More from today...

VERY tired now, so just some pics :)...

Gathering for the ritual...


Casting the circle...


After we all burned out written out wishes for the coming year, the kids cast salt on the ashes and made their own wishes :)...


Then we got started on the Maypole, it starting out very orderly...


That didn't last long, hahaha...


Once the kids lost intereste, the mum's started trying to figure out it out and realise it would probably take a lot of practice to make it look "professional" :D...


And still going (that's a lot of ribbon there!)...


Aw, but didn't it turn out pretty! This lovely Maypole will now take up residence under the family bed of a friend who is hoping to be pregnant very soon! ;)...


And then it was time to feast!


We also got some EXCELLENT news of a friend who POAS today (such a great day to do this) and discovered that she, indeed, IS pregnant!!! Whoo Hoo, Congrats hon!!!

Merry Beltaine!!!

Ah, the air is thick with festivity today! It's my favourite Sabbath of all! Beltaine, the sabbath of fertility! A time to dwell on all the new and growing things around us in the final month of Spring!!! A time of new beginnings!

I'm having a few friends around today to celebrate Beltaine and to reflect on our wishes for the coming year, the dreams we're willing into fruition, and the projects we will to grow and prosper!

I've finally found a reason to wear this top I bought in Bendigo some three years ago that was too small for me then, and is getting too big for me now, I'll have to sell it soon, but I just wanted an opportunity to wear it once... So, ALREADY a dream is coming to fruition today for me :D!

Merry Belatine one and all, may all YOUR dreams come to fruition!

My personality DNA

Advocating Inventor

Oh, yay! I finally figured out how to load this... I didn't find this to be very accurate about me in a lot of ways... It says I get energised by social interaction (i.e. I'm an extrovert), which isn't true at all... It also says something about me not judging readily, and while I would love that to be true, I know it's not... But somethings are true, so go figure...

Sleeping boys, and tagged again...

My bigger boys had a loooooong sleep today after all the excitement yesterday... Erik just woke up now (2.50pm) after going to bed at midday... Luey is still asleep. Bryn slept till about 2pm, but two hours isn't unusual for any of them in recent months... I love it when they have a long sleep the day after lots of people have been over, or we've been out on a big excursion, because I'm usually whacked out too. It shouldn't suprise me really. Both Dave and I are introverts, and I guess the boys must be too, interacting with other people takes it out of us all...

Ok, I'm considering myself tagged after reading Jayne's blog... Didn't realise this tagging was going on, so didn't feel left out, but glad Jayne put out a general tag, so I didn't have to go check every blog to see if someone else had by chance tagged me, hahaha...

Here are are the rules to play:
List 5 weird things about yourself or your pets.
Tag 5 friends and list them.
Those people then need to write on their blogs about 5 weird things, and state the rules, and tag 5 more people.
Don’t forget to let the people you tagged know by posting a comment on their blog!

1. Despite have about 20% of my brain missing, I can walk, talk, and basically function at a relatively intelligent level - something I'm recently even more amazed and endlessly grateful for...

2. I've had 39 legal addresses, and I'm 34 years old...

3. I've had three legal names in two countries, and only one of them was MY choice...

4. I think on 4 distinct "channels" at any one time (have four destinct concurrent trains of thought going at any moment) and even in deep meditation cannot still my mind, it is a physical impossibility for me...

5. I'm an uncanny jreader of people, what motivates them, how they're likely to act and think in any situation, my first impression of a person is basically never wrong. And yet, I'm not good with people, I very rarely think like other people or view the world even in a similar way to other people, I tend to be socially out of step.

It's here!!!

The dining suite has arrived!

I'm soooo happy! It looks great in the space!



AND when we had a closer look, we discovered it's a Diamond Creek Furniture Collection table - the same furniture makers who made our much loved Kitchen table (which is now Dave's study table)... That means it's solid as a rock! Couldn't be happier! We had originally ordered dark blue seats, but they were out of that fabric, so we've got a kind of mushroom brown seat colour instead, but that's cool because eventually we're hoping to get a dark brown leather lounge...



It's funny, I feel so grown up now, hahahaha!

Flashdance!!!

Ok, I think I've been watching far too many dance movies of late (I'm collecting them), all that Dirty Dancing, Flashdancing, Centre Staging, and Footloosing is starting to effect my clothing choices for the Buddha boy...

Well, he may not thank me for this in years to come, but AREN'T these the coolest baby things; one of my Jamtots covers (I now have six; mottled blue-green, mottled red-orange, blue with rainbow applique, dalmation print, tiger print, and leopard print)... The leggings are from HUGGALUGS, bought them at the Baby Expo this last weekend, proceeds from these go to a camp for children suffering with cander (in Canada, mind you, not Australia, but still)... You can check them out here http://www.huggalugs.com.au/ ...

Whoa! Baby!!!

What's going on? Every single blog on my blogroll (nearly typed bogroll, hahaha) is updated - has there been a blogging frenzy, or is blogroll finally getting it's act together???

In other news, my new dining table is arriving tomorrow!!! I'm so excited, whoo hoo! Dave and I have to move furniture tonight...

Speaking of Dave... He's in the dog house atm, for allowing the boys to watch and M rated Batman movie one day when I was out, AND encouraging them not to tell me... The end result was, of course they told me, but they chose to do so when I had a visitor, in one4 fell swoop showing that I don't have a clue what goes on with my kids when I'm out, and that Dave doesn't respect my (or the ratings board's) opinion on what my kids are exposed to...

Then I went and made it far worse by telling Dave off in front of the kids, which had the twofold negative effect of making him totally pissed off so that now he won't even acknowledge me if I bring it up (forget about apologising to me, grrr!), and it had Erik APOLOGISING to his dad for getting him into trouble - thereby making me the bad person...

Bloody Hell! I want to chuck every dvd in the house in the bin (ok, not MY dvds, just Dave's and the boys, hahaha)... But I won't be doing that...

Instead I'm getting the boys either scooters or skateboards, LOL, because Dave has always said they can't have them because he feels they'll a) be a danger (broken bones) and b) encourage the boys to become like those skateboarding louts out in public... Hey, if he isn't going to respect my opinion on M rated dvds, he can forget about me going along with the no skateboards rule...

ARGH! Popcorn!

Took ourselves off to the Baby Expo today. Braved it with the kids, gotto say it's MUCH easier to go without them... I think they had a grand old time; they got balloons and hot chips, lollipops and yogurt, a turn on a giant enclosed trampoline and apple juice... They were pretty well behaved overall, but they definitely needed a stern talking to on a couple of occassions... But mostly it was all good, right till the last 10 minutes... Then Luey spotted these wooden bikes that were retailing for an astronomical, and rather ridiculous $309, and he wanted one, and no matter what I said to try and explain I just didn't have that sort of money, he didn't want to know, and then he started screaming, and I mean SCREAMING!!! I carried him SCREAMING out of the main expo area, and as far as I could down the foyer (which wasn't terribly far, because I had Bryn in the ergo on my back)... I put him down, but he refused to walk, I started to walk away but he wouldn't come and strangers were starting to gather around the "lost" boy, so I had to quickly go and reassure everyone before they whisked him off somewhere... So, then I take his hand and start leading him away, and he starts pulling away and SCREAMING, "Ow, ow, that HURTS" (I LOOSELY had my hand around his wrist), and someone stopped me to ask if he was lost and looking for his mum, in other words, "Are YOU trying to abduct this boy?"... Thankfully, right at that moment he pitched in with a screaming, "But MUUUUUM! I WANT IT, GET IT FOR ME, BUY IT!!! PLEASE!!!!!"

Oh boy, he screamed on the tram, wanted to run of down the tram so I had to hold him on my lap, wriggling and writhing and screaming blue murder... Eventually, he started to slow down, and I hugged him and he sobbed and then was fine, and about 1/2hour later started to fall asleep...

This isn't normal Luey behaviour, normal for Erik until he was nearly five, yes, but not Luey. That said, this has happened about 4 times now (screaming tyrade type behaviour), and each time was about 2-3 hours after consuming popcorn covered in that yellow fake butter stuff. WHAT is in that? I mean WHAT is he reacting too??? It's scary, I tell you!

Well, other than the trip home, the rest of the afternoon was cool!

I picked up a couple of nice things there too...

These leg warmers for babies (yes, that is leg warmers you're reading, hahaha)...




and these ten books for $5o - that's $5 a book, you just CAN'T argue with that!!! Couple of GREAT books in there too, one by Mem Fox and The Witches Children, which I've heard is great...

All the big changes...

Thought I'd post these here today... The first photo was taken of me in November of 2004, when I weighed 106kg (had just lost 6kg!)... The second one was taken of me this morning weighing in at 75.3kg... That is the amount of weight I've lost in the past year... I don't actually have a photo of me from a year ago because I had wised up after seeing the pics taken the previous November, hahaha! But basically, after have Bryn I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 106lg within about a month... I've still got another 10kg or so to go (8kg to be within my healthy weight range for my height and gender), but I'm sooo so happy with my progress this year, I just had to share (because I know most of you don't read my weightloss blog, hahaha)...

In other news. I had my first therapy session yesterday, and I've happened upon a therapist who is as perplexed about why our society would employ controlled crying andsleep centres as I am, yay!!! She seems really nice, so I'll be seeing her fortnightly. She hit on one point that might be a big part of my anger already yesterday, and so I feel like she might well be the right person to help me investigate this, yay!

Then on the way home I popped into a nice alternative looking shop and found myself a beautiful labradorite ring! Yay!!! So, yesterday was a good day :)...

What Global Warming?

I want to send a tshirt to John Howard (and a matching one to George Bush) with the above slogan in it - something for them to wear on 36+ degree in OCTOBER in MELBOURNE!!! Oh come on, this can't be NORMAL???

The boys and I have spent the day indoors. Erik thought he wanted to play outside until he got out there for 10 minutes, that's the last I heard of that, hahahaha!

I LOVE our airconditioning. I don't think I could ever live in a house without it again...

Likewise I LOVE my treadmill because once i got the boys down for their lunchtime nap (all three of them), I turned on the AC and then went for a 5.66km walk/run... Just couldn't have done that without AC or the treadmill, yay!

The boys are pretty stoked because Dave just rang and suggested a fruit platter and yogurt for dinner! I'm not arguing, wasn't looking forward to baking fish and steaming vegies anyway (our kitchen gets the Western sun in the afternoon, wouldn't you know)...

This was Dave's phone conversation with Luey a few minutes ago...

Luey: Dad, what are we having in dinner tonight?
Dave: Watermelon...
Luey: My FAVOURITE!
Dave: Grapes...
Luey: My favourite AGAIN!
Dave: Bananas...
Luey: My favourite AGAIN!!!!! and oranges?
Dave; Yes and oranges, and yogurt...
Luey: (yelling now) Erik, we're having YOGURT for dinner!!! (drops the phone and runs off excitedly)...

So, yeah, thank the gods these boys don't wear nappies anymore!!! Wouldn't want to be changing those nappies tomorrow eeeeeew-eeeeee!!!

Right now the boys are just hoping it's going to be a stinker all summer long and we can adopt this lacto-fruitarian diet permanently, hahahaha!

Today's appointment

Ok, I think all of you have read this elsewhere, this blog is mostly for the benefit of my family that might be reading here :)...

Checked out the boys' new school today. First off, they both loved it and are keen to go! Erik wants to start right away this term, but we've explained that he'll be going to weekly transition sessions on Thursdays throughout November and then the Principal suggested he do two half days and a full day in the class he'll go into next year, so he has a chance to get to know the kids...

Luey will do the transition sessions with Erik, they're mostly for Luey anyway, as he'll be going into preps.

The school seemed very relaxed, and informal, though with classrooms etc. but there were kids wandering between classrooms, and school buildings doing stuff the whole time we were there. Within each classroom there were different activities as well, so in one classroom they were learning about the concept of "half" in time, reading the clock, and a bunch of kids were on the floor with the teacher looking at a clock face, while a couple of kids were at a table folding circles in half, and another boys was sorting through some cards (Luey jumped right in to help him)...

The kids are allowed to graze from their lunchboxes throughout the day, and have bottles of water at their desk. It was interesting that each classroom had several computer terminals, and apparently the teacher and the kids use these to research information for their topics and classes...

Each child has a folio of their work that all the teachers from the school, including the librarian and PE teacher help contribute to.

The older classes put together shows and performance that they take to kinders and perform for other kids (Erik's going to LOVE that)... Also older classes "buddy" younger classes, so a whole older class is responsible for helping and caring for a whole younger class and working with thing on school festivals etc.

I don't really know what other school are like, but this one seems ok. I didn't hope for a "school" experience for my boys, but if they have to have one, then this isn't a bad school for them to experience, i think :)...

Diabetes T2 on 60 Minutes...

Hmmmm, ok they kept referring to type II diabetes in children as being "an epidemic"... What's with calling everything that suddenly increases in numbers in the population "an epidemic" even when it isn't strictly contagious???

Ok, so yep, children these days are suddenly developing a type of diabetes that used to be referred to as "adult onset" or "mature age" diabetes, where the risk factors were; being over 40, being a smoker, being pregnant, or being overweight... And children are developing T2 because they are more and more overweight, apparently one in six children is overweight or obese (I was surprise to hear the number was so low, tbh)...

But then they start taking to a parent of a child with diabetes, and she says her child led a "normal
childhood, ate lollies, went to parties, watched tv blah, blah, blah, and developed T2... This mum has diabetes herselr, the classic insulin dependant child onset variety... So, she has another child who is at risk of diabetes and who she says she is trying to prevent this happening to... The 60 Minutes journalist points out the child had Coco Pops for breakfast, despite the mum claiming to be making sure the daughter is eating healthily... The mum's reply went something like, "Well, you can't take everything away, it leaves them no choices..."

See that kind of screwy logic just pisses me off... What choice does the child have when she is dealing with the side effects of T2, and they are many and horible side effects...

What is with people... Yes, I understand people don't want to take all the fun out of their kids lives, and they want their children to have a choice so they don't rebel, but seriously, when your child is "at risk", isn't it time to be responsible on their behalf...

I recently read about an 8 year old child with a bowel disorder who required a healthy diet and medication to prevent severe constipation. This child didn't like healthy food, and while the mother encouraged the child to eat healthily the child pick at their food. Meanwhile the father indulged the child in fast food, which the mother seemed incapable of preventing this...

As well as this the child didn't like the taste of the medicine, so the paents didn't want to force the child to take it...

The result, constipation so severe the child vomited faeces... Hmmmm, I wonder which tasted worse, the medicine or the shit???

When a child has a need, the need to be protected from substances harmful to them, isn't it the parents responsibility to meet that need. If our children LIKED concaine, would we give them cocaine if they begged and pleaded for it... To some children junk food is cocaine and has the same deadly effect on them as cocaine would...

Ok, off my soapbox now...

Busy Day, lots done...

Got off to a slow start today but did a fair bit once I got going...

Moved my alter from the foot of my bed to the left hand side of (what used to be Dave's side of the bed)... Then moved the change table from the lounge room to the foot of my bed. Also went through my wardrobe and pulled out all the size 18, size 20, and size 22 clothing and packet it in big bags to give to the Salves.

Moved Bryn's shelf and toys from the corner opposite the tv (in the lounge room) to where the change table used to be - this frees up that corner where Bryn's toys were for the treadmill that is arriving on Monday...

I've still got to contact the Salvos about coming to take away the stuff I listed there other day...

Dave and I figured out today that in the two years since moving here (today actually) we've acquired the following large furniture items...

• Large lockable cupboard for the boys room, for storing their reference books, puzzles, games etc. (that we don't want wrecked!)
• Large Ikea bookcase for the boys room
• Fold out single futon chair bed
• Computer stand/desk
• CD cabinet
• Changetable
• Tv Cabinet
• Ikea Armchair
• Fridge
• Dryer
• 8 seater dining table and chairs set (not arrived yet)...

Is there any wonder we need to get rid of so much stuff? This house isn't particularly big, after all!

I'm trying to distract myself from the fact that on Monday we're all off to see the Principal of the boys' new school. Erik was saying today that he is really looking forward to it, he was asking if he could have a lot at the school on his own while we talked to the Principal, LOL, already trying to get rid of us, hahahaha!

Luey isn't as keen, but hopefully on Monday he'll see the positives...

A little ray of hope...

Ok, started applying the stronger tar ointment last night, and the cortisone cream this morning, and tonight I'd guesstimate that Erik's psoriasis is about 20% better today than it was yesterday! Oh, I really, really hope I'm not being overly optimistic! His scalp is still pretty bad, but we're not treating it the same way as the rest of his skin...

We had a "not nice" experience on the bus today with a couple of old biddies commenting out loud (I'm sure they thought they were whispering, but then they must be half deaf!) that Erik looked like he had, what they assumed was, chickenpox... They then wonderfed out loud why on earth I'd take a child with chickenpox out of the house, and expose the general populous to his contagen... Grrrr, I couldn't help myself and corrected their assumption and told them pointedly that he had psoriasis and he was very self-conscious about it! Gawd, he was sitting about a metre in front of them, and I could tell he understood they were talking about him and his skin, poor kid...

The boys were marvellous at the playcentre today. So well behaved, didn't once have to redirect them or anything, they both sat to eat their lunch, and their paddlepop afterwards, without protest! It was GREAT, I was so pleasantly surprised!!!

Lists and coping mechanisms

Ok, I'm not really one to wallow, so when I'm feeling down I tend to start looking around for ways to make things better, make myself feel better...

I write lists - so here are a couple...

Things I want to get rid off (donate to charity)

1. Rocking Chair
2. Ikea blue chair
3. Winnie-the-Pooh pram
4. Blue footstool
5. Round kitchen table and chairs
6. Ikea fold out futon bed (I'm really po'd that this thing started to fall apart so quickly, what a waste of money, grrrrr)
7. My fat clothes (not at all pissed to be getting rid of these!!!)
8. Various mismatched crockery and cutlery from the kitchen

Other items i want to sort through and cull...

1. Boys toys (this isn't really a big job, they don't really have a lot of toys that are broken or outgrown, but they do have a lot of stuffed animals, especially Bryn)...
2. Sort through Bryn's clothes and pack up his baby clothes (not ready to get rid of them yet)...
3. Sort out of filing cabinet, and make much better use of it.
4. Get dave to sell his A3 scanner (he NEVER did use it and he bought it nearly 8 years ago, grrrr).
5. Get the couch dry cleaned.

I'm sure there is more, but I can't remember now... This is a good start...

Dave just called...

Ok, the dermatologist was surprised at how little effect the treatment he'd given us had had... He's still sure it's viral, not stress induced psoriasis (which is a relief to me)... He's prescribed a stronger ointment and more of it... Erik has another appointment in a month. Meanwhile the Dr is going to consult a Paed. psoriasis specialist colleague of his about Erik having UV treatment. He's concerned about exposing Erik to so much UV at such a young age - the youngest he's done this treatment on to date was a 10 year old...

Dave asked point blank if we'd ever get rid of the psoriasis and the Dr said we definitely would - we're clinging to that hope...

Dave just called...

Ok, the dermatologist was surprised at how little effect the treatment he'd given us had had... He's still sure it's viral, not stress induced psoriasis (which is a relief to me)... He's prescribed a stronger ointment and more of it... Erik has another appointment in a month. Meanwhile the Dr is going to consult a Paed. psoriasis specialist colleague of his about Erik having UV treatment. He's concerned about exposing Erik to so much UV at such a young age - the youngest he's done this treatment on to date was a 10 year old...

Dave asked point blank if we'd ever get rid of the psoriasis and the Dr said we definitely would - we're clinging to that hope...

He's not corny, he's my bubba...

These are from Bryn eating his corn from dinner last night (we had fish, carrot asparagus and corn on the cob - the only thing he didn't eat was the asparagus because I thought it was a bit to stringy for him, but he LOVES corn)... See the cheeky bugger threatening to drop the cob off the high chair? That first pic of him giggling is in fact his reaction to me saying, "Oh no you don't!" He thought it was hilarious and kept teasing me with the cob, LOL, cheeky bugger!

Anyway, I put these pics up today to give myself a little something to smile about... I've felt myself slowly sinking into a bog of depression in the past few days. I'm feeling at such a loss about so much in my life atm. It's been a while since I felt like this last.

I also took some photos of the big boys yesterday and realised just how bad Erik's psoriasis has gotten... I won't put up pics here of it because he doesn't want people to see, but I feel so bad for him, and the therapy the dermatologist gave us last time just didn't work - it did minimise the dryness, but far more spots have popped up in the weeks following (as we continue treatment). He's off to the dermatologist again in the next 1/2 hour, I'm really hoping something much more effective can be done.

The house is really getting to me. I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to get a big skip and chuck, chuck, chuck... Having a clean and tidy house makes me feel so much better, but atm I'm feeling very depressed and overwhelmed and unable to do anything even when the kids are in bed - I just zombie out.

I lost my temper again yesterday and smacked Luey on the bottom, and also threw two of their plastic toy crates again the wall; cracking and breaking them... Why, because they were squabbling and squabbling, and I couldn't get them to stop. They were squabbling because they were stuck in the house. They were stuck in the house because if I let them out into the yard they leave the yard, and then I have to go out and get them back in, as well as having to go out every few minutes to check on them. I should just do that, but I'm so overwhelmed, I don't want to have to think about it, so I keep them inside and they squabble and I lose my temper...

I feel so overwhelmed.

It's like a dam that has sprung a leak, and now the leak is spreading and threatening to burst the dam...

And you know what I don't want to hear right now... I don't want to hear people saying they had their doubts about homeschooling, or me homeschooling, or my well being or the boys well being... I don't want to hear people saying that this is the best thing for us and they're so happy I've come to these realisations now... It's like being told, "You were wrong but I didn't know how to make you see you were wrong. I'm so happy you can see that yourself now"...

I still believe homeschooling is better than school. I just believe I don't have the resources atm to do it. I haven't changed my mind about the "wrongness" of school. I still believe school is mostly a baby sitting service for a society that doesn't support parents in parenting. That parents are duped into believing it's "the best thing" for their families. I still believe it's a warped approach to "socialising" children, and the the social lesson a better learned in a far less synthetic climate.

Unfortunately, Dave and I don't have the support we need at the moment to give our children what I believe would be the best for them. We're not giving them the best for them, and I don't believe school is the best for them either, I just believe that at this point in time it is better for everyone than the status quo, which is toxic.

I feel an analogy coming... It's like being on a sea of acid... Ideally, if you have to sail on a sea of acid,you want to sail in a nice sturdy boat that is acid proof... If one isn't available, then you want to be any kind of vessel that is "acid resistant", it might not be acid proof, but it's better than trying to swim in the acid itself... I just realise that our vessel is not even acid resistant, so I'm getting my kids into an acid resistant vessel, even though I know that eventually they will get some acid burns because the vessel isn't acid proof... I'm just trying to minimise the burns by getting them out of the acid sea...

You don't have to agree with my pov, but please understand I still think homeschooling is the best option, just not while things in our house are as bad as they are right now... Don't heave a sigh of relief and think I've seen "the light" about the benefits of school over homeschooling...

He's been asleep for three hours...

Two more pics

Catching up on some pics...

Ok, time to put up some more pics, these are a few days old... I allowed my camera to be kidnapped a bit the other day and came home with nearly 200 photos so I've put off downloading them and sorting through them and playing with the photos, LOL... Many of these were taken at a play group meet up... The golden toned ones of Bryn were taken at home without a flash just after his bath (when his hair is just beautiful!), they're ever so slightly fuzzy because of the shutter speed, but it gives them a lovely soft focus look, so soft! Finally, at the
photos of the tie dyed top, at the bottom are of a top Leah dyed for Bryn, with a great little wizard on it, very cool!

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...

Ok, I've just organised an appointment to see RM primary school in a weeks time (with family in tow)... The principal knows I have a 7 year old who has been homeschooled, that I'm interested in enrolling as well as a possible prep enrolment - if Luey likes what he sees...

And, I just left a message with the other counsellor who's name and number I was given of Friday, to try and arrange some counselling...

These feel like such HUMUNGOUS steps, I can hardly believe I'm doing this! I have to believe this is for the betterment of all our lives, so we can be the happy, harmonious family I so badly want up to be!

I realise a lot of you have NO idea what I'm talking about, that from where you're sitting we seem fine, LOL... In a way I'm relieved you think that... Living in our house for a week would probably shock most of you. The yelling, the threatening, and then there are my temper tantrums. It's not quite like a story from ACa, but wow, it doesn't have to be that bad for it to be an appalling environment for kids to grow up in.

It not Dave and I fighting with each other - we don't really do that. We snipe and bitch more than anything... It's us constantly at the kids. It's just not right, and I know it's stress, but that's not an excuse, it's a symptom, and symptoms mean action HAS to be taken... My kids deserve so much more than this, and we've let it slide far to long...

So, it feels good to have taken the first steps. We have to support each other now, so the method of healing doesn't create it's own wounds.

My little Cousin :)

Stole this from my uncle Joi's site :)...

This is my Cousin Johann Ingi, pulling a face just like our uncle Joi - isn't he a cutie?! Such big eyes! Anyway, made me smile!

Realising stuff...

I'm starting to realise a few things - they may seem like "duh" things to all of you out there in cyberland, but to me they're kind of just sinking in...

As Dr Phil says, do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?

I've been measuring myself up against other parents, in a bad way... That is, I've been trying to tell myself, if X with 5 or 7 kids and no car and no external support can be a homeschooling parent, then I sure as hell can! This isn't true. Same as with any parenting practice really... I say, if Y can cloth nappy all those kids without a dryer, then I should be able to to... Again, not true... If Z can have a homebirth with kids in the room, then I should be able to as well...

Why do I beleive these things? Why is it I will ignore the blantantly obvious (my own unhappiness, the children's unhappiness, Dave's unhappiness) just because I feel I "should" be able to do what someone else is doing, based on the variables I can "see"...

Let's not steal the "other person's" thunder here, let's say another parent, who's dh works more than my dh (so she has less daily help at home), who has more kids than me, who also doesn't drive, who seems to be a great, empathetic, cheerful, COPING parent, and who is homeschooling, REALLY is all that she seems to be, isn't that great?! So why do I feel like I HAVE to be all of that too? Why do I feel like if that person can do it, I should have no excuse because my dh is home more than half the week, and I have fewer kids - even though my own anecdotal evidence is screaming that I actually AM NOT coping that well, and my relationships at home are suffering because of it?

Makes no sense.

I'm trying so hard to be "right" that I'm forgoing everyone's happiness, including my own...

Which only leads straight back to my life lesson - that I must learn to LET GO! I must not cling to an ideal that isn't even working out to be particulary idyllic.

Less is sometimes more.

Sorry for the ramble guys, I'm just sorting stuff out in my head. Trying to get real about a few things... I totally admire people who can do things I want to be able to do and can do them well. What I have to come to erms with is that if I'm not doing them as well as the people I admire, I need to be realistic and see if my continuing to try and do tham on other people's terms sin't actually costing my family more than I'm hoping it will gain us...

For example. my ideal is to homeschool all my kids, be a wonderful loving, caring, fun mum and supportive partner of my dh. In the past couple of years I've been doing the first of those three things, but slipping badly on the second and faltering a bit on the third (by slipping badly on the second because he is left to pick up the slack and it's more than he can handle - which he has been very honest and upfront about each time I've pitched for another child, can't fault him there)... So, taking on more than I can obviously chew and chewing like hell has basically seen me end up with a hefty case of lock jaw...

Ok, so what if I don't homeschool, but I do go get some counselling to deal with my rage and I do work on being a better mother, more compassionate, more loving, more fun... The kids will likely encounter lots of things at school that will upset them. Are those things worse than the things that are upsetting them at home? Well, I don't know that yet, of course... what I do know is, that I want my kids to feel safe and loved at home and I'm not sure they do - I'm not sure Erik does, well not as much as I'd want him to.

I don't have the support I need to do the things I want to do. I don't have an extended family, I don't have the means to get out with the kids, without it being more work than fun. To be very honest, I don't hve the internal resources to do it either - I'm basically a very wounded person still, I'm sooooo much better than I was a few years ago, I know that, but really I haven't scratched the surface of the stuff I need to heal from. On these limited resources I'm trying to be someone who can give and give and give.

Dave is very good to me, he gives me a lot, both in practical and emotional support, but he has his own issues as well, so he gets drained too.

So, basically I'm trying to sail a very holey boat, keeping five people afloat and relaxed and enjoying themselves while screaming at everyone to bail water as fast as they can, and refusing to allow the other boats passing us by and offering to take some of our load to help out...