Monday, July 31, 2006

Ooh, I did it!

I finally managed to download a scrap kit, and use it!!! Much thanks go to Jayne for her info. on downloading and unzipping, and to Kate, for helping me figure out why my options seemed so limited (I was in imageready, not photoshop, duh!)...

Here's what I did this afternoon instead of the dishes...



Photo by me, papers and elements from the Brand New Day Multi Kit at pickleberrypop

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Kicking more goals today...

Well, we all seemed to sleep a bit more deeply last night, and got up a bit fresher this morning, with not one feeling feverish for the first time in over a week (phew!)...

Being that today was the first day Dave was home in the past few days, and with the sun shining we decided to risk it and go out. We were headed to "The Good Guys" via the shopping centre. We decided to bus it, and despite the chilly wind, it felt so goooooood to be out in the fresh air, I felt my mood lift just for having fresh air in my lungs and a destination!

We got to the shopping centre and I took the opportunity to weigh myself as I felt I'd probably lost a little bit of weight thanks to have half-deadened tastebuds from the flu. To my absolute GLEE I weighed in at 79.8kg!!! Yay!, I've broken the 80kg mark!!! (no need for anyone to comment on this, btw, I realise I go on about this a bit, LOL, but to me it's like reaching sobriety milestones, or like climbing Mt Everest, I'm just sooooo happy to be finally doing this I want to shout from the roof tops)

I'm a bit confused though, because back when I was 23 I half starved myself and spent every day at the gym, or so it seemed, got down to 69kg, and was about a size 14, now I'm into size 14, and even have a size 12 top, but I'm 10 kg heavier??? Maybe my scales were wrong back then and I was heavier than I am now? Or maybe dress sizes have become more generous in the past 12 years? Hmmm, don't know.

Anyway, on that high, we had lunch - unfortunately my favourite chinese place wasn't open, and the only one that was didn't have honey chicken - which I love to treat myself with each week, so I ended up just have turkey and cranberry on dark rye, which was nice, but not honey chicken, LOL...

So, then we headed off to "The Good Gys". Got there, they had about 6 dryers on the floor, 3 of which fit within our price range, we ended up going for the most expensive of these and got a $30 discount for cash (to my way of thinking that's really NOT that great an incentive for paying cash, it only covers the delivery fee, basically).

So, a brand spanking new 4kg dryer will be arriving here tomorrow - Thanks Dave!!! - my excitng goal for this week will be to catch up with our washing!!! Wish me luck! Hey, no more nappies hanging on the airer in the loungeroom for days on end, yippeee! Oh, LOL, the best things about the new dryer are a) it's a Simpson, just like our washer which has lasted and lasted, and b) it is a really simple turn dial, no fancy smancy electronics that can stuff up and cost a bundle to fix!

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The pestulence continues...

This morning Erik and Bryn both woke up with the same flu the rest of us having been experiencing for the past week. Erik's symptoms are hot flushes and a snotty nose (he's currently asleep on the couch next to me). Bryn, on the other hand, has had a fever, and projectile vomiting... As you can see, Bryn has also spent much of the morning dozing in and out... Right now, he is playing on the floor and seems quite chipper. He's been cycling between seeming quite sick and seeming ok like this all morning...

He's been having lots of booby, which is good, despite my almost phobic fear of vomit, LOL! I've never had a towel too far away from me this morning, just in case, but he seems ok atm. At least he is still able to smile - it always amazes me that my kids can smile even when they're obviously sick, they have such upbeat personalities!!!

All the same, there is only so much a sick baby will put up with having his photo taken! He looks so much like my dad in this photo!!!

One good thing about all this... I've FINALLY convinced Dave to get a mobile phone for himself! He had to go to the convention this morning, but right on cue, just as Dave was about to step out, Bryn vomited everywhere, and Dave being the nursemaid he is was horribly torn because he HAD to go, but he didn't want to leave me (who is still sick myself) with three sick kids, especially because this is Bryn's first big illness... The battery on my mobile was dead, so he couldn't take that, and there's no other way for me to contact him... So, FINALLY he can see why he needs his own mobile, because had he left even a couple of minutes earlier he wouldn't even have known Bryn was that sick, and there would have been no way for me to let him know...

Friday, July 28, 2006

Something to smile about...

After my self-pitious post this morning, I feel the need to refocus on the things that make me feels wonderful... Like little Mister Buggy-boo here! This is a pic taken about two minutes ago of him cruising around the furniture! He is so intent on walking now! His absolute favourite thing to do atm is walk holding someone's hand - just one hand, so he can walk "forward" next to them! He's pretty unsteady still, but resists people trying to grab his other hand and "leading" him...

Oddly enough, he STILL won't sit himself down from standing, he'll stand and stand, and then start whinging for someone to help him sit. As soon as you have your hand on his arm, he'll bend his knees and drop, so he knows what to do, but he doesn't want to do it by himself, I suppose, because he doesn't want to risk over balancing and smacking the back of his head on the floor.

He has accidently plopped on his bum a few times now, without falling over, but he cries when that happens, out of shock I think, and we all clap and cheer and try to jolly him, but he doesn't like the sudden drop.

It's so cute to see him cruising though!

Ugh!

Not feeling well today...

Bloody hell, why oh why do I have to feel sick this week? This is the busiest week Dave has had in a while!!! He worked yesterday, is working today, has a table at a convention tomorrow, luckily nothing on Sunday, but then an H&R Block meeting on Monday morning and a MIFF session in the afternoon, working on Tuesday... So, basically the only day he'll be able to help me with the kids is Sunday, and we haven't done any shopping in over a week, so guess what we're doing on Sunday?! And he offered to stay home again today, but I really couldn't let him because it's still only his first week on this job.

He won't offer to stay home tomorrow because this convention only comes around once in a blue moon, and he and his mate have been planning to attend for something like three months. Honestly, I wouldn't offer to stay home either, if it was me, then again I also wouldn't expect him to stay home with three kids.

In fact, when he had this same flu last week, he didn't have to care for three kids, or breastfeed through the night at all (funny that!). On the up side, I'll milk this for weeks to come, LOLOLOL!

The worst thing is not being able to go out. I just feel too sick to take the boys out (and besides, Luey isn't well either)... So, by Sunday, they'll have been stuck in the house for three days straight - yep, tomorrow is going to be sheer hell!

Another thing that is getting to me is the fact that I decided about two and a half months ago that I was definitely getting a dryer. Within 24 hours I had an offer of a free dryer! Wow, talk about manifesting. Only thing was I had to get it from the other side of town. Luckily the woman who had it could get her mum to transport it to this side of town. Unfortunately, then it got stuck in transit there, I should have organised to pick it up straight away, but I didn't want to have to ask someone to pick it up for me, and I thought it would be delivered at some point. Two months later it became clear it would be easier all round if I could organise to pick it up. Fair enough. So I did. Unfortunately, when I got it home the thermastat had crapped itself - it was a very old dryer so that could have happened on either of the transports, or during the two months it sat outside, who knows. So, now I just want to go buy a new dryer because this winter has been a hassle with getting clothes dry. I don't mind doing that, I was grateful for the offer of a free dryer and for the previous owner organising her mum to help get it close to my place for eventual pick. What is getting to me is now that I've found I really do need to go buy a new one, it's on a week when we're all sick and Dave has started a new job, so of course, it'll be put off a big longer (unless I can convince Dave to go with me on Sunday, but then that's my only day off for full time daycare duty of three kids, argh!)... LOL, so we'll be getting a dryer for this winter in August... The ultimate irony, of course, is that today is a beautiful sunny day in Melbourne, I could very possibly get things dry on the line today... But I feel too crap...

Thursday, July 27, 2006

What a sorry lot...

We're not well today...

I have a headcold and aches, Luey woke during the night with a fever and aching legs that Dave had to rub for him to feel better, though Bryn seems fine atm, he was definitely restless last night with what I assumed at the time was fluid running down the back of his nose and throat - his nose isn't running today though, so maybe I was wrong... Dave has been unwell all week but is getting better now and Erik seems ok...

Dave wanted to take today of work (he's the nursemaid in this house and quite frankly he is better at it than I am, especially when I'm also not feeling 100%), but today is only his second day at the new job, so I told him he had to go to work and I'd muddle through...

I'll get the boys to take a nap, and get Bryn down at the same time hopefully...

I had all these plans of cleaning up the house today (I want to get it back to its pre-Dave-not-working state, I'm sure he thinks he doesn't really contribute to the mess around here, but seriously, it's like having 4 little boys in the house, not three. Yeah, he does the dishes and the occassional load of washing, and I really appreciate that because I LOATHE dishes really, but he is hopeless at putting stuff away when he's used it and he has this compulsive need to STACK stuff in piles around the house...)... I started on putting the washing away, but seriously I just don't know how much I'll get done today - maybe once the boys are asleep?

*Update 11.50am

Bliss! All three boys are asleep! Erik isn't sick so he'll probably only sleep an hour. Bryn had a restless night, so he might sleep two hours. Luey will easily sleep three, maybe even four...

Poor little Luey, he's not well. He was due for a top up of Neurofen at about 10.30am and I plum forgot, by about 11am he was getting stroppy and easily upset, and Erik wasn't helping matters by surrepticiously teasing him, grrrr... Luey didn't eat his lunch, so I baggied it for him, in hopes he'll eat it later - he doesn't eat much as it is, so when he's sick his appetite just disappears altogether, but we'll see this afternoon, he has to be REALLY sick to turn down yogurt.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

My little buddly-woo...




Isn't he a doll??? This is what I get to look at all day, while I'm feeding him. I wish I could freese time, sometimes...

I've been shopping for him, he's going to be one cool little dude this summer!

I've had to do most of my shopping online though, because I just can't find stuff in the shops that I like for him. Today a package arrived with two pair of Baby Paws in it that I ordered last week some time. By ordering them directly off the site, I got to choose the style and the colour. So I chose a pair of Jade green Wrap-Ovas (sic), and blue sandals. They're sooooo soft and gorgeous, and now that he is cruising the furniture (how did that happen so suddenly???!), he is so much safer wearing these because he really doesn't slip.

I've NEVER seen any store stocking these shoes in these colours, so I'm wondering if the manufacturers were there last week going, FINALLY! Someone ordered jade green suede (and we thought that would never be sold!

I'm really relishing Bryn! I find myself wishing I could just freeze time.

I've been trying to remember if I "got into" the other two boys in this way. I have vague memories of being this emotionally involved with Erik. With Luey though I think I was sooo depressed for the first year of his life. I remember how beautiful I thought Luey was, and as a toddler he was soooo cute - Dave and I used to go on and on about it (he still is cute, says the funniest things0...


I really would love another baby, but then again when I think forward in time to when the boys are older, I can really see us as we are now, just the five of us, and it will be great, but still I can't quite let go of the hope that Dave will wake up one day and feel the deep need for "just one more" (Hey, I just heard the faint flapping of pigs wing!)... Hahahaha!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

More navelgazing...

To all you readers who so faithfully post comments, thank you for all your support and advice, it all gets read and appreciated, even if I don't answer!!!

Sorry for another self-indulgent post (hey, where else can you be self-indulgent if not on your own blog)...

How womens bodies betray us...

Having experienced my second period since Bryn's birth (and can I just say I LOVE my mooncup!!!), I've experienced some new and showing things in my own body. I know menstruation is a priveledge it is the sign we are (mostly) fertile, and it's the reason we can conceive those precious babies we adore, but I've never really been comfortable in the prociess myself. I got my first period when I was 13, I was lucky, my mum got her first at 9 or 10 I believe. For me menstruating was quick painful, but for her it was excruiating, I believe she had undiagnosed, oh shit, can't remember the name now, but the symptoms are excessive, prolonged bleeding and pain - she bled three weeks out of four and was bed-ridden for at least 9 days in even month... Mum ended up with a hysterectomy at 36.

In comparison, I've been very lucky. As I said, I had a lot of pain, but nothing like that, until I had Erik, then between Erik and Luey I had virtually painfree, extremely regular periods, which returned again when Luey was 19 months. Now though, and I know this isn't necessarily how it will continue, I've had two periods two months apart, and while I've felt the heaviness I felt before, this time I REALLY noticed bloating. I've never noticed it before, but it was really obvious this time. I think posibly because I'm not as overweight as I have been before (though I didn't notice it in May, and I've only lost a couple of kilos since then...

Also, the mood swings, I had noticed these were getting worse before conceiving Bryn, but MY GODS, this time around I went from perfectly fine to massively depressed and irretable overnight. I've NEVER lost my temper with my babies, but I yelled at Bryn. And as an example, last night was about the same as the other night when I lost my cool with him, and it didn't occur to me to yell at him, I didn't even feel inclined...

So, I'll be taking EPO and Magnesium, I'll be making sure to avoid caffeine and alcohol the week before I'd expect to be due next time (I think those drinks at Jayne's birthday two days earlier didn't help)...

Astrological navelgazing...

Got one of my books from Amazon this week, called Spiritual Astrology, it goes through the planets in the signs in the houses (so you find out, for example, which sign Mercury was under in which house at the time of your birth and those combinations will give you an idea of what life lesson you will be dealing with in that area of your life...

So, for example, for me, my Sun was in Saggitarius, in my first house (which is why I was born a Saggitarian), and so I tend to believe about myself (Sun, in the first house), that I am intellectually superior to other people (Sags tend to think that of themselves), and because I believe that I also tend to want others to see that about me (that's what the first house is about, what you want others to believe about you)... LOL - think of all the Sags you know (and one or two of you are Sags, LOL)... Now you don't have to be ego-manical about it, and some Sags aren't, some have learned the lessen of taking ideas from others, and being open to other p.o.vs - and you, or the other Sags you know, may be of that variety, but if you're not, you'll recognise yourself as persisting till other agree with you (because, afterall, all you're trying to do is teach them all your knowledge, they can't help it if they can't see the trees for the forrest)...

I have been reading lots about myself, other planets under other signs in other houses, and in lots of places I can see I'm well into learning the lessons this life has set out for me (btw, the accuracy of these finding have been phenomonal, so if it seems like I'm swallowing this hook, line and sinker, I'm not, it's just that I am seeing myself in everything I read about my chart)... In this area though, I felt the heat rising in my face... As many of you have witnessed on various boards that I've been a member of, I'm like a dog with a bone on issues where I have an (edumacated) opinion that others don't see the genius in. I always try to be polite about it, but I have such a big ego issue with people not seeing "The World According to Sif"...

Now, this doesn't mean I'm wrong (hehehehe), just that I can stand to take in what others are saying a bit more, and at least reflect on it, and listen more, and maybe I'll find genius in opposing opinions to my own. I mean, just because I'm intelligent and reflective, doesn't mean that others aren't, and just because they opinion is very different to my own, doesn't mean it's wrong. Yes, I have a long way to go in this area of my self-development, but at least it's good to have some idea of where I'm headed!

Enough navelgazing...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

N ow I have no idea (TMI warning!)

WTF???

Ok, maybe i wasn't Oing on Monday afterall? Unless my body is seriously screwed... My nipples stopped being sore yesterday, but I've had persistent niggly abdominal aching, just niggly, not painful... Pair that with a SUDDEN and steep declining mood swing since Monday, and the slightest tinge of pinkish mucus just before, and now I have NO idea what my body is doing... Could this be some sort of non-period period? Hell, if I didn't KNOW I hadn't had sex this last weekend, I might be thinking I was implanting right now... Of course, without sex, that just isn't possible. So, what is this, an infections? No funny smells, or pain when urinating...

Big Change

Dave has a new job. A guy he used to work with at the Union had an opening coming up and offered Dave a job co-ordinating advertisements for University diaries - so, a lot like the job he used to do, only now he'll be co-ordinating ads for a number of diaries, instead of just putting together one diary, for one University. It's part time work, the only kind Dave would do now anyway. About 15-20 hours a week, depending on the season (we moving into the busy season now, so it'll be more like 20 hours a week, but by next January things might slow a bit)... I'm hoping though, as this is a private business and therefore always trying to grow, it won't just blow out, because my concern is that Dave will be asked to do a few extra hours here and there and before we know it, he'll be working 3-4 days a week, something that wouldn't suit this household at all!

I should be really happy that Dave has this job, tht he didn't have to go out and bust his balls competing with younger guys (he's 47) for work, and that he's working for someone he knows and likes, but instead I'm worried about how I'll cope at home with the boys when he's at work. I'm worried that now he won't ever have time to get his liscence, and that he won't do his writing (something I believe he really needs to be doing)... I'm worried that J will have the same expectations of Dave that he would have of himself, and well he has let go of two long term relationships in the past five years to make this business work, so he has a lot invested in it, and maybe he will expect Dave to work overtime etc.

The money is good, he's earning more than he was before because he'll be getting about the same for less hours. Money isn't everything though.

I need to find some peace, and believe everything will be ok, and we'll be provided for in the sense of having the emotional support we need to cope with this new arrangement. I have to believe Dave won't be stressed and tired all the time, like when he worked for the University and that I'll be able to cope with the boys on my own, and be the kind of parent they need.

I think mostly, I'm mourning the end of this time when we've just been able to hang out as a family, and I've had a lot more social freedom to go places without the bigger boys, to sleep in a bit on the days after a bad night with Bryn. The hope that Dave would get a liscence in short order, and that he would set up his small publishing or get into painting the way he always said he wanted to. I liked our somewhat bohemian life, I don't want to let go of that, maybe I don't have to, it just feels that way right now...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Sleep deprived and feeling yuck!

I yelled at Bryn at 6am this morning :(.

I've been suffering with sleep deprivation thanks to a combination of insomnia and a baby who only sleeps deeply in the first part of the night.

He goes to sleep around 7ish at night, at that point he's pretty shagged and there is no keeping him awake. He then usually sleeps for a couple of hours, wakes, feeds, goes back to sleep for another couple of hours, wakes, feeds, goes back to sleep for another couple of hours.

On evenings he's restless, he might wake every 40 minutes, but usually goes back to sleep either at the boob, or on Dave's shoulder. After about 1am, he becomes much more restless, wants to feed a lot more, I think he just gets to the end of his required quota of deep sleep is all...

The thing is, I can't seem to get to sleep before 2am myself. So, often he'll wake around 1am for a feed, but not want to be put back down, so eventually I'll take him to bed at 2am, but he'll feed for the next hour or so. Then I usually try to sit up and rock him back to sleep, hopefully deep enough that can lay him on the bed and turn over myself. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.

Last night, he woke around midnight, have slept extra deeply between 7 and midnight (only woke once), then he simply wouldn't go back to sleep. We were up until 3am before he dropped off. Went to bed, took me another 1/2 hour to go to sleep, then he woke at 5am, and started feeding, but wouldn't sleep without the nipple in his mouth (my nipples are really sore atm thanks to Oing)... I sat up trying to rock him at 6am, I could hear the boys out in the loungeroom, they were already up by 5.30am but now they were starting to chatter out there, and I was getting irretable.

I was startting that vicious thinking cycle of, "Luey did this exact same thing for 6 months before I nightweaned him, but he started at 18 months, not 10 months. I don't want to be nightweaning Bryn before at least two years - don't want to at all. With Luey I left it so long I believe it contributed to my seizures. I don't want to have any more seizures and end up back on meds. Why is Bryn doing this? Why won't he just go to sleep? Just GO TO SLEEP!" I was getting really tense and I could hear the boys making more noise. If I got up and told them to be quiet Bryn would be disturned, if I called out them to be quiet, he'd be disturbed. Why couldn't Dave hear them? If they kept making more noise, they'd disturb Bryn. I just wanted to put Bryn down and go to sleep.

Bryn started wriggling in my arms and whinging.

Argh! I put him down and yell at him, JUST GO TO SLEEP!!! He started crying. Of course he started crying, I'd cry too if I was half asleep and someone yelled at me in the dark! How stupid and mean was that???

I jumped out of bed and stormed into the loungeroom and yelled at the boys to go back to bed, it was 7am - not too early for them to be up...

I stormed into the study, and yelled at Dave to get up and deal with the kids before I put one of them through a wall!!! Dave jumped out of his skin because he was in a DEEP sleep!

I ranted and rave in the loungeroom for 20 minutes with Dave consoling Bryn on the couch and the boys in their room. Then I stormed back to the bedroom, cried and fell asleep.

Dave let me sleep until 11am. I didn't sleep deeply. I was aware that he looked in on me at some point. I felt dizzy as I lay there feeling like a crappy person. I've felt crappy all day, but not just because I lost it with everyone, not because they were being unreasonable but because I was tired. I just felt really depressed, haven't felt this way in months, quite literally!

Dave got a possible job offer today, we'll know tomorrow. He might be starting work next week. Am I going to be able to cope? Have I been deluding myself for the past four months because he's been here to pick up the slack?

I'm pissed off too, because he has gotten his sleep apnoea sorted, which is partly why he slept through me losing it this morning, and why he didn't hear Bryn crying, and why he is sleeping in the study in the first place. Also, he hasn't done anything to get his liscence, oh, sorry, I forgot, he got the booklet to start reading for his Ls, that's it, he hasn't actually read the book yet...

One good thing, today is nearly over...

Monday, July 17, 2006

O day!

Coz, I know you guys really want to know this...

Yes, I realised at lunch time that I've been ovulating today - first time since April, second time since conceiving Bryn. Unlike in April, this time I have no doubt. I was telling Amanda on Saturday night that I'd woken up that day with sore nipples, and thought Bryn grazed me, but there was no sign of it, so thought maybe it might be thrush???

Anyway, so then today I woke up feeling a bit achey and didn't think much of it, sometimes around midday this little voice in my head finally made itself heard in my conscious mind. Yes, I'm so definately ovulating...

This is so weird for me, I've never had this on again, off again thing before. Never had such STRONG symptoms before. Anyway, had to just write this...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Incredibly sad news...

I just got some incredibly sad news about a mum I've known on and off for the past three years. She is a lovely woman who I first got to know through our MAAP Richmond playgroup, later a bit more through a spin-off walking group (which only lasts a few sessions), and finally we renewed our acquaintence last year through homeschooling group, when she and her dh decided to homeschool their daughter in lieu of not being able to afford the school their heart desired.

Anyway, this mum was due to have her second child this winter, in the past couple of week, and her son was born on the 10th of July, but unfortunately, there were complications (I'm not sure if the complications were with the baby or the birth), and little Sam passed away a couple of days ago.

I don't know his mum that well, she is only an acquaintence I enjoyed good conversation with when we met socially, but my heart aches for her today. I can only begin to imagine what it would be like to go through 9 months of pregnancy, plan for your new baby, have dreams, and prepare for his birth, only to have a few short days with him, and have those days filled with pain and fear. How do you recover from something like that? I feel sick just thinking about it.

If energy is transferable, and healing, I'm sending her and her family all the love and healing I have right now! I don't know what more to say...

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Let's cut the CRAP...

Crapism, that's my new word of the week...

I think a lot of people are devotees to this movement...

People just talking crap are really getting to me. There's something wrong with me, I'm sure. I've suddenly developed this aversion to it. I can't stand to hear people spouting self-serving or politically correct crap. Some of you know what I'm talking about, you've recently heard my opinions on the feminist view that men and women (boys and girls) are only different because they've been SOCIALLY CONDITIONED...

Sure, social conditioning affects us all, a lot deeper than most of us are ever aware of, BUT it doesn't CHANGE OUR DNA. Seriously, folks, boys do have higher levels of testosterone than girls, at birth, not just at age 3 or 15 or 34...

Women who have higher levels of testosterone also have differing physics, men who have heightened levels of oestrogen develop man boobs and can even secrete milk, and yes, it lowers their sex drive and can make them more feminine, NOT because of how they're socially conditioned, but in fact, DESPITE their social conditioning...

Also, why will people lie to themselves and others about their role in situations, just to make themselves "save face"...

Ok, I know there is a lot of woundedness in this world. I'm wounded, I do and say things that aren't entirely the "how" of things, but I'm trying VERY HARD to be honest about it. Yes, even to myself.

I bitch a lot about other people, there, I've said it...

I'm VERY judgemental when all the cards are laid on the table. I have a lot of intolerance of people's weaknesses, the stories people tell themselves to make themselves feel better about the crap in their lives.

If we were all a lot more honest and forthright, I think we'd all be FREE to be a lot more honest and forthright. By lying about our own situations, we encourage others to lie about their situation because they feel they can't measure up to our wonderfulness. So, by pretending we're all doing the best we can, when in reality we know there is more we could do, we're actually encouraging others to feel crap about their efforts and then they feel compelled to also lie about doing all they can, so we won't think less of them...

I don't think less of people who are honest with themselves and others bout their efforts, but I definitely judge people I can see are lying to me and themselves to save face... That just drives me nuts atm...

Now, I know when I'm being driven nuts about something, it means I'm not facing something in my own life, hehehe... I'm putting that in bold because I want to make sure people understand this post isn't about YOU, it's about me...

Ok, so here's the deal. I'm pissed off because people don't admire me as much as they admire people I know aren't facing their crap. Why do I need to be admired for facing my crap? Why do I need that recognition? Possibly because I had such a tall layer cake of crap covering up my shortcoming that I've felt physically ill at times having to face eating the layer cake to reveal my true self. My true self isn't the Mother Theresa I'd like her to be.

My true self is often a lot more Judge Judy than Jesus, you know? I see people building their layer cakes, I have this bullshit radar that is permanenty on HIGH. I can feel people's pain, and I just KNOW they won't get out from under it until they face it, but I can't make people face it. I WANT to make people face it. I WANT to see the break through. But it's not my job, I don't have that right. But I WANT that right, LOL...

I LOVE it when people are real, when they see what they're doing, even if they don't change what they're doing, just seeing it makes me really like a person (not that it's important to them that I life them, but I like to be around people who are real about themselves)...

Oh I don't know... I need to get a grip... It's not my job to save the world, or save indivduals from themselves. But, yk, this is why I like Dr Phil (despite his cluelessness on babies sleep needs and feeding needs, but hey, once again those things probably stem back to his own issues about needing to be loved by his wife first and foremost, and I'm guessing he'd at least be willing to look into that if it was put to him)... He is able to cut the crap with people. He can say to people, "Do you really believe that?" and because of his charm, they listen. I don't have charm, LOL... When I question people's lies, I'm just a bitch. I sound like a bitch, and am received like a bitch, and well, I can understand that, because I know I don't have Dr Phil's charm...

You know though, I really do love people. I love all those little flaws we all have. I really do wish people well, even those people I can see are hurting others with their way of being and all their issues. I just HATE the crap people spin, and I seeing people get away with spinning crap, and worse being admired for spinning crap, because the crap they're spinning is either politically correct or feeds people's anger and sense of oppression or whatever...

Sorry for the long self-indulgent rant, just had to get this out before I imploded... As it is, I've been a bad, bad person this morning, seemingly having a go at people - even though I don't feel any agro towards the people themselves, just the crap they spin - I know, it's a fine line, but it's there, I don't hate the people, I just hate the crap they spin - if that makes sense... Though I do find it hard to respect people who spin crap, but that's not the same as hating those people... Ok, it makes sense to me anyway...

Will stop now. Am sensing I'll probably offend many with this post, LOL...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

This is for Jen...


Who saw my "grey" hair this morning...

Now it has golden highlights, much better hey? Should have just done it myself in the first place!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Silly little birdies...

Well, because I didn't specifically tell Dave not to tell anyone where I was if anyone called while I was out this morning, two friends were told I was at the hairdressers...

So, there goes my surprise, LOL... Not that it was anything spectacular, but the fun of seeing if anyone noticed is all gone now that people are pretty much expecting to see a difference... Anyway...

I didn't get my hair cut, only a very slight trim. What I did was have highlights put in my hair. I was considering going fairly blonde, but decided against that because Dave seems so worried about it, so when with a subtle lot of highlights (besides I can always go a bit blonder next time, and probably will)...

The difference is market, but not marked enough to be noticeable on a photograph, so I'm not posting one because, well, you can't really see anything once the flash has washed everything out...

The girl blow dried my hair super straight (despite me telling her I had it permed 10 months ago because I don't appreciate my super straight hair)... So, I just wet it, but because it hasn't got any detangler in it, it's turned into a birds nest, LOL...

I just wanted to do something a little different... I think maybe I should have been a bit bolder and gone even lighter, but baby steps, I suppose...

Saturday, July 08, 2006

My Erigo!!!

Had to post about my new ergo baby carrier! It's so cool!

I've been a confirmed sling fan for about 5 years or so, and carried Luey in his sling for 2.5 years solidly... With Bryn though I found I was starting to get sore. I think this is partly because I'm just getting older and more worn out (sleeping on a futon probably isn't helping, but Dave refuses to sleep on anything else, LOL, and besides I kind of love out extra wide custom futon, and we couldn't get that in an innerspring...)... Also, though, Bryn is a real leaner, so even when I put him on my back in the sling, he leans so badly that he puts my centre of balance right out and I end up with a sore shoulder...

So, I finally decided to pay out for an Ergo. I really only gave in to the Ergo because I've lost a heap of weight and now can do the hip belt up without an extension belt (at one point, the extension belt wouldn't even have fit)...

So, I got this on Wednesday and went for a walk with Jen on Thursday, and barely noticed Bryn's 10kg at all... That night though, I really felt it in my outer calves, LOL, had to resort to Deep Heat so I could get some sleep (oh, how old did I feel then, LOLOLOL)...

Wore it again today to Pinky McKay's booksigning at Borders, and again, it went very well. The best thing is Bryn seems happy enough to stay in the Ergo for more than 20 minutes at a time - he's never liked staying in either the sling or the pram for much longer than that, so this is a real winner just for that reason... Am planning two more walks with Jen this week, and will try for at least one more on my own with Bryn in the ergo... Hoping to get more exercise into my week over the next few weeks as Bryn's birthday is looming in just five and a half weeks and I really would love to get down to 76kg for that (because then I'll have lost 30kg in the year since his birth)...

Monday, July 03, 2006

How are things going out there in blog world?

I've had a few cute stories to tell about the kids lately, but they don't seem to make their way onto here for some reason...

Erik got up in front of 100 people at the shopping centre the other week and twirled a plate on a stick, Chinese circus style, I was immensely proud of him, partly for being able to follow the instructions of the lady perfermer who transferred her spinning plate to his stick and then got him to stand on one leg while balance the plate on his plate, but mostly just because he put his hand up to be picked and when he was picked he didn't hesitate for a second to get up on stage in front of everyone! It goes to show that not all traits are inherited from parents. This isn't something either Dave or I would have done...

Even though I *know* my kids are doing ok, what with being completely mollycoddled with AP and then isolated at home with homeschooling (no, this isn't an admission, I'm just putting it as others often perceive it), it's very reaffirming when my kids do "normal" unself-conscious stuff and actually show that they're not timid and all-at-sea out there in the big, bad world...

Actually, they both impressed me with their level of comfort going in amongst a large group of other kids also watching/participating in the show that day. I saw other parents having to coax their kids into sitting on the mat and some of the kids looked very self-conscious and uncomfortable - I'm assuming this was more a personality thing, than anything else. It showed me that my kids probably have what it takes to do well even if they don't have daily opportunities to hone their skills in mixing with large groups of other kids, like schooled kids do. Certainly, they seemed to fair well on that occassion.

Another story is, of course, the one from yesterday where a Dad in a baby clothing store was putting words in his baby boy's mouth and suggesting his boy was flirting with my "girl" and that that somehow reflected well on his son's masculinity. I didn't have the heart to tell the dad that the "girl"his son was "flirting" with was, in fact, my SON... Yeah, ok, so Bryn was wearing a pink hat and socks, but really, I think it's a bit much to be pretending your 1 year old is some sort of Casinova anyway - geez, let the baby just be a baby for a bit...

Hmmm, that's all I've got atm...

Teenagers and the failing parent...