Sunday, May 28, 2006

Woeful Me

I'm going to start this on a cheery note because basically this blog is just going to be a whinge about my pathetic human state...

But anyhoo, look at this gorgeous cover!!! I got it a month ago and have been waiting to lanolise it, but I just COULDN'T wait another day!!! Soooo cute! A bug for my little bug! And even without being lanolised, it worked a treat, he even had a sleep in it, and was nice and dry for hours! Now, I'm giving it a good airing so it doesn't get a case of the stinkies...

Ok, so now, onto my whinge!

For some inexplicable reason (that is, I'm not self-aware enough to know why), I have this deep set need to be INCLUDED... Actually, it's more that I don't want to be EXCLUDED... Even in stuff I might otherwise not really be bothered with, if I sense that I'm not being invited along or not being acknowledged as a participant, I feel this overwhelming urge to participate, though I don't have the time or energy, or even much to contribute. And worse still (because I hate this in other people) I CRAVE acknowledgement for my participation!

Often I participate and don't think I want or need acknowledgement, until it isn't forthcoming. When it is forthcoming, I feel embarrassed that people notice, and I just want to shrink back into the wall, but if everyone around me is acknowledged and NOT ME, I feel like the invisible woman...

Case in point. Mum and Lester arrived last night. Late. Today, they are meeting up with mum's old college mate, Bjorn-Tore who has flown in from Oslo to join a crew sailing around the Pacific (he's an engineer), and so mum has driven over especially to meet him because she hasn't seen him in nearly 16 years.

Now, I know him, we all used to live on campus at Mum's college for two years, but I haven't seen him in nearly 18 years, and I really wasn't their peer (though he is only 7 years older than me and 14 years younger than Mum)... I'd love to meet him, too, and thought that was the plan. It still is the plan, but Mum is very sketchy on the details, and that has me on edge. I'm worried about being excluded from this meeting.

What would I have to contribute to this meeting, well nothing, really! I just want to say "Hi" and take some photos, and show off Dave and the boys, so he can go back to Norway and tell people he met us and we're doing brilliantly, and (as it is with the Salvos up there), it can spread like wildfire just how great we're doing - and all my old friends, who I have had NO contact with in over a decade can hear that I'm married and have three kids and am generally very successful in life...

Pathetic, isn't it?

And this is only one of three incidences this weekend that have had me in a tizz about my involvement status (won't go into the other two in case I embarrass myself totally)...

So, yeah, what's with that?

I'm not really a JOINER, per se, but I'm phobic about being excluded or overlooked...

2 comments:

Nic and Beren said...

Oh I just love the nappy. I almost bought that one actually. I know what you mean to a certain extent, Im happy to be the quiet outsider but get the shits if im excluded from something.

Anonymous said...

I really relate to what you are saying about news of your fabulous life spreading back to your famiy. I am like this with people I went to school with.

Teenagers and the failing parent...