Tuesday, January 02, 2007

And we come crashing back down to Earth again...

Ok, this could just be the blood sugar crash I'm undoubtably experiencing right now (after a fortnight of bingeing on all sorts of crap, not least of all last night)... I wasn't feeling particularly down or melancholy an hour ago even, but right now I'm feeling the distinctly bitter taste of reality slapping me in the face... I'm also sure the darkness outside has something to do with this - being past midnight - it's definitely the time for melancholy musings...

So what's got me feeling glum? Well, of course, it's the big boys, or rather my relationship with them. I've been ignoring it for the past few days, just sweeping the overarching theme of frustration and wanting to run away from my overwhelming sense of responsibility toward them... It's so nice to just let Dave deal with them, let him feel frustrated, embarrassed, powerless, and for me to just focus on the joy of being with relatively unchallenging Bryn, who's fairly sporadic anti-social behaviours I can just put down to him not knowing better, or being "that age where he's learning to manipulate his environment and feeling the frustration of being just a wee tacker"...

You know, I do love my big boys, and I often feel lots of pride and warmth about and toward them. Erik is extremely helpful and responsible at times, and Luey can be so affectionate and funny... It's just that so often I find myself focusing on the things that irretate me. So often, particularly in public (or at home when we have visitors or I'm on the phone) they do things I find absolutely mortifying. My own reactions are even more shameful. How can I possibly expect them to control themselves at 7.5 and 5.5 years when I can't control MYSELF at 35 years of age?

Tonight I'm feeling melancholy because I'm soooooooooooo looking forward to them going to school. I'm looking forward to it because I know they're looking forward to it. The thing is, we're all looking forward to it because we all see it as an escape from the dysfunctional interactions we all participate in at home at the moment. They "bored" and Dave and I are chafing at the bit for time to do our own thing and not have to deal with them being bored or restless.

Instead of doing stuff together and enjoying our time together, these precious last weeks together before the floodgates are opened to the outside world penetrating our home, we're all treating each other with contempt, wishing our time together away.

How awful is that?

I've got to do something to right this imbalance!

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