Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Two steps forward, one step back...

Today I thought I'd take the boys down the street. It's been so hot these past few days, we've been home all the time, and their cabin fever was right up there this morning. So, just after midday we trundled to the bus stop and went up to the shopping centre. I weighed myself and weighed in at 97.3kg (which is 1.1kg since last Monday)... The I took the boys to Red Rooster for a special treat lunch (with water instead of soft drink or juice, and goddamnit if they don't charge an extra $1.20 for the water instead of just substituting it for the other drink options, grrr)...

Then I checked out a couple of places and the last stop was to a stand, I know, in the centre that sells Crystals. I just wanted to see if they sold anything off interest, or just the usual stuff. Well, they definitely sold interesting stuff! Erik begged for a rock and thinking I would encourage him, I got him an Angelite he chose after much ponderance. Luey, of course had to have the same. The Angelite cost $8 a piece (was way cheaper online, btw!)... Anyway, then we went up to the buses and home.

The kids had been their usual restless selves while out, but I felt like I'd handled it really well. When we got home Erik asked to stay outside, but because we had some trouble with the neighbours son this morning, I said no. Erik didn't argue the point with me, to my relief.

So, in we go... Erik goes straight to his room, I got about setting Bryn up on the floor and Luey turns the telly on and is playing with a car he got at RR... I go into Erik's room to ask him something, but he is not there, I call out to him, and suddenly it occurs to me to check his window. Behind the net curtain, his window is wide open, and as I approach it, I see him duck around the corner of the house... I call out to him to come here, NOW! He does. I have him climb back through the window and inside, and I'm berating him for climbing out his window.

Then I ask for the stone back. At the same time, Luey does something he isn't supposed to and so I ask for his back, too... I'm feeling angry and hurt because I feel like I've done some special things with them today to make their day fun, and to get out of the house. Now it's like that take it all for granted and think it's just fine to go behind my back and steal things or sneak out of the house...

Luey tells me he doesn't have his stone anymore, he put it in the pram. I search the pram, and it's not there because I wasn't aware that he put it there and when I got on the bus home I folded the pram up and it must have fallen out. Suddenly this ball of rage, a feeling of being hurt and taken for granted and ignored and taken advantage of all bundled up just flies up out of me and I slap Luey... on the face... Then I suddenly feel sick and I burst into tears, and I want to vomit... I'm still feeling anger and hurt, but also sick at my own actions. I want to hug the boys and apologise, but I still feel so angry and hurt. Instead I go into the study and shut the door...

Erik comforts Luey.

Why can't I control my temper? Luey is four years old, he doesn't understand the value of money, and even if he did, he can't foresee the stone falling out of the pram if it is folded without me knowing it's in there. Why am I losing my temper with him. Why do I believe they owe me for being their mum? Why do I believe they are taking advantage of me?

Now, I just feel tired and drained.

I don't want me boys to fear me like I feared my mum for most of my life. Yet, I see that same fear in their faces at times. I try to control my temper and I fail so miserably...

3 comments:

loz said...

Huge HUGS Sif, it sounds like a rather draining day! I odn't know what to say but hope that you are able to forgive yourself long enough for your boys to forgive you:)

Heather said...

{{hugs}}

Leah said...

Ah Sif, I wanna give you a big big hug ... this is the crux of a lot of my difficulties too, the feeling that if I am "proactive" enough, she won't behave in ways that annoy me. It's a really hard one to let go of.

Teenagers and the failing parent...