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Blogs in my head...

Anyone else write blogs in their head, throughout their day?

I've written about 5 in the past couple of days, but then I don't find the time to actually put them up, so here is a kind of synopses of each of them...

Strong Opinions...
Someone commented to me yesterday that I have strong opinions. The way it was said was sort of part, "Yeah, that's what I thought about you, and I'm right" and part, "Strong opinions are synonomous with ignorance"... I just smiled and said that, yes, I do have strong opinions, in a "yep, that's me, great aren't I" kind of way... I couldn't help but ask myself if maybe having strong opinions WAS a bad trait?

Having reflected on this for a day, I can say that I don't think having strong opinions is a bad thing at all. My opinions are most often based on a lot of information gathering and reflection. I don't tend to just take on other people's opinions as my own, and I do acknowledge that other people have differing opinions based on their own experiences and view of the world, and if someone is able to give me a good argument for their differing opinion, and I can see the logic in what they are saying, I'm able to adjust my opinion to acknowledge the differing perspective and understanding on an issue.

I think having strong opinions is a good thing, it means I feel passionate about some issues, instead of just going with the flow. Passionate people make changes in this world, and often that is a good thing too (sometimes it isn't, of course, especially when their opinions differ to mine, LOL)...

Dave's Anger...

Dave is soooo angry. He thinks it's Aries anger, but it isn't because Aries anger isn't self-distructive, it is justice driven. He believes his anger is justice driven, but it is a) often on behalf of people who aren't angry themselves (i.e. he is looking for reasons to be angry) and b) it is often way out of proportion to the situation he is angry about.

His anger is consuming him a lot of the time, and if affecting our household. Being empathic, I tend to pick up on his anger and channel it, and it's taken me a long time to realise this isn't my own anger I'm feeling and that I can shut it down most of the time...

His anger seems to be cumulative, and I believe it started in his childhood, in his powerless relationship with his mum (who has all her own repressed anger, from her own powerless childhood)... Dave seems to exhibit the need to be "justifiably angry", that is, he will let things slide and let things slide until enough things have happened that he feels justified in exploding, except that he tends to explode over little things and so then his anger doesn't make sense to those receiving it, and it adversely affects his relationship with those people... It's affecting his relationship with the boys, and me, that's for sure... He seriously needs counselling.

Sad Songs...
I was on the bus the other day, and a Richard Marx song came on from about 10 years ago. It reminded me of a relationship I was in then (it was kind of our song, well *my* song for our relationship anyway)... I was sitting there reminiscing, and listening to the words of the song, and I suddenly realised I wasn't THAT person anymore, and the words of that song were soooo sad, and really reflected my state of mind back then, and my complete lack of self-esteem. Then I realised that relationship was never about "us" is was really all about "me" and me needing to figure myself out. I found myself feeling kind of sorry for the guy. Sure, he had his own issues, and wasn't really able to communicate them to me properly, but truth be told, I wouldn't have been receptive anyway because I was walking in a deep fog of ME at the time, and how I felt and what was happening to ME...

The me that I am now would probably still like this guy (he really was a nice person, funny, interesting), but I just wouldn't want a relationship with him anymore because I don't think I was ever interested in HIM, I was just fulfilling a need in ME... It's funny how you see things differently many years down the track, and how much one person can change... I'll have to blog about that one day...

My Nanna...
I was talking to my cousin on msn last night and she suddenly told me my Nanna is in hospital. I say suddenly because in all our conversations my Nanna hasn't been mentioned. She hasn't been mention because I haven't talked to her in ten years, since she called me a whore for planning to move in with Dave but not marry him.

I used to be my Nanna's favourite grandchild (ok, I was her first, so that was easy)... We used to get along quite well. In many ways we're very similar, in some ways we're completely different.

Anyway, so she had open heart surgery last week, and got home a couple of days ago, but then went back into hospital after "minor heart failure". Things don't look good. Anyway, I asked if i should send a card or something. I don't want to send a card if it'll just upset her (she's the kind of person who would be likely to think I'm just trying to get back into her will at the last minute, ys)...

So, I talked to Dad last night. He had been told about her operation a couple of weeks ago, but had heard anything more since (he's not an easy person to get a hold of mind you, he lives way out in the country on a farm that only has generator electricity, and he's just as likely not to answer his phone, because he values his solitude)... He didn't know she'd gotten worse, and he kind of infered he didn't really care either. I asked him if he'd go to the funeral (if there was one) and he said no - obviously, there are some burnt bridges there. He did understand though why I wanted to send a card letting Nanna know I was thinking of her and sending her my best wishes - she is family, as he said.

I feel weird about this. I don't want her to die thinking I hate her, I don't hate her, I just can't have her venom in my life. I certainly don't want to be in her will. I'm sort of sad about the lost relationship with had, but at the same time, I feel very distant from her now, not at all like the grandmother/granddaughter relationship we used to have. I feel like I really don't know her, and that maybe I'd be imposing myself by making contact at this late stage. Then again, I feel that not making contact, now that I know she's unwell just isn't right... Complicated...

Comments

katef said…
oh wow that is like the most hugest blog post ever!!!! I want to say so much stuff in reply but don't know where to start so will just say yes I blog in my head too but usually never remember it when the time comes to actually type!
HipbubbyMama said…
Yep I blog in my head too :) And nope strong opinions arent a bad thing, unless they come from a red-necked moron like Pauline Hanson or George Dubya Bush-pig :D
Rae said…
Wow Sif, what a great entry. I have so much to say on it I'm gonna do a blog in reply to your blog!

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