Monday, February 05, 2007

Uneasy...

I'm feeling uneasy tonight, and I can't figure out why...

It has something to do with organising to visit mum in March. I talked to mum this morning and we came to the conclusion that the latter half of March would be ideal. I want to be able to stay 4-6 days if possible, seeing as the air fair costs a bit and mum will be working, so want a chance actually spend some time with her, yk?

Anyway, so trying to organise it with Dave, working around the days he works, and if he can switch a few hours around here and there so he can pick up the kids from school. He's being a bit iffy about it because he doesn't want to mess his employer around much, which I totally understand. He's thinking it might be better during the Easter holidays, but I can't see how, because then the boys aren't in school at all. Also, in the back of my mind is the thought that mum and s-dad's new house won't have any heating or cooling, no cooling I can live with, but no heating ugh... Early April isn't that cold anyway, so why am I worried about that?

Maybe it's the money? I was going to pay off my credit card pdq, and put a heap of money on it a couple of weeks ago, but then have whittled that away with sundry schooling costs and buying wool, and other things we don't need. Not feeling great about that.

Have money coming in, in the works, various payments and income from knitting etc. but buying airtickets will not help put me ahead. I do want to visit mum though.

Found out today that Dave's redundancy is all but gone, what is left is already promised to a publishing gig, that's fine it's his money, his dream. He didn't ever get those lessons though. Also he says he spent the money on a lot of little bits here and their, including food and such, which leaves me a little cold because that means we're living beyond our means, not good.

We always have enough money, though, so that's never been an issue.

Hmmm, perhaps it's time we had a bit more than enough. Does that contradict my last post? Is that greedy? Why am I feeling uneasy tonight, is it just the thought that we're living beyond our means? Surely not! That has never occurred to me before, never been a worry before.

I'm going to sign up for a photography course tomorrow. It'll cost $270, money I'm borrowing from Dave, money he is borrowing from his pubishing money. Maybe that's it. I don't like borrowing money from Dave, especially when there isn't that buffer there.

I think I'm feeling a bit uneasy about doing a photography course, and planning a trip to Adelaide when my credit card is maxxed out. Are these things necessary. Couldn't I get by without them? Maybe physically I could. Maybe psychologically I can't. I put off doing the photography course last term because Bryn wasn't old enough to stay with Dave at night. I really do want to do the course, to get some technical instruction on how to use this brilliant camera of mine. Somewhere deep down, I have this shy little vision of me being a "real" photographer, having real exhibitions. Large, one off prints that people buy because it makes them feel something when they see it. This is the first step. I do need to do this course.

Visiting mum... It took me years to establish a healthy relationship with my mum. These six monthly visits are important for maintaining that relationship. Besides, I need the mental break of going somewhere completely different. On this visit I'm going to get to talk to the lecturers of the Masters I want to enrol in for next year. It not all fun, some of this trip is business too.

Photography and writing, these are my things, my me. They are important, and who knows one day that could mean having more than enough to get by...

So, why DO I feel uneasy...

1 comment:

HipbubbyMama said...

I think many mothers feel uneasy spending money on "non- neccessities" for themselves. Especially when money is tight.Men dont seem to have this as much, and I think it's something we as women have to work to overcome. I know I somethimes feel guilty for buying something which benefits no one but me. But the photography course is about helping you to fulfil your dream, you should pursue it. A happy mother makes for a happy family. Trite perhaps but there is a grain of truth there. And likewise maintaining the relationship with your mum is important too. I think you should do these things and feel good about it. You can always budget in other areas :)

Teenagers and the failing parent...