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My various neuroses...

We're getting ready for a camping trip with friends next week :)...

I've been generally excited about this trip for a month now, it's my first real holiday with the boys elsewhere than my mum's, and while I love visiting my mum, she doesn't have a swimming pool, or a spa, or a giant jumping pillow, or a beach in her back yard, so this is something new and exciting!

But in recently days, an anxiousness has crept over me... First it was, how will I cope with all the kids and their excitement and restlessness. Luey is bound to completely ignore instructions or requests coming from me, he does in the everyday as it is, and Erik is bound to get hyper excited by all the goings on and not go to sleep at night... There's the whole swimming pool thing, how to watch two not-able-to-swim active, excited, overconfident boys, while also watching Bryn and trying to enjoy myself...

Next came, what will I eat, and how will I not put on 5-10kg while away, when I'm desperately trying to crack into the 60s kg range by Dec. 1st... How will I manage all my food phobias (I can't stomach meats that I can't guarantee are fresh, or foods cooked by other people, that I'm afraid I won't like the taste of and will offend the other people by not wanting to eat)...

Then there was, Oh no, my period is due the day we go away, how am I going to swim and enjoy the spa, argh!

Finally, I realised I'm basically just feeling trapped because I know once we're on our way there, there is no turning back, so if I can't cope, I can't bail, yk?

But further to that, I'm starting to deal with my rage issues, and my relationship with Erik, in particular, but Luey to a lesser extent, and I'm afraid this will all be too much stress and I'll disintergrated into a million enraged little particles and everyone will want nothing more to do with me...

Today at playgroup was very challenging. One of our members is psychologist, and a number of our members had very traumatic childhood's (like my own), and so eventually the conversation turned to how we parent when we're trying to deal with trauma from our own childhood. The question was posed to our Psych friend, "What's the difference between anger and rage, and what's the difference between anger at a child and abuse" and the answer came back and descrived the way I feel and what I've done with Erik, and Luey to a much lesser degree as rage and child abuse...

I KNOW this, it's not news to me, but something about being with other mums that I respect and that I want to like me, and realising I was the only one who could be described this way just peeled back that layer of detachability I've had surrounding this. It all welled up and I couldn't cope. I didn't fall apart there and then, but for nearly 2 hours after leaving playgroup I was on the verge of tears thinking about Erik and his experiences with me to date. he hasn't deserved any of it, neither has Luey, but it's mostly Erik who has copped the brunt of my rages... I felt sick t the point of vomiting.

I like that this stuff is finally surfacing, it means I can deal with it. I'm very uncomfortable with trying to deal with it at playgroup though, it's too much.

I'm going to ask if people don't mind not discussing this stuff at playgroup, because it's just too raw for me, as much as I want to know more and learn more, I need to do it in an environment where I don't feel so exposed.

Comments

Nic and Beren said…
((Hugs))
loz said…
HUGS
katef said…
*hugs Hugs* I think it is so brave and so strong of you to be dealing with even half of this!

I am having the same second thoughts about the trip - wondering if I am going to cope on my own and if my girls will cope and.. and... and. But if I let the ifs and ands get the better of me I'd never go anywhere and then reading your blog just now really inspired me.... so borrow some of your own inspiration for yourself if you to. :)
Rae said…
Oh ((HUGS)) Sif. You really describe things so well. You are the definition of brave! Being scared of feeling something and doing it anyway. :)
Cabrissi said…
Hi Sif, I'd noticed you seemed a bit off at the time but wasn't sure if I was reading the situation correctly. Have felt you needed your space on wrt your therapist... nothing specific you've said but just a general feeling I'd gotten when thinking of asking you about the person your seeing. (Not to see the same one but if they knew another AP friendly female therapist...) We all have our various issues to struggle with and speaking at least for myself, knowing that you struggle with this particular issue does not affect how I view you or if I like you negatively. Not that it's really here or there but wanted you to know anyhow as I know what it's like to struggle with an aspect of yourself you're not proud of that gets the best of you despite your best intentions and efforts. Also know that confronting yourself is hard, hard stuff. Would also like to clarify... when you say you'd prefer not to discuss this stuff at PG, are you refering to crappy childhoods (as we've done in the past? hoping we weren't making you uncomfortable all this time...) or psychological/how we're dealing with our traumas or regarding the rage specifically or ??? (Feel free to e-mail me or whatever if you don't want to post here.)
Sif said…
Thanks guys, I don't feel very brave, but like you Kate, if I let this consume, I wouldn't go and then I think, not only would the boys miss out, but so would I - you're all such lovely people, and I really enjoy all your company :)...

Amanda, what triggered me was the talk of anger vs rage, and anger toward vs abuse of children... I have compartmentalised my childhood, but am peeling away the crusty layers that protect me from feeling the pain I've inflicted on my own children (particularly Erik)... I didn't realise how much I'd softened those layers until yesterday, but it's all very close to the surface, and while I can write about this now and feel very detached from it, yesterday it was right there like an open wound - and I could relly feel how hurt Erik had been in the past by my actions, and while I think feeling those things was very good and useful and a big forward step for me, the *place* wasn't a safe place, yk? It was a public place, and while I feel some people there would understand me breaking down, others would have been terribly confronted and uncomfortable and I wouldn't have wanted to go into the nitty gritty of WHY I was having such a strong reaction to the conversation...

Oh, I'm really happy to pass on my therapist's details to you btw, she is really lovely (well, I feel, everyone connects differently with different people, of course)...
casso said…
Wow Sif, that's a really intense process to go through and I agree, not the safest of places to be experiencing something like that. I think I'd rather be a part of your PG though, sounds like you have cool discussions and challenging conversations!

I honestly think that you are travelling through some very rugged emotional terrain and to extend the metaphor to some shaky gruond, you're only wearing a singlet and shorts out there! :o) Which is at once both really brave and very scary. No doubt the support you get from this blog helps out a lot but I'm so pleased that your counsellor is such a good 'match' for you, it can make the world of difference.

I think (not knowing anything about your past or family life) that recognising what's gone between you and Erik is part of that circular pattern of life and seems to me to be about you forgiving yourself and forgiving your own family (which you don't have to do in real life of course, just mentally in order to move on) and stopping Erik from then making those same steps when he's an adult.

I am honestly quite moved and impressed by a lot of what you write regarding your own observations of yourself and your behaviours and it gives me food for thought for my own screwed up family situation.

Cheers, Cass
Shae said…
((hugs)) Sif.

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