Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I'm having some sort of crisis...

Ok, I realise my posts have been all over the place lately...

I feel like I'm having some sort of crisis of confidence or something. I'm seriously considering enrolling the kids in school. I've been playing this over and over in my mind the last few days. I LOVE the whole concept of homeschooling. I believe it can work! I believe the whole school system is completely useless, in fact, and in many, many cases dangerous and detrimental to children - but especially children with parents who aren't aware of the dangers of schools, lol... I really want the freedom homeschooling and particularly unschooling would afford my boys... I see them thriving on that freedom...

All that said, I;m feeling very useless at this time, as a parent, rather than as a homeschooler. I feel this way often, but just recently I've been aware of this situation stretching out ahead of me for years to come... Can I really do this in the long term? I mean, yesterday, and so far today, I've kept the front and back doors locked because they just take off, and they prefer to play on the footpath outside our house, in their underwear, and well, I'm afraid that DOCS will come around at some point because the people working at the school across the road will report us for neglecting our kids...

I know they're just 4 and 6, but I expect some sort of co-operation from them, and I'm just not getting it... Is is going to be like this for the next 12 to 14 years??? Or longer even, with Bryn... My logical brain says it's not...

Also, Dave will be home a lot more in the next three weeks, which should make things easier, but maybe it will actually make things harder because when he is home, there does seem to be a lot more arguing and carry on in this house. I'm sort of dreading that, to be honest...

This is all rhetorical btw. I'm not looking for anyone to hand me an answer, I'm just bouncing thoughts around. It helps to type this stuff up. Knowing me, as I do, I won't send them to school, I'll feel better in a couple of days and then it will all be forgotten...

I don't know. Mostly, this is just parenting stuff that I want to run away from. I want to hand my kids over to some one else, to get them "fixed", so they listen and do whatever it is I require of them... Schools don't fix kids though, and I think that is the biggest misconception about childhood development in our society, and it put undue pressure on teachers and principals and schools - all these parents who, for some reason, believe school will finish the parenting job they started... But it is tempting to fall into that mindset. To let yourself hope that by sending your kids to school, they'll learn to listen, they'll learn self-discipline... Or maybe just that if they don't, someone else will have the job of "dealing" with them for several hours a day...

I'm feeling very "not together", LOL, and in my divided state, one part of me is screaming, "For crying out loud, woman, pull yourself together, get organised, get on with it, stop wishing and whinging. You can change this, but sitting here moaning won't make it happen!", this other part of me is crying, "Just leave me alone, it's all too hard, I need a break, I need some serious ME time, like a week away at a retreat - just me and mini-me (Bryn)" - then again, I'm afraid I might not want to come back, LOL...

My house is in chaos atm, too, and that always causes me to feel overwhelmed and unable to cope...

Ok, if you've read this far, you're probably thinking I've become some sort of raving lunatic! So true, so true... Something is definitely up! Quite possibly it is all the uncertainty of what the future holds. I've come to realise in recent times that I really am a control freak, I like to know I'm steering my own boat, and well, homeschooling among other things, does require a lot of "surrendering"... Maybe that's my current lesson... Just surrender it all up, and let the winds blow me to where I need to be...

1 comment:

katef said...

Hello from a fellow control freak :) Even though I learnt the hard way that I can't plan my children (I tried very hard to plan the way my first single child would enter the world... ha ha ha!) I still haven't learnt my lesson!

But perhaps you are just having a bad day, or may be week? And you are right, you'll grit your teeth and get through the tough stuff and things will get better. But I also don't think we are meant to parent or educate our children in isloation - so maybe you are just craving some input and understanding from someone else???

Have no idea really, but I do admire you taking on the tough tuff that a lot of people just tend to ignore! *hugs*

Teenagers and the failing parent...