Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Let's face it, love hurts...

I know the title sounds rather pessimistic, but bare with me...

By this I mean, loving someone means being vunerable and accepting that seperation or loss will lead to pain...

Why am I mulling over this? Well, we've had a couple of rough days, my boys and I. After yesterdays incident, which I had decided to forgive myself and move on about, today brought more challenges...

The boys were pretty full on from the get go this morning. At the moment they're right into superheros, Batman, Superman, The Flash and so on. Dave kind of enjoys this because at this age he collected all those comics. The down side of this is that the boys like to don their capes and race around the house, arms outstretched ahead of them.

So, they were sent outside to play. This means a lot of getting up and peeking out of windows to keep an eye on them. Then I get on the phone with a friend while feeding Bryn, and next thing I no there is silence outside...

You know, the sound of silence is not at all golden in this household, where the kids are concerned. So, I get up and look out the window and our front gate is open. So, I go and call out to the boys (bad move), so they come racing FROM ACROSS THE STREET! Erik is miles ahead of Luey, so they cross seperately, neither of them looking for traffic! My heart was in my mouth, but I had Bryn in my arms and couldn't race to stop them. They make it over the road without incident, but I'm FURIOUS!!! You might say, hey, but you should have been watching them, but seriously this happened in the span of a minute, they were out of the yard and over the road...

I get them inside, and get off the phone and ball the out... I try desperately to impress upon them the dangers of leaving the yard and crossing a road on their own without any supervision, and without me even knowing they're gone! I can see my word sink through their skulls but slide of their conscious like so much fried eggs on a teflon surface... It's just an exercise in futility.

I send them out again stressing they're not to leave the yard, EVEN if the boys next door ask them to (they idolise the boys next door, compared to those boys, Dave and I don't stand a chance)...

Ten minutes later they come in begging lunch. That's fine.

Then I tell them I need them to nap so I can get a break. I go to deal with Bryn who has been grizzly all morning. When I come back out into the dining room, they're gone. Left the house. I put Bryn in his rocker and go out side. They run around the perimeter of the house, I have no chance of catching them. I eventually get them to go inside, but then I hear Bryn screaming his head off - he doesn't want to be put down, he doesn't want to be alone.

Agan I lose it (that is all I seem to do atm)... I feel so powerless. I can't get them to listen or comprehend. They're going to get themselves hurt or worse. In a year's time Bryn will be a toddler and they'll leave the yard and he'll follow them and be off down the street...

I feel so frustrated!!!

It would be so much harder if I didn't give a damn, you know? If I could just say, "I don't care what happens to you, go play in the street for all I care"... If ANYONE else frustrated me this much, I would just leave them or kick them out of my life. There is no way to make them listen to me without hurting them, and because of this love I have for them hurting them in any way breaks my heart and makes me feel sick, but letting them do as they please also makes me sick, with worry...

That is why love hurts.

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