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Sleep deprived and feeling yuck!

I yelled at Bryn at 6am this morning :(.

I've been suffering with sleep deprivation thanks to a combination of insomnia and a baby who only sleeps deeply in the first part of the night.

He goes to sleep around 7ish at night, at that point he's pretty shagged and there is no keeping him awake. He then usually sleeps for a couple of hours, wakes, feeds, goes back to sleep for another couple of hours, wakes, feeds, goes back to sleep for another couple of hours.

On evenings he's restless, he might wake every 40 minutes, but usually goes back to sleep either at the boob, or on Dave's shoulder. After about 1am, he becomes much more restless, wants to feed a lot more, I think he just gets to the end of his required quota of deep sleep is all...

The thing is, I can't seem to get to sleep before 2am myself. So, often he'll wake around 1am for a feed, but not want to be put back down, so eventually I'll take him to bed at 2am, but he'll feed for the next hour or so. Then I usually try to sit up and rock him back to sleep, hopefully deep enough that can lay him on the bed and turn over myself. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.

Last night, he woke around midnight, have slept extra deeply between 7 and midnight (only woke once), then he simply wouldn't go back to sleep. We were up until 3am before he dropped off. Went to bed, took me another 1/2 hour to go to sleep, then he woke at 5am, and started feeding, but wouldn't sleep without the nipple in his mouth (my nipples are really sore atm thanks to Oing)... I sat up trying to rock him at 6am, I could hear the boys out in the loungeroom, they were already up by 5.30am but now they were starting to chatter out there, and I was getting irretable.

I was startting that vicious thinking cycle of, "Luey did this exact same thing for 6 months before I nightweaned him, but he started at 18 months, not 10 months. I don't want to be nightweaning Bryn before at least two years - don't want to at all. With Luey I left it so long I believe it contributed to my seizures. I don't want to have any more seizures and end up back on meds. Why is Bryn doing this? Why won't he just go to sleep? Just GO TO SLEEP!" I was getting really tense and I could hear the boys making more noise. If I got up and told them to be quiet Bryn would be disturned, if I called out them to be quiet, he'd be disturbed. Why couldn't Dave hear them? If they kept making more noise, they'd disturb Bryn. I just wanted to put Bryn down and go to sleep.

Bryn started wriggling in my arms and whinging.

Argh! I put him down and yell at him, JUST GO TO SLEEP!!! He started crying. Of course he started crying, I'd cry too if I was half asleep and someone yelled at me in the dark! How stupid and mean was that???

I jumped out of bed and stormed into the loungeroom and yelled at the boys to go back to bed, it was 7am - not too early for them to be up...

I stormed into the study, and yelled at Dave to get up and deal with the kids before I put one of them through a wall!!! Dave jumped out of his skin because he was in a DEEP sleep!

I ranted and rave in the loungeroom for 20 minutes with Dave consoling Bryn on the couch and the boys in their room. Then I stormed back to the bedroom, cried and fell asleep.

Dave let me sleep until 11am. I didn't sleep deeply. I was aware that he looked in on me at some point. I felt dizzy as I lay there feeling like a crappy person. I've felt crappy all day, but not just because I lost it with everyone, not because they were being unreasonable but because I was tired. I just felt really depressed, haven't felt this way in months, quite literally!

Dave got a possible job offer today, we'll know tomorrow. He might be starting work next week. Am I going to be able to cope? Have I been deluding myself for the past four months because he's been here to pick up the slack?

I'm pissed off too, because he has gotten his sleep apnoea sorted, which is partly why he slept through me losing it this morning, and why he didn't hear Bryn crying, and why he is sleeping in the study in the first place. Also, he hasn't done anything to get his liscence, oh, sorry, I forgot, he got the booklet to start reading for his Ls, that's it, he hasn't actually read the book yet...

One good thing, today is nearly over...

Comments

Cabrissi said…
:::sympathies::: Sif, sleep deprivation SUCKS. Laurent has been impossible to get to stay asleep the last week or so too.
anastasia_wolf said…
*hugs* I agree with Amanda, sleep dep sucks. I had decent sleep the night befpre and had SUCH a good day yesterday, and just because I got sleep. I don't have any sleep problems myself thankfully but I can definitely empathise with what you're going through :(.
Rae said…
Oh Sif, no sleep turns the best of us into screaming banshees. :( It really feels like the cruelest thing.
I hate being in that dilemma of not being able to move because you'll wake up the baby and thinking "Why can't DH hear that? And why isn't he doing something?! Why don't I have telepathic powers to yell into his brain?" LOL With us it isn't other kids, it's our dog barking up a storm at exactly the wrong moment.
((HUGS)) darling. :) Hope you feel better.
HipbubbyMama said…
******Sleeeeeeepy Vibes Bryn********** :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

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