litre a week, and I was still drink coffee, and about 12 litres of Coke a week... So, I really happy with my efforts there!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Dodgy Meh, Mamma!


Bryn has begun to display one of Dave's personality quirks... He gets pissed off by inaminate objects that aren't doing what he expects them to do in the time frame he has deemed reasonable (usually that timeframe is about 5.3 seconds)...

How is this particular personality quirk expressing itself? Well, he get impatient on the boob. It seems he thinks I have dodgy boobs (better known as Meh in this household), that don't "let down" fast enough. His solution to this rather serious and annoying problem is to grunt loudly and impatiently and kick his legs furiously while simultaneously tugging at my nipple with his clenched gums...

Now, why he thinks THAT is going to encourage let down, I don't know... I personally find it rather distracting and uncomfortable, which to my mind would mean I probably tense up (even while practicing relaxing breathing techniques to encourage let down), thereby stalling let down...

Is this a male thing? The belief that if something is not co-operating, being obnoxious and roughing the inanimate object up a bit will ensure compliance?

Who knows, meanwhile Bryn seems to just be getting himself all wound up and not really helping the situation much with all his tugging and grunting - maybe he thinks the boob is ignoring him, and so a few quick tugs with clenched gums will snap it out of its haze... Thank goodness he doesn't have teeth yet!!!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Telling time


Thought you might be wondering what we do as natural learners, or "radical unschoolers" - how our kids learn stuff without a set curriculum... Here's a good example...

This photo was taken minutes ago, as I speak Erik and Luey are sitting with Dadda at the dining room table playing a game, very similar to "Memory" where they have a board or two each with pictures of different times of the day. There are a bunch of cards laid face down in the middle and each child takes it in turn to pick out a card, and see if they can match it to their board, if not, they have to return the card to its place, and the next child has a turn. This way we can open discussion about time, and they become familiar with the difference appearance of face clocks at different times... This is both fun and educational, but we only play the game if the boys ask to play it as they did today :D...

They grow up sooo fast!


My babies just keep growing and growing, and I'm at loss to explain how this seems to happen faster and faster with each child...

Here's Bryn sitting in the "back position" in my sling last night while I helped Dave make burritos for dinner (yeah, that's me looking a bit unglamourous - hey, I have a cold, give me a break!)... Now, "they" (the big sling gurus in the sky) don't recommend putting babies in the back position until they about 12 months old. Luey was about 9 months old when I start him in that position, and Bryn is only a tiny 5 months old (not that you'd guess it, looking at him, had a young mum tell me at the bank today that her 7 month old is the same size as him - and that baby was 8.5lbs at birth, so no preemie)...

Bryn is very stable, and seemed quite happy back there for 1/2 hour or so... It's good in a way that he is able to be carried on my back already because he weighs about 8.8kg now, and is a bit of a lump to be carrying out front, and he's also long in the torso, so gets in the way of my arm when on my hip... But he's growing up sooo fast, my little Buddha!

My other baby is getting to be such a big boy, too... Here his is with Dadda, just about an hour ago, reading "Where is the Green Sheep" by the wonderful Mem Fox (CANNOT RECOMMEND THIS BOOK HIGHLY ENOUGH!!!)... By reading, I mean, he recited every page to Dave - Erik started memorising books at the age of two, and had "Slinky Malinky" by Lynley Dodd (another GREAT book), down pat by about 3... Luey didn't seem to be that into memorising books, but today he knew this book off by heart - that's the first big step to real reading. My beautiful boy! And look how much he enjoyed the book, too!

Confessions of a shop-a-holic...

Oh dear, I think I may be in a "phase" again...

I've gone through stages in my life when I've been compelled to buy stuff. Now, I'm always fairly judicious in my purchases. I always find stuff we "need", like clothes for the boys, or birthday presents, or household goods. I almost NEVER pay full price for anything. But there have been times in my life when I've felt this compulsion to buy stuff, to hand over money and receive goods, goods I could well get along without...

Take these tops for example, they're gorgeous (in my opinion), and only $13 each, so very reasonable, and there were only these two left in my size, they'll be excellent for winter! BUT, would I have gone naked without these two tops? Hardly! I have a bunch of tops that would be fine for winter, I didn't NEED any more tops (yes, I'm losing weight, but these are in my current size anyway)...

I'm currently waiting on 8 packages from ebayers, full of clothing for Bryn. Now truth be told, I didn't have any clothing in his size any more as I got rid of every up to size two a few years back. I've spent less than $100 and got him a complete wardrobe for winter - great forward planning! So, why then did I feel compelled to put four crew neck long sleeved ts on layby for him (total cost $32)? He would probably be fine without them... My justification was that he's a reflux baby (aren't they all these days, LOL) and so I change him a couple of times a day... But I do have a drawer full of old bibs, I just hate bibs...

Here's a purchase I made, though, that I'm very happy with... This is a silver cage pendant that I can put crystal or other stuff in (currently carrying a clear quartz in it, imbued with my desire to become more healthy)... I could well have done with this one, but I really, really wanted it...

I've vowed not to touch ebay until February now, though...

And while I on the subject of spending money unnecessarily... Yesterday I bought a custom slot at
www.fruitsaladnappies.com . Do I "need" more nappies atm, no I don't... However, I love these nappies, they sit really well on Bryn, and I love the look of them. The custom slot allowed me to choose my fabric, so I didn't have to wait for something other than bloody Carebears or Winnie the Pooh to turn up... So, I'm order three, argh! Why three? Well, because Brooke told me she is about to up the price, and I know once winter comes along it will be harder for me to get nappies dry because we don't have a dryer... Oh dear, these are just rationalisations!

I really need to get a grip, the spending is symptomatic of something, some insecurity, need to figure out what...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Radical Unschooling

That is what we do in this house, though this term is almost "dirty" even within the homeschooling community...

What does it mean?

It means Dave and I don't "provide" and education for our children at all. We only assist them (when asked) in learning whatever knowledge or skills they are interested in learning, at the time, and for the duration that they are interested.

I've trained as a teacher. I have an undergraduate degree in Communications (Professional Writing), and post graduate diploma in Vocational Education and Training, and a Masters degree in Education (specialising in Early Childhood Development)... Through out all my learning and research about how people communicate and how children and adults learn and develop, I've come to understand that the inquisitive nature of human beings ensures that even without direction, the human child (or adult, if not depressed or oppressed, and even still) will can't help but learn those skills and information that s/he finds useful.

It is completely possible to learn skills and information that one does not feel are relevant and useful, most of us do this every day against our will, however, the process of doing so creates a furtile ground for resentment of "learning", where people become actively resistant to learning because they feel it eats into their "playtime" (the time they use to learn things that interest them and are of use to them)...

Education research has proven that skills and information that are assimilated during "playtime" are retained far longer and with greater saturation than skills and information which are assimilated through enforced learning.

Therefore I believe, and I have managed to mostly convince Dave of this, that leaving our boys to learn things as they are inspired to learn them, is the best way to insure they retain what they learn.

It requires a lot of faith, and I find that I am unable to find peers who have the same degree of faith that I have in this process. Most home educating parents feel the need to actively impose some sort of "education' on their children, even for their own reassurance, whereas I feel this risks dampening the child's enthusiasm for learning, even mildly. Each encounter of "you MUST do this exercise, or this project" however small, put a bad taste of learning onto the sensitive palette of the developing child...

Call me crazy, LOL, I'm used to it...

Parenting POWER struggle

Something I've been musing over the last few days...

Ok, the other night I did a quick search of blogs about homeschooling (we homeschool), and came across one where the blogger was arguing that you'd have to be insane to homeschool because as much as she loves her toddler, she can't wait for him to go to daycare/creche/preschool (sorry, I can't remember which she said). Anyway, this same blogger referred to her child as Toddler in Chief (or TIC)... And it struck me that very often these days, when I see parents talking about how their kids are overwhelming them, they also have a tendency to refer to their kid in a manner that suggests a power struggle between the parent and the child, usually putting the child in the position of lording it over the parent.

Now, as a Child Development Specialist (yeah, yeah, giving myself a lofty title here, but hey, I think I kind of earned it with all my studies in Child development, both officially (through my Masters degree) and unofficially)... I know that children do not actively seek to dominate their parents, but rather to gain control over their environment (just as all humans want control over their environment, children are no less entitled to seeking out this source of autonomy, they are, afterall "adults-in-apprentice" (hereafter referred to as the AIA))...

Now, from a philosophical stand point, you can argue that the need to dominate comes from a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, parents who feel constantly dominated by their children, must be experiencing a sense of powerlessness that leads to resentment.

And then, from the perspective of the child, aka the AIA, it must be pretty unnerving to find that the person who is supposed to be teaching you how to become an autonomous adult, is unable to set the agenda or is constantly resentful of your presence.

Power struggles are commonplace in Western society these days, and I believe they stem from a sense of powerlessness. People are constantly told they are not in control, of themselves or their environment. This message is used to sell all sorts of products from diet products to clothing and cars and furniture. Ikea (the furniture chain) has a whole marketing strategy based on the message that "You are not in control of your possessions, but if you buy our products, we can help you control your possessions", hehehe... And every day thousands of people buy into that message...

You know, if you buy Lynx (deodorants), you can control the opposite sex?!

If you buy the right suit, you can control whether or not you get that next job?!

If you employ the strategies of the Supernanny, the Babywhisperer, and Furber you can control you baby?!

But what does that lead to?

Well, more people who feel externally controlled, and so have no sense of internal control, and feel overwhelmed as parents because, now, it's no longer their parents, or the opposite gender, or the boss controlling them, it's their 15 month old (or in my case, my 6 and 4 year olds)...

So, instead of having to be "in control", why can we try to co-exist with our children, set boundaries for their safety, but not call them names or threaten them with holy hell if they don't listen, just be understanding that their job is to test the boundaries, ours is to gently, but firmly, with complete respect for their job, to maintain the boundaries, and at the same time understand that for them to NOT feel the power struggle we feel, they must experience some autonomy so they can become comfortable with making their own decisions, and being responsible for their own lives without someone else always having to step in to tell them what, when, how, why, and who...

In the Pink

After my blog yesterday I suddenly came down with a headcold, it came on like a tidal wave of fogginess and a streaming nose! I couldn't think clearly enough to write anything. Kept trying to finish a layout I had started the day before, but just couldn't get my thoughts co-ordinated. Spent a lot of the day ragging on the boys to clean their room, especially Erik, who had been caught feeding himself out of MY special yogurt (geez, I'm like my dad), and then had hopped out of his bedroom window when left alone in his room to tidy it as repayment for eating MY yogurt...


I still feel feverish today, but am determined to do something more constructive with my day...
So, here is the first of those many blogs I promised you guys yesterday...


Look at my beautiful boy, isn't he just heavenly!!! This is an outfit I bought of ebay this last week, and it arrived the day before yesterday. It's so bright and cheerful and comfy for him - being both short sleeved and made from terry... I just love it!
Not only that, but it represents a recent struggle within me to get past PINK being a girls colour...


I've been talking it large lately about how children should be able to wear all colours that suit them and they like without it having any bearing on their personality or gender assignment or whatever. Recently Target launched the summer range of boys clothing, with a fair chunk of it being in a pastel salmon pink. One t-shirt even emblazoned with the slogan, "Tough boys were Pink" (and a skull and cross bones, just to drive the fact home, LOL)...


And yet, I can't help but see my boy in this outfit and feel the need to JUSTIFY putting him in it both to myself and others! It's not a dress (though boys should be able to wear dresses too), it's not frilly or covered in flowers and bows, it's not even entirely pink, and yet, I worry that people may think I'm TRYING to turn him into a girl because I've expressed so often how much I would have liked a daughter.

I've heard terrible stories of insane mum dressing their boys up as girls throughout childhood, and convincing the boy he is a girl. These kinds of stories always have me questioning my own motives for dressing Bryn in pink. But I have no desire to change his personality or gender. I just really like pink and feel I should be allowed to dress my child in pink, or any other colour of my choosing.

Pink is JUST a colour, it has no power to change a person's personlity or gender.

There, I think I've gotten all the social conditioning out of my system...

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

This blogging thing...

I've come to a decision about blogging. I was going to only blog once a day, but as you can see my blogs are pretty long, and I think that can be hard for some people to sit down and read in one go. Also, the title system doesn't work, when I need to go outside the "theme" of the blog. So, I've decided that I have so much to say on so many diverse (or maybe not so much) topics, that I'll probably blog more than once a day, some days, but each blog will be dedicated to one subject.

I think this will also be good exercise for my writing - kind of like writing mini-articals on things that interest me (and maybe some of you?)...

(Hey, for some reason I don't have all my settings in this post window - where are my fonts? Where is the colour pallette???)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Contact!

Wow, speaking of manifesting...

About a week ago, I wrote in a reflection book I have running irl atm, that it would be nice to get back in contact with my extended family on my dad's side. The last time I talked (irl) to, or saw, anyone from that side of the family was about 6 years ago, when Erik was Bryn's age!

About 9.5 years ago, I had a falling out with my paternal Grandmother. I'd just recently gotten together with Dave, and being rather emotionally immature, could not thinking, or speak, about anything else. I'd gone on holiday with an aunt and her kids, and my grandmother, and my constant jabbering on about Dave was starting to irretate them. I was basically told not to mention him again (which I thought was a bit harsh, but looking back, I can see how irretating I must have been to them)... But the fall out wasn't about that, so much as about my Grandmother getting very upset over the fact that I'd announced that Dave and I might be moving in together, but not getting married. My family (that side of my family especially) is Christian, very much so, not just in name. So, to live with someone outside of marriage is a bad, bad thing. So, anyway, my Grandmother thought it might be useful to call my a whore, to drive the point home about how wrong it would be to live with a man I wasn't married to (not that it had stopped her in her youth, but that was ancient history)...

Anyway, I was very upset by this, and other things that were said and done on that holiday, and went home early. I haven't spoken to my Grandmother since..

I did see that Aunt and most of her family (but not the cousin I got along best with) a couple of years later (after Dave and I married and Erik was born). She sent Christmas cards for a couple of years... I then got in contact with her daughter (the cousin I was closest to), and we spoke once or twice on msn, but then not again in the past two years, until this morning!

So, talk about manifesting! I say I want contact with that side of the family and a week later, there is contact! We've already swapped a couple of emails. She had a son a year ago. Another cousin, who already had two boys, is pregnant again, and due around Bryn's first birthday. This cousin is apparently coming to Melbourne next month for a week, and we tentatively talked about meeting up!

I'm pretty excited about all this, but at the same time a little nervous. They're all Christians, I'm a Pagan, and there is already a history of that side of the family speaking their mind on issues - though not this cousin, so maybe it won't be an issue if it comes up - at least not one we speak about... I have no issue with them being Christians, I think that is great! But then again, I think all religion is an expression of the same understanding, they don't...

Anyway, I sent my cousin a bunch of photos, including these two I took of the older boys this morning...

Monday, January 16, 2006

Dave


Gee, you know I love the guy, but sometimes he drives me spare. He is set to get a redundancy soon, and will then be out of work. As he sees it, his options are to; a) find another job pdq, b) go on some sort of Centrelink payment and then look for work, c) get into a NEIS program and try to get his small publishing idea off the ground.

Now, part of him just wants to take a break from it all. Work this part year or more has been pretty stressful. The thing is, he'll be 48 in a couple of months, and well, if he doesn't work for a while, it won't help him when he tries to get a job later on. If he does the NEIS program but isn't 100% invested in getting a business up and running, then he'll end up spending a year basically passing time (which I don't think he is particularly opposed to), and end up with this big hole in his resume.

If he DOES want to get a business going, he just has to reconcile himself with the truth that it will be lots of hard work, with probably little or not return in the short term.

He keeps going on about his obligations, to me and the boys, and whether starting a new business is compatible with meeting those obligations. As I see it, I will support him completely if he really wants to give the business a go, but I will not be the reason he doesn't try to fulfill his dreams, and I won't let the children be that reason either.

So, basically, either he admits he isn't motivated enough in and of himself, or he gets on with trying to get the business up and running. We can't be his reason for opting out. Anyway, he is thinking of seeking out a life coach, but I think he is hoping the life coach will tell him what to do, whereas my understanding is that they help you apply strategies for working out, for yourself, what you want to do, and how to make it happen...

Ok, enough about Dave...

What else? Oh, I did a bad thing and weighed myself today - simply because I was at the shopping centre and I don't know when I'll get back there this week. Anyway, weighed 98.4kg, so down another 600gr since last Thursday. I can't believe how easy this has been so far! I really show incorporate some sort of exercise, but I don't want to do too much at once and then quit because it's all too much, LOL...

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Playing around...


Well, I've spent most of today playing around with photoshop, trying to put wings on my kids!



It's just a beginning, but it's been fun - well, sort of fun. I really shouldn't try to concentrate on this stuff while the kids are awake, way too many distractions, but then again, lately there hasn't been a time between 5.30am and 1.30am when one or another of them isn't awake!

We don't usually have this problem, but Buddha has been teething and well, while he isn't too cranky with it, it does seem to prevent him from sleeping deeply, and consequently he is waking often, and this past week he has woken around 10pm-ish and just stayed awake for a couple of hours.

Needless to say, Dave and I are pretty wrecked. I keep thinking I should hop into bed before 10pm and then I'll be in bed when Bryn wake and can feed him back off to sleep before he manages to rouse himself enough to stay awake, but then 10pm comes around each night, and I'm just dying for some me time, LOL Anyway, it's not every night, but it has been about 3 times this week.






Still and all, I'm feeling such a strong need to create atm, I've been knitting away like crazy and have over 20 hats so far... The idea is, of course, that I'm going to take these hats to the markets and sell them with Jayne and her slings, but I'm a little nervous about the whole idea that someone is going to pay money for something I've handmade. I can see imperfections in every hat I've knitted so far, but others I've talked to think I'm being a bit too much of a perfectionist and at some point I have to let go...

Playing around with photoshop, and doing this blog are both creative outlets where I'm really only pleasing myself (and if you like what you see then all the better :))...

What I really should put more effort into is my photography and writing. I wrote three articles last year, but so far only one has been published (one may be publish in the next couple of months, and the third was completely unsolicited and is probably already in some editors bin!)...

I was thinking of doing another writing course, and perhaps preparing to do a Masters in Writing - though I can't for the life of me think of a thesis project of the top of my head at this point. I need to investigate that further. The Masters in Writing at Melbourne Uni looks interesting, and I already have my Masters in Education from there, so hmmm, I don't know, maybe that will help me be accepted into the degree???

As for the photography, having the digital camera these past two years has been great, but now I'm feeling the need for something I have more control over. The photos from the digital are often overexposed or underexposed because the flash is too strong, or there is not quite enough light to go without the flash, and a lot of the subjects I like to cover require a natural lighting effect, but come out underexposed on the digital camera - I could also really do with a tripod..

Can I manifest a camera? While I'm at it, I'd like to manifest a laptop computer for myself, so Dave can stop hovering over me while I "play"...



Did I mention that, for me, this is "The Year of Sif"? This is the year where I get my temple in order (that is the house of my soul/spirit)... Of course, like many thousands of others around this pretty little globe of ours, that does involve losing weight - hey, 100kg on a 5'4" frame isn't exactly healthy now...

However, that is not the be all and end all of this quest of mine. As I see it, from the beginning of the year I have 50 weeks until my 35th birthday (you're getting to know quite a lot about me in this post, aren't you;))... So, I'm breaking it down into weeks, and instead of following some prescribed diet (which I'm not going to stick to because I'll convince myself it's boring, even though eating Maccas five times a week isn't boring, hehehehe), I will add something new each week towards becoming more healthy, be it cutting out something crappy from my diet, or adding some exercise, or starting to do meditations. That way, I keep focusing on the positive stuff I am doing, rather than on everything I might be doing "wrong". Also, it takes the pressure off to be "perfect" from the get go...

So far this year I've:

  • Replaced night time chocolates, chips, lollies etc. with a bowl of Light'n'Tasty cereal and lite yogurt.
  • Started drinking Mineral water instead of other soft drinks (mainly Coke).
  • Started eating more vegetarian meals during the week to cut back on red meat (we now have about 50/50 vegetarian and meat meals.
  • Started eating lettuce and tomato in my lunchtime sandwiches, instead of just sliced meats.
  • Cut back from 2 sugars in my coffee to one.
  • Started consulting the cards and reflecting on the messages I've gotten.
  • Bought some Crystals for healing, grounding and attunement (Angelite, Tigeriron and Clear Quartz)

Last week I lost l.3kg, which I thought was a great effort, but more than that, I dropped below the 100kg mark, down to 99.1kg!!!

This is the year of manifestion and I believe I will achieve everything I think of :D!

Speaking of which, I should say, we're two weeks into the New Year already and I haven't had any cravings for any of the stuff I usually binge on without thought, so there you go, the Universe is working with me to achieve my goals!




Saturday, January 14, 2006

Buddha Boy



This is my beautiful baby boy, Bryn (which is sort for Brynjar (Icelandic, meaning breastplate))... Bryn is the youngest of my three boys. He will be 5 months old in just two days time, and I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. He has been a pure delight to have around. We generally call him Buddha, because he is so round and placid and calm. Not to say he doesn't know what he wants or how to communicate his needs to us, but he is just so easy going.


Our house is fairly chaotic, with two older boys running around most of the time. Both Dave and I tend to be fairly loud and expressive at home, which only ever adds to the noise and bussle around the place, and yet Bryn never seems phased by any of it!

When Dave and I had been together for a few weeks (this is going back ten years now), I had a couple of dreams about our children - the children Dave said he never was going to have :) - from then on I know we would have three children; with the first two being born two years apart and the third being born four years later. And so it came to pass, as they say. It took ten years and much convincing and conjoling on my part, but finally Dave relented and we had each boy in turn.

I had felt the "presence" of each of my children before I had them, and when Bryn was born, I felt no more "presences".

Then about two weeks ago, I started to feel that feeling again, and when I went to bed I "saw" two girls giggling around me (now, I must point out gender is not important here, because I saw two of my boys as girls before they arrived and obviously they turned out to be boys)... The two girls were girls as if they had a secret, or they had just surprised someone, or were being tricky.

I felt rather confused, because for ten years I'd believed I was meant to have three children with Dave, and now I had them and felt content, like a project had just finished... So, I consulted my Angel cards, asking for a clear answer to the question, "Are there any more babies in my future". I drew a single card for response, and the response was that a happy new addition would be joining our family. Now obviously Dave doesn't want any more children, nor do I have any desire to push him into having any more children, so I asked how Dave would deal with it all. The card I drew said to put yourself in the other person's shoes and show empathy. My understanding of that was if I didn't push him, he would decide he wanted more children on his own, for his own reasons.

So, going with the message I was given in the first week of this year, that this year is all about manifesting your thoughts and wishes, I have said, I want more children, but I will wait for Dave to come to me and suggest we have more children, and I believe he will come to this desire himself, in his own time, for his own reasons.

I was curious as to why I hadn't seen these two children ten years ago, and the answer came back that 5 children would have been too great a challenge for me to convince Dave of, and enough for him to outrightly say no to without experiencing having children at all.

Now, I also think I understand why the two girls are laughing, they've been waiting for their chance to be seen, knowing all along I didn't know they were there, big joke, ha ha!

There you go, I've said, and now you can all snigger into your keyboards...

All last year I felt I was coming to the end of an era. something new was around the corner and I was justing waiting... Waiting to hear what was next. Well, I drew a reading based on the question, "Where do I go from here?"... The answer I got was that I was waiting to be told what to do when the universe was asking, "What do you want to do?" But, you see, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do that would be as fulfilling, as motivating as what I had just done in the previous several years, namely having and raising children...

Friday, January 13, 2006

Where to begin?

I've been meaning to blog for the longest time, I used to keep a fairly consistent diary all through my late teens and twenties, but it went a bit slack after Erik's birth, and was all but forgotten after Luey's birth. Since having Bryn, I've realised I spend too much time at the computer to realistically keep up with a written journal, so online will have to do... Besides, friends have been showing me their e-scrapbooking efforts and I'm keen to give it a go as well...

I've titled my blog "At the bottom of the Garden" because I'm liable to come out with some rather strange musings on life, and spirituality and what not. Really, I'm not crazy, but I do firmly believe that everything is connected on a molecular level and everything we do affects the world around us...

If I seem a bit "out there", well at least you can feel more sane by comparison, right?

Teenagers and the failing parent...