Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Too many irons in the fire?

Have been feeling a bit tired lately, both physically and emotionally. Decided yesterday I might be overdoing it on the walking. Have been walking between 40 and 57km a week... So, took a bus yesterday and today instead of walking to or from the boys school. This was after walking 10 km on Monday (was going to walk 12.5 km but by the time I had to go to Tafe in the evening I was physically buggared)...

Also feeling very patchy emotionally though. I feel so easily thwarted at times, hmmm, that's not very well put, what I mean is sometimes it seems to take so little for me to feel like the world is not working with me but rather against me...

Was rabbiting on about this to my counsellor this morning and she pointed out that I have a lot of irons in the fire. I'm trying to learn about photography, already planning my next short course; trying to get back into Writing (bought a Writer's mag today for inspiration, and yes, that did work); Trying to get back into Knitting; and taking on the World's Greatest Shave challenge and raise money. As well as this, I'm wanting to be involved with the boys' school and get to know parents there, organise playdates for the boys. Trying to get Dave to get a lisence. Doing research for the move closer to the boy's school in 5 months time. Making plans to have another baby...

Basically, I have a million and one goals in my head, and it's not at all surprising that I'm having trouble staying focused on any one thing for more than 20 minutes at a time.

Yes, I'm aware that in the past I've had this tendency to run a bit close to the wire, and push myself a bit hard, but really I thought I'd overcome this flaw in my personality...

After I had Bryn I felt I'd achieved everything I wanted in my life and I felt like I was floundering for some new "goal", this went on for about 12 months, and then slowly I started to see things that were inspiring me, but somehow I've managed to "over do it" in the goal setting arena, and here I am racing from one thing to another feeling like I'm not managing to do anything to the level I want to...

I'm also stressing about money. I'm flat broke atm, and I really don't like this situation. So, I'm casting about for ways to make more money. Everything has such a long lead time though. I need something that will bring in money QUICKLY! Need to have a bit more of a think about it...

Oh, as I mentioned above, I'm participating in The World's Greatest Shave, and will be shaving my head on the 15th of this month (I want to do it today, LOL, but will force myself to wait)... If you haven't already, and you would like to sponsor me, go to http://www.worldsgreatestshave.com/profile.php?id=301020
and follow the prompts. It's credit card only deposits I'm afraid. So far I've raised $55. I haven't set a limit but would like to make it up to $250 at least, because I'd like to think that I've raised enough for three months counselling for one family. Only $195 to go then, I guess :D...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Going Fully Manual.

Had another photograph class last night and almost didn't go. Feeling at a bit of a low ebb (then woke up this morning with a head cold and realised why)... Anyway, glad I did go! We were working with tripods. Took a couple of fabulous (in my humble opinion) photos using an 8 second shutter speed (well, actually using "bulb" in the manual setting - requiring me to hold down the shoot button on the camera for the count of 8 seconds)... I had to chosen the aperture (which I found by setting the shutter speed I wanted in shutter preference, then focusing to see what aperture it gave me, then going to manual, choosing the aperture, choosing bulb and then holding the shoot button down for the length of time I wanted). I had to do all the focusing myself, which was actually my biggest challenge, and being that it was dark outside I was really just guesstimating (shooting in the dark, hahaha)...

So, this first shot was hand helding with me oscilating the camera to get the effect.



For this one I used the tripod, held the shoot button down for 8 seconds as car drove by.



Here I also used the tripod, but as the cars passed, I slowly zoomed the camera out.



When I got home, I was just fooling around with the camera, and got this shot by setting the shutter speed to 30 seconds, but also using the flash. From what I can see, the flash captured an initial strong image, and then as the rest of the 30 seconds passed (and Bryn actually moved out of shot, and lay down and sat up again), it caught these shadows of him moving around that are quite faint.



This last shot is on a much faster shutter speed, so no real special effects, I just found the look on Bryn's facing interesting, and the stance, this is not the Bryn we see most of the time...

Monday, February 26, 2007

Um, don't know what to call this...

I keep meaning to write, every day, several times a day I have stuff to write about. A conversation I had with someone, or an article I read...

Speaking of articles, as many of you know, I read an article about praising children, and how it can have a negative effect on a child's self-esteem, instead of the intended positive effect. Now, I know a couple of you think this is bunkum, but the kind of praise spoken about in the article; praise that is generalised and focuses on an outcome, rather than the process that yielded the out, is the kind of praise I recognise from my own childhood. My parents meant to boost my self-esteem by telling me I was very intelligent, but unbeknowns to them they were actually telling me that because I was so innately intelligent, things ought to come easily to me. This my (intelligent) little mind interpreted as, well if something is difficult then I they must be wrong, I must not really be that intelligent, I must be a fraud. So, began a long career of not attempting anything I might not master quickly, that might then reveal my fraudulent status.

Reading this article has really opened up my eyes. I recognise so many of my own thought processes stemming right back to childhood in the paragraphs of the article. I've realised this is why I've taken so long to get into photography (basically because when I see the excellent work of others I feel I'm not very good, so it's not worth trying because I don't want to look like a fool, I don't want my "intelligent" status to be questioned)... This is also why I'm baulking at writing atm. I've long talked about how I'm really a very good writer, and yet I don't write (how can a writer not write?). I've spent years telling my mum how much I love writing and how I feel I'm pretty good at it, and now I'm really very nervous that she will be my lecturer in a Masters in Writing and she will be the one to shed light on my fraud-ness (new word)... It scares me a lot.
In fact, there really are a lot of things I've given up on because I felt I didn't reach a level of excellence fast enough. And yet, this way of thinking isn't at all logical. Having talent is one thing, natural talent is another way of saying a person has an intuition for something, but intuition doesn't sprout from thin air, first the person needs to be exposed to the subject for their intuition to blossom, if I keep running away from "failure" how will I ever know if I could have been a success in whatever area I persisted with?

So, I've decided to jump off the cliff that has been holding me back from doing the things I love, like photography and writing and knitting and getting to know people I don't necessarily have that much in common with.

My aim is to learn, to "keep at it", and to conquer my fear of being caught out, of failing, of being laughed at by other people who perhaps do have more intelligence or more talent than me.

By not pursuing the things that I love, that make me feel alive, I'm only robbing myself of the enjoyment these things bring into my life.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Learning to wool dye and new water filter...

Had a fun day today :D!

Katy came over and showed me how to dye wool using powdered food colouring... OMG! Had no idea it was so easy! It's definitely something I could do and would be fun to do as well. I can even do it with the kids around because there are no caustic fumes they might inhale!

Here is Katy having a go at some rainbow dying...



Gorgeous, isn't it!!!


And here is a bit of dip dying, this was even easier!


The wool just soaks up the dye like a sponge!


Instant sunrise, hahaha!


I can't wait to knit with this!

And here is the finished rainbow skein hanging up to dry...

The other thing I did today, was take receipt of the water filter we're trialing for a week... Dave doesn't want to spend the money on this as he is quite happy to drink water from the tap, but I hate water straight from the tap. In this suburb it tastes like crap, ergh! Consequently, I don't drink a lot of water because if I buy a drink it is usually Coke Zero. We spend about 5 dollars a week on Sparkling Mineral water, which Dave mostly drinks... This filter both chills and heats water, so it's also doubles as an urn. The weekly repayments for it over 18 months is $10 a week, or $40 a month. Every six months you get a new filter, which is another $50 bucks... I'm already loving it, have had 5 glasses of water already, and that's quite amazing for me!

The kids can use it too, which is great and I've explained to them about the hot water and about the lock on the hot water and how they're not allowed to touch it. Bryn can't reach the levers yet, but I'm a bit concerned about when he might be able to do that. It's in the kitchen so that's a locked off area, so that helps a lot...


There are seven layers of filtering including charcoal and terracotta, and the water comes out chilled and tasteless and lovely, yes, better than bottled hahaha!


Monday, February 19, 2007

Congratulations T!!!!

This story board has nothing to do with this post, I just liked it, it's soooo Buddha-wa!

Got some marvellous news last night from an old friend - she's not old, she just a friend I've had for a while, though we haven't seen each other in ages, since she moved to the country...

Anyway, she was due to have a baby about a month ago, and last night she emailed to say she'd had her baby at 42 weeks, homebirth, and not everything was as expected! Instead of one, there were actually two babies :D! Two gorgeous girls, born healthy at 42 weeks, each weighing 8 pounds and 4 ounces. They're fraternal.

I honestly don't have any other details, hahaha! It had taken her two weeks to write the short email I received - I'm imagining she's one busy lady these days!

The funniest part of the email though was when she recounted how she used to say that if she ever found out she was having twins, she'd have to throw herself of a bridge! She'd already had one son. He was born at 45 weeks gestation. He had been a homebirth that was forceably transferred when the labour seemed to stall, and had been born via emerency c-section. My poor friend had been badly traumatised by all of this.

Then her little boy was extremely high needs! I mean EXTREMELY high needs, I've seen a lot of high needs kids in my time, and this child takes the cake, though in the past year or so (I think he's three or four now) he's been a lot more relaxed apparently... So, the poor woman was extremmely sleep deprived and post traumatically stressed for the first couple of years of her son's life. It's unstandable that she wouldn't have welcomed the idea of twins. But wow, the Universe has it's way of making everything work out, and if there is anyone prepared to have twins (can you be prepared for that?) then it would be her!

I wish her so much happiness!!! I'm so excited for her!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Warning! Whinge fest...


There you go, me with a decapitated head...

What I'm trying to show you here is my size 12 singlet tops and pants... Yes, yes, the tops are a tad snug, they're supposed to be snug, probably not quite that snug, but still... Size 12 was beyond my wildest dreams a year ago, and the pants aren't snug (there you go, I'm top heavy too)...

So, these help balance out what might otherwise be a bit of a crappy week...

Why crappy? No reason really, just not feeling very sunny. Having PMS and then AFs eventual arrival at the end of the week didn't help, of course. But I'm just just putting it down to a hormonal funk...


I broke a tooth on Wednesday. I know I need to get it either pulled or capped, but honestly I don't want to spend the money and even more so than that, I DON'T want to go anywhere NEAR a dentist, eeeek! Dentists mean needles and I am needle phobic like you wouldn't believe...

What else... Well, we're still battling head lice here. After shaving the big boys at Christmas, I just discovered they have head lice again, and what's more, so does Bryn this time, in a BIG way... So, three lots of head shaving again today, and the last of Bryn's birth hair all gone, I'm so sad about that...


The thing is, I'm the culprit here, I just know it. I get headlice when the boys get it, those little buggars LOVE my blood. But while it's simply a matter of shaving their little heads, I try to comb mine out over the period of a week, and obviously Bryn got them anyway... I'm certain I'm just not getting them before one of the boys gets reinfested.
Soooo, I'm thinking of shaving my own head again. Many of you already have seen me with a buxx cut, back in April of 2004, and I'm told it made me look very serene, hahaha. I'm not terribly concerned about how I'll look because, well, my hair grown very fast, an in six months it would seriously just be short haircut...

The thing is, I was quite liking my more feminine look again. The other thing is, I don't want the boys to have the mum with the shaved head. Soooooo, I'm thinking while I'm doing this, I might as well do it for a good cause, and join the "World's Greatest Shave" and raise money for Leukemia.

I really do need to put a stop to this head lice roundabout, it's driving me nuts!


What else... Oh yes, Erik got a new toy this week. A game that comes with these "game cards" that you slot into it to play different characters or something. He bought it with his own, saved up, pocket money. Well, this morning, he "lost" one of the cards INTO my treadmill, rendering my treadmill unusable until we can get someone out here to open it up and have a look inside for the card. We can't open it ourselves because of how it's set up, and I'm too afraid to use the treadmill in case the card causes the motor to seize and burn out... Grrrrr, I was ropable to the point of tears.

Of course, 2 hours after the incident, Erik is happy as Larry, completely forgotten that my $800 treadmill is now unusable. I'm so frustrated because there is nothing I can do to make him understand how serious this is and it's like he just doesn't care anyway...

So right now, I'm feeling crappy, despite being a size 12 (!), I'm a broken toothed, soon to be bald, treadmill-less pity party atm...

Oh yeah and I've been having all sorts of hang ups about the boys going to school this week, from the whole "I can't tell my kids from the rest of the crowd because of those "make everyone the same" uniforms, to the boys are sooo overtired and cranky and silly on the weekend because of being at school all week, to simply feeling like I'm not keeping up with it all, all the toing and froing and organising and trying to have a life outside of school schedules and all of the crap that comes with a busy life.

Also, this hot hot weather means going out is not really on the books, and I'm feeling very hot and sticky and yucky and claustrephobic!

Ok, I've got to stop whinging because I'm starting to irretate myself... Looking forward to the coming week and feeling sunny again...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Kicking some goals

Well, yesterday was one of those rare days, when I achieved everything I wanted to get done. Thie list was only four items long, but each item was a challenge in one way or another.

The List:
  1. Walk 14 kms
  2. Get my brows waxed
  3. Talk to Luey's teacher
  4. Start my photography course

The first one required me walking home from school, back to school, up to my photography course, plus incidental errands... Each leg was fine, it was just staying motivated to start each leg of the walk, and really I found I hate a lot of motivation.

Getting my brows waxed is a commitment I've made to myself in the past year as a way of grooming myself, because for years I let myself go, and there is nothing wrong with letting your brows grow naturally, not shaving, or waxing or whatever, but for me, I found I just feel so much more comfortable and self-cinfident when I've made a bit more of an effort with grooming, it also helps me feel motivated in losing/keep weight off...

I was a bit nervous about talking to Luey's teacher, but I knew I needed to advocate for him, and make sure he was properly understood and not judged as lacking in some way. The teacher was very open to all I had to say, so I felt a lot better for having spoken up. I didn't address the mat time issue, because I haven't seen him on the mat, and he himself says he feels bored, we've talked about being bored and how that balances out with the fun stuff, and he actually seemed to get that, so I'll just wait to hear how things are going from Mrs A...

Finally, starting my photography course. This was the biggest challenge for me. I chose to walk down there to finish up my 14 km walk, but also to give me time to clear my head from the day and get into thinking photography. I think that backfired a little for me, because instead of getting into a photography mindset, I started to fret about what the class would be like, what the other students would be like. Three times on the walk I nearly turned around and went home. My agoraphobia started to rear its ugly head. I managed to suck it up though, and got to the TAFE building. Had trouble finding the room, but met two other students who were also having trouble so we broke the ice finding the room together...

The teacher is great, I really like him. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed already though with apertures and shutters speeds and ISO and what not... We're going through the technical stuff first and working on depth of field and composition and other bits and pieces as we go along...

I have the oldest camera in the class, Canon 350D. About half the class has Canons (all the rest are 400Ds) and about half have Nikons. One student has a Pentax. The teacher is a Nikon snob, but nice about it, so not only do I have "the inferiour brand" but I've got the outdated model, hahaha! Good one!

Everyone else is there to learn how to take better landscape shots or macro natural shots, so I'm the only one wanting to shoot people, and I'm also the only student in my 30s with kids - there are others in their 20-30s there, but they're into shooting landscape and wild animals in Africa/Canada and what not...

I have a feeling that the teacher probably things I'm not particularly serious about photography because I said my favourite subject was kids in their natural setting... Oh well... At least I won't have to impress him then, hahaha!

We're going to use a tripod in a couple of weeks, but also the first 8 of us on the class list have to present some of our work, argh! We'll be presenting it from our memory card, so that means not downloading and deleting - I don't really like that idea. Also it means getting some shots in in that week before presenting, so I'm going to have to make sure I can photograph someone's kids, not just my own, LOL...

I'm really excited I have signed up for this course. I'm not expecting to become a professional photographer from it, or whatever, but I'm sure it'll help me become a better photographer than I am and to make better use of this "old" camera of mine, LOL...

Oh, and having seen the screen on the Canon 400D, I'm now coveting one something horrendous!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

A good friendship blossoming...

Yesterday, Erik went for his first ever playdate at someone else's house, aged 7.5 years old.

I think we were all a bit tense about it yesterday morning because several skirmishes broke out, especially between Erik and Luey. Luey was feeling a bit like he was missing out too, and we kept telling him that he could also invite a friend home from school one day, to which his response was that we should immediately call Liam and have him come over, but I already knew Liam wouldn't be home to call...

At 1pm, Erik's friends mum came over to pick him up. The agreement was that she would bring Erik back at 5pm.

After they left, Dave organised to take Luey out shopping with him, and Bryn and I pottered around the house. I tried to get some knitting done, but my mind kept wandering to what Erik might be doing, how he was coping. I was sure he was having a ball, but I'm ashamed to admit I was very concerned that he might be wreaking havoc "over there". I kept half expecting a call from M, C's mum, saying she was bringing Erik home early, but no, the hours ticked by...

At about 4.30pm I did get a call, to ask if Erik could stay until 5.30pm. Yes, he could. Dave and Luey came home and a little while later M brought Erik home and I got to meet C and his big brother R as well.

It turns out Erik was extremely well behaved and very polite!!! Yay! for him! He and the other boys had a ball. Played Yugio dueling cards, bounced on the trampoline, playing on C and R's X-Cube (we don't have any tv or computer games here, so Erik was VERY impressed at having a go at the boys' one)...

Erik wanted to go back today, hahaha, but of course that wasn't going to happen, and next weekend C''s family is very busy with market stalls, so the plan is for another visit in a fortnight. We will also invite C over here, of course (though we don't have a much cool stuff here, apparently, LOL, according to Erik)... M was saying during the school holidays she and snother friend take their kids to a rollerblading rink locally, and she would be very happy to take Erik along, so yay! for that too!

Again, I got a very calm energy of C and his brother, and around them Erik is excited but in a contained sort of way, which is lovely to see! It's a side of him only Dave and I have seen mostly at home... Erik seems so much more emotionally mature around C, and I love seeing it!

Ok, so onto something else... Below you can see the new stroller I bought for Bryn, and in this picture, he's just climbed into it and is telling me he wants to go out, LOL...



Friday, February 09, 2007

Feeling it again...

That feeling deep down that says, you need to make some changes... Could be I like to challenge myself, I like to see how far I can stretch myself, I dunno... Reading the consumption Rebellion blog (in my list) and thinking I too need to have a look at the consumption habit of greed in my life. I know I have greed. I've known this for a while. I try to justify it with the fact that I'm not as greedy as many, I don't have every new gadget on the market, I've never even owned an ipod, LOL... We don't have a car, not that I don't wish we did. We only got a dryer this last six months, and don't have a dishwasher... But I know, in my own way, I have greed. I have enough clothes to clothe 3 women comfortably. The boys have far more clothes than any one child could possibly ever use, and despite the fact that Bryn will inherit CRATES of clothing in excellent condition, I still find myself buying him new stuff just because I think he'd look cute in this or that...

I bought an expensive treadmill not six months ago that I haven't used in 2 and half months because I prefer to walk out in the fresh air. This week I bought my 7th pram/stroller... I have four sling/carriers... Basically I have far more multiples of items than I really need...

Monday, February 05, 2007

Uneasy...

I'm feeling uneasy tonight, and I can't figure out why...

It has something to do with organising to visit mum in March. I talked to mum this morning and we came to the conclusion that the latter half of March would be ideal. I want to be able to stay 4-6 days if possible, seeing as the air fair costs a bit and mum will be working, so want a chance actually spend some time with her, yk?

Anyway, so trying to organise it with Dave, working around the days he works, and if he can switch a few hours around here and there so he can pick up the kids from school. He's being a bit iffy about it because he doesn't want to mess his employer around much, which I totally understand. He's thinking it might be better during the Easter holidays, but I can't see how, because then the boys aren't in school at all. Also, in the back of my mind is the thought that mum and s-dad's new house won't have any heating or cooling, no cooling I can live with, but no heating ugh... Early April isn't that cold anyway, so why am I worried about that?

Maybe it's the money? I was going to pay off my credit card pdq, and put a heap of money on it a couple of weeks ago, but then have whittled that away with sundry schooling costs and buying wool, and other things we don't need. Not feeling great about that.

Have money coming in, in the works, various payments and income from knitting etc. but buying airtickets will not help put me ahead. I do want to visit mum though.

Found out today that Dave's redundancy is all but gone, what is left is already promised to a publishing gig, that's fine it's his money, his dream. He didn't ever get those lessons though. Also he says he spent the money on a lot of little bits here and their, including food and such, which leaves me a little cold because that means we're living beyond our means, not good.

We always have enough money, though, so that's never been an issue.

Hmmm, perhaps it's time we had a bit more than enough. Does that contradict my last post? Is that greedy? Why am I feeling uneasy tonight, is it just the thought that we're living beyond our means? Surely not! That has never occurred to me before, never been a worry before.

I'm going to sign up for a photography course tomorrow. It'll cost $270, money I'm borrowing from Dave, money he is borrowing from his pubishing money. Maybe that's it. I don't like borrowing money from Dave, especially when there isn't that buffer there.

I think I'm feeling a bit uneasy about doing a photography course, and planning a trip to Adelaide when my credit card is maxxed out. Are these things necessary. Couldn't I get by without them? Maybe physically I could. Maybe psychologically I can't. I put off doing the photography course last term because Bryn wasn't old enough to stay with Dave at night. I really do want to do the course, to get some technical instruction on how to use this brilliant camera of mine. Somewhere deep down, I have this shy little vision of me being a "real" photographer, having real exhibitions. Large, one off prints that people buy because it makes them feel something when they see it. This is the first step. I do need to do this course.

Visiting mum... It took me years to establish a healthy relationship with my mum. These six monthly visits are important for maintaining that relationship. Besides, I need the mental break of going somewhere completely different. On this visit I'm going to get to talk to the lecturers of the Masters I want to enrol in for next year. It not all fun, some of this trip is business too.

Photography and writing, these are my things, my me. They are important, and who knows one day that could mean having more than enough to get by...

So, why DO I feel uneasy...

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Watched "The Secret"

It was good. It was heavily peppered with an emphasise on gaining material chattels, but that reflects more the desires of the people speaking on the show than the concept of the Law of Attraction itself.

I had to laugh though. NOT ONE THING mentioned on the "The Secret" is in any way a secret. I think calling it "The Secret" and then producing a glossy Hollywood dramatic enactment at the beginning of the documentary that is reminiscent of "The De Vinci Code" was more a marketing tool than a reflection of the status of the Law of Attraction.

"Ask and you shall receive" is basically what the Law of Attraction is about. That message is one most all of us have grown up hearing and understanding. Yes, there is a need for faith, and yes, faith is sorely lacking in our society today, but the basic notion that a positive outlook on life yields a positive experience of life is simply common sense.

I'm still somewhat exasperated by the focus on having and having big. That people really feel they need mansions and fast cars, and lots and lots and lots of money annoys me. Why though? Why does that annoy me? If that is what people believe will fulfill them, why is it any trouble for me? It isn't really. It's my conditioning that rich people are shallow, or rather, not rich people, but people who aspire to richness, and people who constantly refer to their monetary riches are shallow. People who seem to define themselves by their money, perhaps? I don't know, but I do know I need to let it go!

Bloody hell... I posted this without getting to my point, hahaha, talk about getting distracted.

What I was going to say is that i've come to the conclusion over the past week or so that I'm ready to prepare for the new baby that's on her way. I'm not sure how Dave will come to terms with having her, but that is for him to figure out I guess.

So, to that end, I've decided to buy an almost new car seat an acquaintence is selling at a heavily reduced price, this is also for the car Dave and I will be getting later this year. I'm so relieved to have accepted that this is what I want, after much struggling and worrying about upsetting Dave and what not. I know with the counselling I'm getting and with the boys going to school, and my plans to help Dave find some time to himself etc. I can see big and positive changes in our family and so our little girl will slot in beautifully. It'll be wonderful. In the meantime, the next year and a half or more, i'll have all this time with my gorgeous Bryn bubba. Yes, it'll be grand!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Exahusting Week...

Well, if you're on this page looking for a witty reflection on the state of life inside my head, you'd better come back another time, nothing witty to see here...

This photo of Luey sporting his sparklepox is about as rib tickling as it gets today. I'm feeling extremely worn out, physically, emotionally, mentally - the whole spectrum (too tired to list the rest of the ways I'm tired)...

I'm not unhappy though, so this isn't going to be one of those ranty whingey blogs where I spew malcontent out into the net...

It's been a BIG week! A really big week. One of those weeks you're bound never to forget really. The kind of week it takes weeks to prepare for, a few days to get through, and then weeks to recover from - kind of like Christmas, I guess - or birthdays, when you decide like an imbicile to have three kids in the span of 6 weeks because it fits in with your study schedule...



The boys started school this week, as seen in the sig I made to mark the event. That confused look on Bryn's face was a permanent feature for Thursday and Friday as he could not for the life of him figure out why the boys were disappearing for hours each day, then coming home, without dad no less, having a shower, eating and going to bed. I think Bryn made the biggest adjustment this week, poor little mite!

I managed, after literally months of preparing and reading and rereading the school information, to stuff up Erik's first day of school by, um, missing it completely. For some reason i thought Erik and Luey were starting on the same day, Thursday, but Erik was supposed to be there on Wednesday. In the end it didn't make a big difference at all, but still, oops!

Erik started the year by losing his brand new take home folder, that's my boy! I mean really, that is just like me at his age!

Luey isn't saying anything much about school. He's firmly committed to NOT TALKING about it! He seems happy to be going though. He hasn't complained about anything or seemed upset in any way, and this morning he told me he couldn't go shopping with us because he HAD to go to school! When I told him he didn't have to go today or tomorrow, he was perfectly fine with that too, not upset or anything. He just seems to take everything in his stride. I really wish I could see inside his head though. I've always said I wouldn't worry about Luey because he's far more socially self-assured than Erik etc. but still it's a bit unnerving when Erik tells me everything he can remember about his day, and Luey say nothing at all...

Erik has already been invited for a afterschool playdate, in a week and a half. Funny thing is, the other boy's mum seems more keen about this than either her son, or Erik. Not that Erik isn't keen, but this isn't one of the kids he goes on and on about ad nauseum, iykwim? I think he's happy to be being invited somewhere though...

Wish we lived closer to the school though. would make play dates easier to organise, and would basically make pick up and drop offs easier. We have a lease until August which we're not keen to break (have a broken lease on our record already, so want to try and keep things neat), but as soon as we're free of the lease I'm going to find us a place right near the school that is bigger than this place, but not more than $300 a week, with a lock up garage, and two living areas, three bedroom of decent size, a fully enclosed yard in good conditon for Bryn to play in and airconditioning! Can't wait!

Another big thing this week was going back to see my counsellor. I've been looking forward to this, and this week I also found out that she is eligible for me to receive 12 sessins at nearly half price through Medicare, and she is have my visits back dated for last year too! Isn't she lovely!

We had a talk about an incident involving the next door neighbour and her son that left me feeling very anger and unfairly treated last week.

This anger and sense of being unfairly treated is a bit of theme in my life. So we're going to look into it further, but she was also suggesting I have a very high benchmark for myself that I'm very hard about myself on achieving. That's just another way of saying I'm a perfectionist, like my mother.

Because of this high benchmark, I don't allow myself to "stoop" to levels I see other people stoop to, or if I do give in to that impulse, I judge myself particularly harshly for doing so, and so I'm either angry that I've stooped, or I'm angry that other people feel it's ok to treat me (or people I care about) in a way that I would not feel comfortable doing myself. Anger and resentment I guess...

Letting go is very hard for me too - well, duh, it's in my natal chart, isn't it!

On the train home I was thinking. Once you start counselling, and you start to identify what your issues really are, how do you know when to stop having counselling. I know I'm not even near that place yet, but seriously, is counselling/therapy something you do for life, or do you get a set of skills that will help you deal with your own neurosis from that time on and when you're effective at using those skills you stop getting therapy? I mean, otherwise, I can see myself having counselling for the next 50 years!

Teenagers and the failing parent...