Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Having trouble with trust...

I'm having trouble trusting... Trusting myself, trusting other people... I don't know what's wrong, and I don't know where I stand. I was saying to a friend today that maybe this is normal for our age - maybe THIS is the midlife crisis (you know, considering that life expectancies used to be 70 years, not 80)... Maybe that's it...

I was saying to my friend that my problem is that I worry what people I like think... Not what they think of me (that doesn't worry me much, for some reason), I worry what they think I think of them...

I've been feeling so judgemental of late... That is, I've realised that the things I take for granted (ideas, concepts, ways of perceiving things), other people don't feel the same about, and no matter how I try to explain myself, they don't understand things the way I do.

I feel frustrated by this, like someone who has "seen the light" and wants to evangelise and have everyone experience the same epiphany...

Of course, we're all on our own path, and being such, we may NEVER see things the same way, or have the same epiphanies...

So, why am I so frustrated that others can't "catch up" - even that sounds so arrogant, and I really don't want to be arrogant, because in being arrogant I'm showing how little I've really learned, and how little wisdom I really have - argh!!!

See? See how I can't trust myself?

Like another friend said today, there are times when you just get sick of yourself, of listening to yourself and being in your own company - that's kind of how I'm feeling atm...

6 comments:

Rae said...

This was me for YEARS at Uni. As much as I enjoyed being there I really felt out of place with my ideas. I don't think its arrogant to feel like people just don't get your ideas and arghh why the fuck not?!! Especially when I explained it so passionately? Why aren't I some kind of guru now goddammit?!! LOL I feel like this ALOT just don't say it during the course of the conversation. It's not nice! ha ha Honestly i think everyone goes through these feelings at some stage and I really think its caused by your brain going through a big growth period. Therefore in exercising it alot you experience limits within other people and within yourself and this IS frustrating. The 'reaching' is good for you even if it causes you pain and fatigue later. Kind of like physical exercise really.

Conclusion? You're very bright and now you're paying the price! LOL

Sif said...

Hahahaha, yeah... Ok, I hear you, I think my issue is accepting that other people are just as bright (often brighter, I suspect) and will still never quite see things the way I do... I see things the way I do because of my experiences and my way of "putting together" the information I have at hand... Other people may have the same information, but make it fit together in another way, one which brings out ideas and perspectives I haven't yet consider, and could learn from...

The key is, I think, to keep reminding myself to not close off to other people's way of looking at things but because it doesn't immediately "fit" my perspective, or my focus at the time...

Sometimes I feel capable of being balanced and open and able to hear what others are saying, and sometimes I just want people to see my absolutely brilliant insights without questioning them, LOL...

Rae said...

Yep :) There's alot of value in learning acceptance of a diversity of ideas regardless of whether or not you get how the hell they got there or how in hell it can sit right with them. Easier said than done but really it liberates you when you manage it. Just remember if you're having a judgemental day it always helps your cause if you 'look' really self assured about your position and not at all bothered by theirs. Even when inside you're spitting chips! ;) People remember the presentation not always the content as absurd as that seems.

Rae said...

Also forgot to comment on your last paragraph. :) I think part of feeling sick of yourself often has to do with working through something difficult and the repetitive strain of nutting out the same situation over and over again.

Sorry if all of this is sounding a little like a therapist LOL I just found your post really interesting as i thought i was the only person that thought like that. I'm always being told "i think too much". Glad to see someone else gives themselves headaches too. he he

Sif said...

Mostly, I carry off being self-assured and blase all at once really well... But every now and then I just get tired of being the odd one out (hmmmm, see that doesn't even sound right, because we're all the odd one out, but sometimes I tire of being the odder or oddest one out, hehehe)...

Oh yeah, I realise this is nutting stuff out, I just wish I'd "get there" already, LOL...

Rae said...

Yeah i know.. ((HUGS))

Teenagers and the failing parent...