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TRYING to get a bit organised...

Just wanted to list a few things I really need to pull my finger out on. I've been so slack lately following things up and the day before yesterday we got a notice in the mail saying Telstra will cut off our phone on the 14th if we don't pay the overdue bill. The stupid thing is, we have the money, it's just that I've been leaving it up to Dave to go pay it, and not following up and he can't remember if he paid it or not, he thinks he did but who knows...

I need to take charge of the bills again. I need to take charge of a number of things I've let slide over the years...

Anyway, the list...

  1. Book papsmear which is three years overdue.
  2. Book appt. to get prescription for Erik's epipen.
  3. Contact the school and find out what I need to do about the epipen from their end (who to give it to etc.)
  4. Organise to have Erik's photo up in the canteen as allergic to nuts.
  5. Get conscientious objector form signed for Bryn (print of the forms from the net, take CO form to Dr's for signature (grumble, grumble, have to face the disapproval squad again) and the lodgement for to Centrelink)
  6. Lodge Immunization Allowance form with Centrelink.
  7. Get Erik and Luey's eyes tested before start of school.
  8. Set up system for bills so we don't get any more stupid late notices.
  9. Make another big payment on the credit card.
  10. Label the boys' clothing for school.
  11. Get Erik's lunchbox from Laura.
  12. Try to find a suitable container for freezing yogurt in that fits into the boys' lunchboxes.
There is probably a lot more but I can't remember right now...

I'm really looking forward to getting the boys to school. They're very excited to go and it lends the promise of having time to "organise" myself, this house, our lives...

Watching Dr Phil yesterday, he had an episode about "Controlling Perfectionists" that left me feeling a bit cold. He was saying that usually people who need everything "just so" have chaotic inner working that would frighten the bejeezus out of the ordinary person because the outward control focus is a way for these people to effect a modicum of calm on the chaos inside. This rings so true for me. When I'm stressed and strung out I have this overwhelming desire to clean, order, and organise. When I see organised spaces I feel calmer, more in control.

I think this also is reflected in my stress sorrounding parenting. Children are ultimately chaotic, and part of me loves that. Sometimes my happiest moments are in the chaos of all three boys playing around me but, in public especially, that same chaos is the trigger for me morphing into "Monstermum". Analytically, I can look at that and say that's because I don't want people to see my inner chaos reflected in my children's "anti-social" behaviour. There behaviour is then perceived by me, first and foremost, but also by some others as a reflection of my inner ability to contain myself.

This is really where my ADD comes into play. Many people might look at me and my life and say it doesn't show that many symptoms of ADD. This is partly because, through how I was parented, no allowances were made for my "scatterbrain" ness, and I learned through aversion therapy to at least keep up an appearance of control... Now, often I don't manage that well, but what I do manage well is spin doctoring mishaps...

Dave helps me a lot. He's VERY aware of how my ADD plays out, and keeps on top of "reminding" me to do things (the "leaving the house" ritual is a prime example. "Have you got your keys, your phone, is it charged? Have you got your purse, is the taxi card in there?" etc. and so forth... It annoys the hell out of me, but at the same time I'm very grateful to him for being this aware...

Distraction is really hard for me. I get distracted without realising I got distracted until something bad happens... Erik has even clued in on my eye rolling thing, argh... When my mind wanders I lose control of my eyes and they roll up into my forehead (extremely attractive look, I'm sure some of you have noticed this)... He'll go, "Mum, you're doing it again" and bring me back while sitting on the bus or in the food court... It's so embarrassing, to both of us... It happens 20 times a day and often I'm not aware until I get that dry eyeball feeling...

Hanging on to a train of thought sometimes can be like trying to hold a handful of water in your fist...

So, all this chaos gets controlled through external sources because I dispair over ever having internal control... Lists and lists of lists, and expectations which can be dashed and rage resulting from dashed expectations and fear of being exposed as "chaotic"...

Comments

Juniper said…
I have a few ADD symptoms myself LOL, so can undersatnd a lot of what you are saying, except for the controlling stuff - I just mostly often feel "out of control" re: organisation stuff etc...

And, FIY, I never got my CO form signed by the doc, I got a stat dec thing and got it signed at the police station. This was adequate when I did it for my kids. Hopefully you will find this too? Who wants to get a doc to sign it and go throug the hassle. Although there are several docs you could try who are pro immunisation choice - I am sure Peter Lucas would be one, and maybe that woman in Richmond, can't remember her name, but Jayen probably can? She is actually "anti" vacc...

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