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He's not corny, he's my bubba...





These are from Bryn eating his corn from dinner last night (we had fish, carrot asparagus and corn on the cob - the only thing he didn't eat was the asparagus because I thought it was a bit to stringy for him, but he LOVES corn)... See the cheeky bugger threatening to drop the cob off the high chair? That first pic of him giggling is in fact his reaction to me saying, "Oh no you don't!" He thought it was hilarious and kept teasing me with the cob, LOL, cheeky bugger!

Anyway, I put these pics up today to give myself a little something to smile about... I've felt myself slowly sinking into a bog of depression in the past few days. I'm feeling at such a loss about so much in my life atm. It's been a while since I felt like this last.

I also took some photos of the big boys yesterday and realised just how bad Erik's psoriasis has gotten... I won't put up pics here of it because he doesn't want people to see, but I feel so bad for him, and the therapy the dermatologist gave us last time just didn't work - it did minimise the dryness, but far more spots have popped up in the weeks following (as we continue treatment). He's off to the dermatologist again in the next 1/2 hour, I'm really hoping something much more effective can be done.

The house is really getting to me. I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to get a big skip and chuck, chuck, chuck... Having a clean and tidy house makes me feel so much better, but atm I'm feeling very depressed and overwhelmed and unable to do anything even when the kids are in bed - I just zombie out.

I lost my temper again yesterday and smacked Luey on the bottom, and also threw two of their plastic toy crates again the wall; cracking and breaking them... Why, because they were squabbling and squabbling, and I couldn't get them to stop. They were squabbling because they were stuck in the house. They were stuck in the house because if I let them out into the yard they leave the yard, and then I have to go out and get them back in, as well as having to go out every few minutes to check on them. I should just do that, but I'm so overwhelmed, I don't want to have to think about it, so I keep them inside and they squabble and I lose my temper...

I feel so overwhelmed.

It's like a dam that has sprung a leak, and now the leak is spreading and threatening to burst the dam...

And you know what I don't want to hear right now... I don't want to hear people saying they had their doubts about homeschooling, or me homeschooling, or my well being or the boys well being... I don't want to hear people saying that this is the best thing for us and they're so happy I've come to these realisations now... It's like being told, "You were wrong but I didn't know how to make you see you were wrong. I'm so happy you can see that yourself now"...

I still believe homeschooling is better than school. I just believe I don't have the resources atm to do it. I haven't changed my mind about the "wrongness" of school. I still believe school is mostly a baby sitting service for a society that doesn't support parents in parenting. That parents are duped into believing it's "the best thing" for their families. I still believe it's a warped approach to "socialising" children, and the the social lesson a better learned in a far less synthetic climate.

Unfortunately, Dave and I don't have the support we need at the moment to give our children what I believe would be the best for them. We're not giving them the best for them, and I don't believe school is the best for them either, I just believe that at this point in time it is better for everyone than the status quo, which is toxic.

I feel an analogy coming... It's like being on a sea of acid... Ideally, if you have to sail on a sea of acid,you want to sail in a nice sturdy boat that is acid proof... If one isn't available, then you want to be any kind of vessel that is "acid resistant", it might not be acid proof, but it's better than trying to swim in the acid itself... I just realise that our vessel is not even acid resistant, so I'm getting my kids into an acid resistant vessel, even though I know that eventually they will get some acid burns because the vessel isn't acid proof... I'm just trying to minimise the burns by getting them out of the acid sea...

You don't have to agree with my pov, but please understand I still think homeschooling is the best option, just not while things in our house are as bad as they are right now... Don't heave a sigh of relief and think I've seen "the light" about the benefits of school over homeschooling...

Comments

HipbubbyMama said…
hey Sif, I hope you dont think I think you've "seen the light" about homeschooling? I may have implied that, but only meant that while homeschooling is ideal for many people (not for me, but I I think there's no one right way for everyone :) ) it's just soooo hard in this society, parenting in a nuclear rather than extended family or tribal situation, sadly. So if I implied anything like that, I didnt mean to! (Just in case you are talking about me, because I always think everything's about me hahaha!)
Sif said…
Ah, dear, LOL, I kind of knew this would happen, sorry... I was just "putting it out there" for anyone who might think I'd seen the light - I have interpreted comments here and there as people thinking, oh yeah, she's finally seeing the light, but with you I'd feel safe enough to say - oh hang on a sec, that's not what I'm saying...

I totally agree, our society makes homeschooling a huge challenge, and i think it's still possible to homeschool very succesfully, and i stil believe it's the best thing. I however, at this point in time, just can't handle the challenge without it affecting MY children negatively in other ways.

I'm so sad about that, I can't even type this without tearing up, but I know I have to deal with other stuff and get better resourced before I can offer my children the homeschooling experience that I believe would benefit them - what they're experiencing now is not what I believe homeschooling can and should be...
Bin Mitch's Mum said…
(((((hugs))))) Sif... Haven't been online much lately, but catching up today, and just not sure what else to say... I have no idea how hard this must be for you to admit that you're finding it all so hard and you need help... And I can understand why you would think that others think you have now "seen the light" and I am sure there are some that do... At the end of the day we can only make decisions as to what we think will end up being the best thing, but there is never any way we can no for sure at any point. I guess at some point we just have to let go and trust we've done enough...

Oh, I don't know if that makes any sense... Just take care and try not to be too hard on yourself as you deal with all this.
Sif said…
Yep, you're making perfect sense to me...

Letting go, that's my theme, letting go and trusting...
Cabrissi said…
Adding to everyone's virtual hugs here! I SO hear you on the overwhelmed bit, especially wrt the needing the house to be clean, feeling like everything is overwhelming and spiraling out of control.... the whole sinking bog analogy, just dead on! Have been freecycling stuff left and right lately because of that! I ended up going to the crystal shop I've mentioned to you a few times to get a pendant for L's birthday for him. We ended up, all three of us, choosing labradorite though not really knowing why. (Well Nic and I didn't, maybe L did as he's so in tune.) I swear it was what all of us needed, I ended up feeling like I had new eyes for everything, could see my spiritual path again and just felt really grounded and centered. So maybe that would be of some help to you? I can send you details of what it does if you don't have it in one of your books already. If you ever get to a point where the boys are driving you loopy and you need an extra hand or ear, ring my mobile or buzz me on msn or something, I'd be happy to come lend a hand or ear or extra pair of eyes. Stars knows L has been putting me to that point a few times lately. Genuine offer, no expiry date.

X-ing fingers dermatologist gets to the bottom of Eric's psoriasis, that can be a real bugger to deal with from what I've heard.

I hope whomever is giving you attitude over the whole homeschooling/unschooling/going to a school/child led bit lets off, regardless of what they think it's not a helpful attitude. Like Jayne I also hope it's nothing I've said to make you feel like that and appologize if I have.
Sif said…
Send me what you have on labradorite and I'll also have a look here... I'm pretty sure I have some in my collection, might see if it fits in my pendant...

I was saying to Narelle that I think I've hit the valley of reacting to the whole homeschooling/schooling thing (and all the by product of realising I'm just NOT coping here) and now I have to work my way through this and climb out the other end... Any support I can get physically and metaphysically can't be bad!

I think we should definitely organise to get together at some point, just to get a sane adult conversation in there somewhere...
Cabrissi said…
Well I dunno about sane, I've never been... but adult conversation I can do! ;) I'll zip off the info on labradorite by PM so I don't hog the whole comments space! lol No way around it, no way under it, no way over it, just gotta get through it... BTDT, lighting a white candle for energy to guide you along your way.

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