Saturday, September 30, 2006

Getting Counselling...

This has been coming for a looooong time, but it's time to step and take responsibility for my anger issues. Got the name and number of a good counsellor the other day, one who doesn't seem to have issues with attachment parenting practices. Gave her a call and unfortunately she is totally booked out for a while to come. She recommended a colleague though, who works in an adjoining office, who she said would also be open to various parenting practices.

My issue with finding an open counsellor is that I don't want someone who is going to assume my anger stems directly from the pressures I put on myself with cosleeping, extended breastfeeding and homeschooling. I'm sure, with my anger remaining unresolved, these practices probably contribute to the stress I feel, but i don't believe they are the cause of my rage.

My evidence for this is that I feel far less rage towards Luey and Bryn than I do towards Erik, and Erik was my baby who slept apart, sleep really well (even by modern "sleep schedule" standards - he's sleep 12 hours a night, and two tow hour naps each day until he was two!), he also self weaned at 19 months of age and was never truly demand fed (I started out schedule feeding him every three hours and he just made that his ongoing habit so that even when I "demand fed" him, it was at three hourly intervals)...

Homeschooling does mean no respite, but then I have a very supportive dh, who is home four days a week, and even when he was home for 4.5 months straight I still felt the rage, I definitely didn't exhibit it nearly as often, but I did feel it...

So, I know I have to deal with this if I'm to have any hope of being the kind of parent I know my kids deserve...

In the past few days I've found myself thinking I might even consider "forcing" my kids to go to school, just to "get a beak", and I know that wouldn't make any of us happy, but I'm feel very burned out atm, and very confused about how I'm parenting (I know I do my best, but I find myself emotionally manipulating my bigger kids and it's wrong, wrong, wrong)...

So, anyway, biting the bullet and getting counselling. It'll probably cost a fair bit (for someone on my budget anyway), but I have high hopes of it making a big difference to me being able to start liking myself as a parent again...

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Feeding the masses...

Well, I've convinced Dave we NEED a dining table setting for 8 (master plan in action here ;))... This is how I put it to him... His parents are getting older (aren't we all), but to the degree that they're really not up to hosting Christmas dinner anymore... Was a struggle two years ago, last year Dave went over there are 9am to help his mum start lunch, and lunch was still delayed a bit... So, the time is rolling around that we will need to take on that responsiibility - not that I'm looking for to it or anything, having our cooking compared to his mother, oy vey!!!

Soooo, ok, if we got a six seater table, we could seat Dave's parents, and us, and the two bigger boys, but not Bryn - and while he is still high chair bound this year, next year he'll likely be in the booster seat ruining my best (read ONLY) table cloth!

And then there's my brother (OMG, my family and Dave's are like oil and water, they just don't mix...), he's likely to be spending Christmas with us this year, so that makes TWO seats short...

So, there you have it, we NEED an 8 seater dining setting!

And this pitch didn't even include; kids birthday parties, our dinner parties (one day, one day), and WHAT IF we ACCIDENTALLY had one or two more kids, where would we put them??? Hahahahaha!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

procrastinating, procarasting - so, let's do a list...

Ok, it's nearly 3.30pm, so Dave will be home in 3 hours time (more or less). I want to clean up the place so he doesn't have to spend tomorrow cleaning up while I'm off at playgroup with Bryn... He tends to waste his days off pottering around the house, doing dishes mainly (this guy can make doing the dishes an all-day-event, argh!0...

So, I thought I'd get a few things done before he got home, as a surprise... Here's what I want to get done...

  • Tidy the dining, lounge and hall, including sweeping the floors, sorting out the nappy stand, and tidying Bryn's toys.
  • Fold all the washing and put the nappies together
  • tidy the bathroom and my room
  • Get boys to sort their room (thankfully not a big job as we've been keeping this up every day this week)
  • Do the dishes
  • Cook dinner.
  • Dust (this will only happen if everything else gets done)...
Ok, just finishing my tea here, and then I'm off to get this done...

Sunday, September 24, 2006

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
Just one??? Oooh, that's too hard... Um, gosh, I dunno, Maybe one of those luxury apartments on Glenelg beach? That way I'd have mum and s-dad nearby, which would be great for all of us. I'd be near the beach, be near the city... And I really like Adelaide. It would be hard to be away fom my friends though... I don't know really, is there such a thing as a perfect place for me?

What’s your favorite article of clothing?
Um, now usually I'd say my red velvet long coat - it's a true replica of a 1920s design, and gorgeous, but unfortunately it's now on the big side on me and not so flattering anymore... I have a new black dragon tshirt I really like though...

Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
Yeah, I'm an eys person... But for me, it's not physical really, it's the mind, always the mind... He could be perty perty, but if he didn't have a quick mind, I'd be totally put off...

What’s the last CD that you bought?
The Best of Savage Garden (and yes, that was this year, hahaha)...


Where’s your favorite place to be?
The beach on a sunny, but not stinking hot, day...

Where’s your least favorite place to be?
Lots of people are saying the dentist, which would be true for me too, except that I NEVER go... I'd have to say, the pathologist...

What’s your favorite place to be massaged?
Back/shoulders!

Strong in mind or strong in body?
Yeah, um, hmmmm, strong in mind (some days, some days I think I'm losing my mind), getting stronger in body...

What time do you wake up in the morning?
Between 6.30-7am, but I don't get up them (that's when B wakes)... I just kind of ignore B until I hear Dave talking to the boys (usually around 7-7.30am), then I call out to him and he take's B until about 7.50am on the days he works, or 9-ish on the other days...

What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
Oh, that would be a toss up between the kettle, the toaster and jaffle maker (thanks Jayne, we're ever greatful for that jaffle maker!)...

What makes you really angry?
Being lied to!!!

If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Piano - or any kind of keyboard really - second to that, the drums - I'm basically a percussion person, LOL!!!

Favorite color?
Any colour 'cept brown!

Which do you prefer…sports car or SUV?
SUV, but with three rows of seats, so I can fit everything, including another driver and HER kids, hahahaha (seeing as I don't drive)...

Do you believe in an afterlife?
Yes, but not in the "you die and live on as spirit/you die and reincarnate as the same soul in a different body" - it's complicated, more like string theory afterlife ;)...

Favorite children’s book?
Where is the green sheep! That or Slinky Malinky!

What is your favorite season?
Autumn, long warm days, cool nights...

What is your least favorite household chore?
The dishes. Am very good at NEVER having to do them...

If you could have one super power, what would it be?
Premonition - oh wait, I have that... Um, I'd like to be able to see well enough to drive...

If you have a tattoo, what is it?
No tattoo. I want two, the only thing holding me back is deciding what I want them to look like...

Can you juggle?
Two balls but not three - does that count?


The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to?
Yes, my last ex... I'd tell him to come out of the closet, and I'd apologise for not being together enough myself to realise that we had a co-dependant relationship that was no good for either of us...

What’s your favorite day?
Any day Dave is home to help with the kids...

What’s in the boot of your car?
A winning ticket to the next superlotto and a positive home pregnancy test (well, while I'm imagining a car, I may as well imagine some other stuff I'd just LOVE to have)...

Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
Sushi! But it has to be REALLY fresh and COLD and TUNA and/or SALMON...

I'm pulling a Sif and tagging whomever hasn't been tagged yet, YOU'RE IT!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

The rest of my life...

My last few posts have been a bit preoccupied (thank you to everyone who commented, all your comments helped me through more than you can imagine)... So, I thought it was time to post about something else...

The Various Faces of Bryn









Knitting projects... The snake one has already sold as a second because I wasn't happy with the stitching on the bum. The other two are currently on auction and are sold (as in already bid on) but the auction isn't finished yet, so the final price is not yet set... I was really happy with the apple which I just made up as I went along - I never work from a pattern, either in the pants themselves or the embellishments, so anyone with two or more of my longies will find no two are exactly the same, LOL, and the flowers, which were oh so simple but very effective, I think...

Am currently working on another pair (will finish kniting them tonight, and will embellish them tomorrow and Monday/Tuesday - haven't decided what yet... The colours are gorgeous though, thanks to Leah's great dye work!









So, there you go, it's not all doom and gloom around here, and life goes on, even went we have to readjust our view of the world and ourselves...

Friday, September 22, 2006

One more positive...

Was reading the site of the school I mentioned in the previous post and it says...

The school motto "creativity and endeavour" is reflected in all aspects of the curriculum. In particular, the Visual and Performing Arts program, with its visual art, drama and dance components, encourages all children to develop confidence and self esteem. The strong emphasis on this area is a result of: the significant link to the historical heritage of the school location, the influence of the artists Tom Roberts and Frederick McCubbin whose names were selected to create the school name, the annual celebration of the 'Artists' Camp Fair', the commitment to the 'Artist in Residence Program', the provision of individual and group performances in the form of musicals, drama/dance festivals, concerts and soirees, availability of private instrumental tuition, the strong partnership with the National Gallery of Victoria and -------- art groups and the diverse range of art work which is proudly displayed throughout the school.
The significance of this paragraph is that Erik has long shown an interest in the arts, most recently the performing arts (looooooong family history here, of course, hehehehe)... So maybe the Universe is conspiring to put him in the place he needs to be to get the skills he needs to persue the dreams he is yet to dream???

Yes, I'm searching high and low for all the positives in this situation, hehehehe...

Roberts McCubbin Primary School...

Ok, after a chat with Jayne, I've found out about a school that looks better than our closest local... It would mean a walk, two busess and another walk, but if it is a school that would better meet Erik's needs, it's worth it... And who knows, maybe Dave will even get off his proverbial and get a licence...

Thanks to all the supportive comments and a good nights sleep, I'm feeling a little better about this this morning... There isn't something embarrassing about meeting your child's need, and Erik, right now, needs this option, he needs to try this out...

Jayne, you can tell Jo that Sam had something to do with this too, Erik told me this morning that Sam had told him at Liam's birthday that school is fun, apparently that has been playing on his mind...

So, Erik might be the kind of child who enjoys school, just because I didn't doesn't mean he won't. And if he doesn't, we can still homeschool him, and then he'll at least have come to homeschooling knowing his options from experience - and above all I've wanted him to learn through experience.

Also, just because Erik goes to school, doesn't mean Luey or Bryn will go. If they want to, they have that option too, but they may not want to. An online acquaintence of mine has 7 children, and they each had their own school experience. One went the public school route, one private school, one boarding school, one school of the air, one natural learning, and so on (including combinations of those things)... These were their choices, and she and her partner accommodated them...

Maybe that is the truest freedom in education, being able to follow the path that bests suits you, even if it isn't what your parents would have chosen for you?

All these thoughts swirling around in my head now... I just want Erik to be happy and to have the best opportunity to be true to himself...

Gosh, though, I'm a bit intimidated by this whole starting school business... I'm having other silly thoughts too, like being bound by the school timetable (having to drop him off, and pick him up, and stay in town during the terms etc), not that we had plans to travel the country or anything, but still, we had that option. Also, because I moved schools so much as a child, if he really wants to stick with this, then I don't want him to have to change schools unless he has to for educational reasons, which means we definitely staying in this suburb... It also means it would be better for us to live at the other end of the suburb at some point...

So much to get my head around...

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Erik wants to go to school...

I'm so upset, I wasn't even going to post this blog... I just want this to go away. I feel like I've completely failed him. He wants to go to school for two reasons (these are his reasons) a) he wants to make friends, and b) he wants his own locker... Ok, so I don't know what that second reason is about, but the first one is like a skewer through my heart... We've failed him. He feels isolated. This despite taking him to homeschooling group where he didn't make any friends because he hangs around the edges, and tries only to make friends through Luey (that is Luey makes friends and Erik moves in and monopolises them - he's so much like me :(...).

I'm so afraid for him. Even though this won't happen until the beginning of next year now because we want him to learn to read this summer first, I'm so afraid that once at school he'll be teased and/or bullied. I'm afraid he'll be ostracised like I was because he is so much like me in how he interacts, latching onto adults and being so awkward with kids his age in group situations...

And, of course, him missing the first couple of years of school (well, at least the first year, if he was held back a year, which I'm sure we would have done anyway) won't help either...

What's more, I think the school system in Australia SUCKS big time, and so this whole thing would not be about an education for him, but rather about him socialising, and after all my arguing that kids don't need socialising at school, this is a huge egg face for me...

I feel sick.

Luey doesn't want to go to school next year. That confuses matters more for me, I mean, what if he too decides in two years time that being home is bad, and being at school would be better?

The depth of my feelings of failure right now are just unmeasurable...

Oh, and he'll have to go to the local public school, which doesn't have a good reputation, so basically not only is he going to school, something I just don't believe in, he's going to a poor quality school...

To put this in terms others might understand...

Not only is he having an OB, he's opting for an elective c/s...

Or
Not only is he not being breastfed, he's drinking Coke...

Someone please wake me from this nightmare...

Monday, September 18, 2006

The Wisdom of Star Trek - The Enemy Within...

Dave just recently bought the entire first series of Star Trek on DVD because they're digitally remodeling it for re-release atm, and he is thinking they'll simply phase out the original version...

Anyway, so we're lumbering through it in order of production, as I haven't seen many episodes of the original series myself... I say "lumbering" because even though I was, initially, rather jazzed at the prospect of finally seeing this show, as an adult, and seeing how it measured up to the rememberances of my Trekker parents, I've come to realise that it is heavily dusted in some form of soporific, LOLOLOLOL... I don't know what it is, but after watching an episode I usually head off to bed, yawning my head off!

Anyway, I had a late afternoon nap today, so Dave suggested we watch and episode seeing as I wasn't likely to fall asleep from it (I still ended up yawning, though)... It was a good episode though and timely (don't you love how the Universe speaks to you through whatever medium you're open to at the moment!)...

The episode was called "The Enemy Within" and basically Bull Shitner, er, I mean Bill Shatner, playing Capt. Kirk experiences being split in two when teleported from a planets surface, back up to the Enterprise. It's a sort of Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde storyline whereby he splits off into an all good version of himself and an all impulsive, or bad, or ID version of him...

But it's not as black and white as that, as within the 48 minutes of the show, you come to realise that the all good, compassionate side of Capt. Kirk is not able to make decisions because he cannot shut down his compassion enough to make the hard calls, and the ID part of himself suffers greatly from fear, fear of dying, and see only the bad side of life...

So, at one point Capt. Kirk realises he NEEDS his dark side to function, to be able to be the all-round-good-guy, he sometimes has to be a bad guy... In the end he literally, as well as figuratively, embraces the fierce but frightened side of himself... And thus becomes a whole man again... Aaaaaah!

But, isn't that the thing... I've been struggling so much with my dark side of late, with that part of me I just don't like - that part of me that mostly shows itself in my role as a parent... I've been trying to reject that part of me, and say it isn't really me, it's circumstance, rather than accepting it as part of who I am... But more on that later, right now I just want to ruminate on the wisdom of Star Trek...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Earthdance 2006

We took ourselves of to Earthdance 2006, at Collingwood Children's Farm... This was the 10th annual Earthdance, a globally linked up festival for world peace... We'd never been, so this was new experience, but I had heard it might be fun for the kids, and there'd be roaming perform artists about - which I thought Erik might really love! So, off we went...

Took a few photos, much happier with the lighting today, and managed to get a few I was happy with (mostly for catching form)...



Loved this one of Jayne's daughter dancing to the music!



Dave managed to catch a pic of me, I'm totally gobsmacked at how I'm aging, I just don't see myself this way, hahaha!



What an appropriate tshirt for the day, don't you think! I knew straight away this photo would be a fave of mine!



Erik mastered twirling the hoop on his arm today and was very proud of himself!




Don't you just love the shape that woman on the right has made with her body?! I'm so happy I caught it!


My little possum!

The endangered Aussie native; the spotted (blue tongued) tree frog!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Photos from the Museum...

I have to say, I wasn't particularly happy with the photos taken from this day. It was a super bright day out, and many of the photos were washed out. Not to mention that I only got 24 photos in total anyway (and my hit rate isn't that high, LOLOLOLOL)... Have had a play with all of these to try and make something of them...








Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Having trouble with trust...

I'm having trouble trusting... Trusting myself, trusting other people... I don't know what's wrong, and I don't know where I stand. I was saying to a friend today that maybe this is normal for our age - maybe THIS is the midlife crisis (you know, considering that life expectancies used to be 70 years, not 80)... Maybe that's it...

I was saying to my friend that my problem is that I worry what people I like think... Not what they think of me (that doesn't worry me much, for some reason), I worry what they think I think of them...

I've been feeling so judgemental of late... That is, I've realised that the things I take for granted (ideas, concepts, ways of perceiving things), other people don't feel the same about, and no matter how I try to explain myself, they don't understand things the way I do.

I feel frustrated by this, like someone who has "seen the light" and wants to evangelise and have everyone experience the same epiphany...

Of course, we're all on our own path, and being such, we may NEVER see things the same way, or have the same epiphanies...

So, why am I so frustrated that others can't "catch up" - even that sounds so arrogant, and I really don't want to be arrogant, because in being arrogant I'm showing how little I've really learned, and how little wisdom I really have - argh!!!

See? See how I can't trust myself?

Like another friend said today, there are times when you just get sick of yourself, of listening to yourself and being in your own company - that's kind of how I'm feeling atm...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Our day out...

We went for a walk down to town today, and stopped on the way at the park for a play... Basically a chance for them to run off some energy, and me to do some photography - though even trying to get in frame was a challenge...

I haven't bothered to adjust any of these pics...

Popeye Erik...

Bryn enjoying the bouncy See-saw and sporting his new Buddha t-shirt, courtesy of the talent Leah!

Playing with the superball from Grandpa Lester and Amma Yja...

Erik, busting a move - that kid has natural form! He LOVES to "be on stage" and perform!

Luey doing a starjump for the camera!

He can do the flying fox without me holding his legs!!! Geez, he's growing up so fast!

The boys got new "real" light sabres today (each sword has three colour settings and three sound effects, they LOVE them, the batteries should be due for replace in about an hour...)!

Big boy flying the fox...

The boys got new sandals and new sun hats today too (big spending day, again)... Ended up getting them peak caps, though they really should have something to cover their ears and neck, but seriously they don't make legionaires hats for bigger boys, and they refuse to wear full on sun hats, because they're not cool... Oh well, there's always sunscreen...

Monday, September 11, 2006

First Grounding...

Today was the first time in his entire life, that Bryn's feet touched the ground - his flesh on the soil of this Earth... Today he was 1 year and 3 weeks and 5 days old... The occassion of this first grounding was a visit from our friends Leah and Audrey, and the neccessity of Leah and I being present in our children's play outside ;)...

here are some pics from today - the slightly odd liike photo of Bryn grimacing at the camera was when I first realised he'd first touched ground, and it came out a bit blurry so I "fixed" it in photoshop...

Sweet Flower Girl

Grounding!

Flower food for dinosaurs

Truck Play

Beautiful beautiful boy!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The fun with Statcounter...

I installed statcounter a while back to track how many, and who, were visiting my blog, and it's been an interesting little while since, LOL... Today I saw that someone had visited me after checking out Technorati.com, where there had been posted a couple of small pieces on the demise of the Swinburne Student Union, and Andrew Landeryou's blog... Anyhoo, whoever it was, decided to check out my blog next - goodness only knows why... But whoever you are, there ain't nuffin' interesting to see here, so move right along, peoples (geez, some people can't let go, can they?)...

Smallpox???

Got a call from mum today (ah, geez, forgot to call her back, have to do that)...

When I discovered Bryn had chickenpox last Tuesday morning, I rang her to get her to let the family sitting in front of us at church the previous Sunday know about the chickenpox (they were a family of four gorgeous boys, one of whom Bryn had definitely made physical contact with)... Anyhoo, so today mum tells me, while choking back laughter, that she'd call the other mum, who she did not personally know, and introduced herself and said she was calling because her grandson had been discover to have SMALLPOX, and so she wanted to be sure this family had a heads up...

Apparently, there was a short silence on the other end of the phone, before the woman asked mum is she was absolutely sure it was smallpox, which mum confirmed she was sure it was, and the woman then asked if there was any chance she meant CHICKENPOX, which mum then had to admit, that probably was what she meant....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, now Bryn is first recorded account of smallpox in Australia since, what?, the 1950s???

I should explain that English is not my mum's first language, LOL...

I asked mum what else the other mum said, and it seems she said it was fine for her children to get chickenpox, they would only benefit from the natural immunity - i.e. she hadn't had them vaccinated! Fancy hitting on another family that wasn't vaccine rabbid, LOL!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Three colours BOY...




When I was pregnant with Bryn, I kept hoping he'd be a blonde. This was because Erik was a brunette and Luey was a red head, and so it seemed kind of a cool idea to have a blonde too...

When Bryn was born he had brown hair... It has lightened a bit to a light brown, but I'd hoped it would lighten more... I'd pretty much given up hope. Then visiting mum this weekend I was saying how I kept imagining it was getting lighter at the crown, and she said that was quite possible.


As it turns out, I was born with the same hair colour Bryn has, and a photo taken when I was 18 months showed it to be similar to his colour now, but by the time I was two it was very blonde and stayed that way for several years, as seen in these pics...

I'm attempted to take a photo of the lighter patch of hair that is just emerging on Bryn's head now... It's more to one side of his crown, which is odd, really, but it's hard to tell because his haie colour changes in different lights so it might look like just light hitting his hair...

So, I might have my blondey afterall!

Teenagers and the failing parent...