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Coming clean...

I've been avoiding posting this for the past couple of days... I've known I had to post it and put it out there to keep myself honest and accountable, but it's not something I've been looking forward to revealing...

I went to my third counselling session this week and we finally started to get down to some of the real issues, a big one being my relationship with Erik. On the periphery it involves Dave too, but as these sessions are for me and about me, the truths are also mainly about me...

So, we got to talking about my anger issues, and how Erik seems to trigger my anger so much more than Luey or Bryn, even though I know it's not him I'm angry at... One thing that came out was that Erik *knows* that some behaviour get me soooo mad, and yet he persists in doing them, and I know he has real impulse issues, I recognise them from my own childhood, but I also know he really doesn't *think* about the consequences of his choices until he is experiencing those consequences...

B (my counsellor) has been listening to my describing my relationhsip with Erik for three weeks now and said that from what I'd told her it definitely sounds like Erik has attachment issues. At first I thought she meant he was too attached and didn't have enough sense of self seperate from me, which is what a kinesiologist had told me about three or four years ago, but this was not what she was saying.

She explained that it sounded like Erik's most prominent attachment anchors were based in experiences of me being tense or angry around him. That while he doesn't ENJPY this it's a status quo that he is comfortable with in that he knows how it plays out and it's predictable. Whereas if I'm relatively calm or relaxed or seem to be enjoying myself in his company, he gets uneasy because he doesn't know what to expect next, it's not his recognised "norm" relationship with me. Therefore when things seem calm he is compelled to create disharmony because disharmony is the norm he is used to and he knows how to deal with it - usually this means shutting it out...

The rememdy? Well, to work on introducing more and more moments of harmony into his relationship with me, so that the harmony comes to balance out disharmony or neutrality. This is done by spending one on one time with him, where I'm not torn in several directions and do thinks that focus on how much I appreciate his company and him.

It breaks my heart that I have to have this explained to me, and yes, when she said all this it rang true, it was what I already knew, but hearing it from someone else felt good in a sad way. I know I don't have these issues with Luey and Bryn, I can get frustrated with them, but it's not out of balance or out of control.

She agreed that not cosleeping with Erik and employing CC have impacted negatively on our relationship, but said it was as simple as putting it down to not doing or doing certain parenting practices.

She also said that recognising parts of myself in Erik had a lot to do with my issues with him, mainly because I'm on a quest to perfect myself and he reflects back at me how imperfect I am, and that would cause resent in me. She said I need to let go of the need to make right the wrong from my past and my families past - LOL, when she said that I felt as transparent as so much Glad Wrap, I tell you...

So, there you have... I started learning all about attachment theory even before Erik was born, and yet I still didn't manage to avoid malattachment issues in my own child. But, yk, I have to say, something has gone right along the way because I know I did a lot better by Luey and Bryn, and now I have the help and support I need to give Erik what he didn't get in the early years...

Ok, tired now, off to bed...

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