Skip to main content

Coming clean...

I've been avoiding posting this for the past couple of days... I've known I had to post it and put it out there to keep myself honest and accountable, but it's not something I've been looking forward to revealing...

I went to my third counselling session this week and we finally started to get down to some of the real issues, a big one being my relationship with Erik. On the periphery it involves Dave too, but as these sessions are for me and about me, the truths are also mainly about me...

So, we got to talking about my anger issues, and how Erik seems to trigger my anger so much more than Luey or Bryn, even though I know it's not him I'm angry at... One thing that came out was that Erik *knows* that some behaviour get me soooo mad, and yet he persists in doing them, and I know he has real impulse issues, I recognise them from my own childhood, but I also know he really doesn't *think* about the consequences of his choices until he is experiencing those consequences...

B (my counsellor) has been listening to my describing my relationhsip with Erik for three weeks now and said that from what I'd told her it definitely sounds like Erik has attachment issues. At first I thought she meant he was too attached and didn't have enough sense of self seperate from me, which is what a kinesiologist had told me about three or four years ago, but this was not what she was saying.

She explained that it sounded like Erik's most prominent attachment anchors were based in experiences of me being tense or angry around him. That while he doesn't ENJPY this it's a status quo that he is comfortable with in that he knows how it plays out and it's predictable. Whereas if I'm relatively calm or relaxed or seem to be enjoying myself in his company, he gets uneasy because he doesn't know what to expect next, it's not his recognised "norm" relationship with me. Therefore when things seem calm he is compelled to create disharmony because disharmony is the norm he is used to and he knows how to deal with it - usually this means shutting it out...

The rememdy? Well, to work on introducing more and more moments of harmony into his relationship with me, so that the harmony comes to balance out disharmony or neutrality. This is done by spending one on one time with him, where I'm not torn in several directions and do thinks that focus on how much I appreciate his company and him.

It breaks my heart that I have to have this explained to me, and yes, when she said all this it rang true, it was what I already knew, but hearing it from someone else felt good in a sad way. I know I don't have these issues with Luey and Bryn, I can get frustrated with them, but it's not out of balance or out of control.

She agreed that not cosleeping with Erik and employing CC have impacted negatively on our relationship, but said it was as simple as putting it down to not doing or doing certain parenting practices.

She also said that recognising parts of myself in Erik had a lot to do with my issues with him, mainly because I'm on a quest to perfect myself and he reflects back at me how imperfect I am, and that would cause resent in me. She said I need to let go of the need to make right the wrong from my past and my families past - LOL, when she said that I felt as transparent as so much Glad Wrap, I tell you...

So, there you have... I started learning all about attachment theory even before Erik was born, and yet I still didn't manage to avoid malattachment issues in my own child. But, yk, I have to say, something has gone right along the way because I know I did a lot better by Luey and Bryn, and now I have the help and support I need to give Erik what he didn't get in the early years...

Ok, tired now, off to bed...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

12 Things Happy People Do Differently - a self-reflection...

A few days ago a Facebook friend posted the above poster on her wall. I believe she got these points from this blog which she enjoys reading, and the bloggers on the Marc and Angel Hack Life blog derived their discussion of these points from this book, available on Amazon - you're welcome! I have to admit, I haven't read the blog or the book I've just mentioned but wanted my readers to have access to the sources of the poster for their own reflective purposes.
The New Year will be upon us in but a few days and I thought this a great opportunity to do a little personal assessment on how I'm playing the happy game. I'm often not very happy at all - I don't need to be happy all the time, let me just say that up front - I personally believe that life is a balancing act and those who seek euphoria often will also often feel desolation because in all things there must be balance. The great riches of the few on this planet come at the personal cost of the many as is …

The symbolism of elephants...

Just recently I've been seeing and noticing elephants everywhere!

A few weeks ago I saw the Samsung Elephant Ad, and watching that led me to watching a video with an elephant painting (seriously, you have to watch it to believe it!).

Then last night the boys told me they were having a free dress day at school to raise money for 'Mali the Elephant' - who turned out to be a paper maché statue which the children will paint and then show around the council before it comes back to the school to stand outside the performing arts room.

Then this morning I followed a link from Twitter to Toushka Lee's blog and read this post about an elephant orphanage in Sri Lanka.

This morning the Grumpy Old Man did another driving test and unfortunately didn't pass. We've booked his next test and are looking forward to that now. About ten minutes before he walked in the door I saw this poster on Facebook...


At the time, I didn't know if the Grumpy Old Man had been successful or …

Alone... And Stuff...

Do you ever just need to be alone?



As the boys are growing up, we have more times when the house is quiet. The youngest will be asleep. One will be reading, one will be playing on his computer with headphones on, one will be painting and there is stillness.

Sometimes, even that is not enough.

Sometimes I crave being alone, with no possibility of someone suddenly realising they have to tell me something important or ask me a question or even just crash about in the kitchen.

Sometimes I crave S P A C E, lots and lots of space, being able to walk from room to room without encountering another soul.

This is how I felt when I woke up this morning, so instead of getting ready for work, I decided to stay home. Get up, but not go anywhere, no hear the sound of my own voice, or anyone else's.

I think this might just be part of getting older. After a lifetime of chasing after other people and trying not to be alone, my mind and body is full of thoughts, experiences, feelings, and busy-ness …