I'm starting to realise a few things - they may seem like "duh" things to all of you out there in cyberland, but to me they're kind of just sinking in...
As Dr Phil says, do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?
I've been measuring myself up against other parents, in a bad way... That is, I've been trying to tell myself, if X with 5 or 7 kids and no car and no external support can be a homeschooling parent, then I sure as hell can! This isn't true. Same as with any parenting practice really... I say, if Y can cloth nappy all those kids without a dryer, then I should be able to to... Again, not true... If Z can have a homebirth with kids in the room, then I should be able to as well...
Why do I beleive these things? Why is it I will ignore the blantantly obvious (my own unhappiness, the children's unhappiness, Dave's unhappiness) just because I feel I "should" be able to do what someone else is doing, based on the variables I can "see"...
Let's not steal the "other person's" thunder here, let's say another parent, who's dh works more than my dh (so she has less daily help at home), who has more kids than me, who also doesn't drive, who seems to be a great, empathetic, cheerful, COPING parent, and who is homeschooling, REALLY is all that she seems to be, isn't that great?! So why do I feel like I HAVE to be all of that too? Why do I feel like if that person can do it, I should have no excuse because my dh is home more than half the week, and I have fewer kids - even though my own anecdotal evidence is screaming that I actually AM NOT coping that well, and my relationships at home are suffering because of it?
Makes no sense.
I'm trying so hard to be "right" that I'm forgoing everyone's happiness, including my own...
Which only leads straight back to my life lesson - that I must learn to LET GO! I must not cling to an ideal that isn't even working out to be particulary idyllic.
Less is sometimes more.
Sorry for the ramble guys, I'm just sorting stuff out in my head. Trying to get real about a few things... I totally admire people who can do things I want to be able to do and can do them well. What I have to come to erms with is that if I'm not doing them as well as the people I admire, I need to be realistic and see if my continuing to try and do tham on other people's terms sin't actually costing my family more than I'm hoping it will gain us...
For example. my ideal is to homeschool all my kids, be a wonderful loving, caring, fun mum and supportive partner of my dh. In the past couple of years I've been doing the first of those three things, but slipping badly on the second and faltering a bit on the third (by slipping badly on the second because he is left to pick up the slack and it's more than he can handle - which he has been very honest and upfront about each time I've pitched for another child, can't fault him there)... So, taking on more than I can obviously chew and chewing like hell has basically seen me end up with a hefty case of lock jaw...
Ok, so what if I don't homeschool, but I do go get some counselling to deal with my rage and I do work on being a better mother, more compassionate, more loving, more fun... The kids will likely encounter lots of things at school that will upset them. Are those things worse than the things that are upsetting them at home? Well, I don't know that yet, of course... what I do know is, that I want my kids to feel safe and loved at home and I'm not sure they do - I'm not sure Erik does, well not as much as I'd want him to.
I don't have the support I need to do the things I want to do. I don't have an extended family, I don't have the means to get out with the kids, without it being more work than fun. To be very honest, I don't hve the internal resources to do it either - I'm basically a very wounded person still, I'm sooooo much better than I was a few years ago, I know that, but really I haven't scratched the surface of the stuff I need to heal from. On these limited resources I'm trying to be someone who can give and give and give.
Dave is very good to me, he gives me a lot, both in practical and emotional support, but he has his own issues as well, so he gets drained too.
So, basically I'm trying to sail a very holey boat, keeping five people afloat and relaxed and enjoying themselves while screaming at everyone to bail water as fast as they can, and refusing to allow the other boats passing us by and offering to take some of our load to help out...