Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I didn't feel like talking today...

But I'm so glad i did.

I didn't blog about this yesterday because it was all too raw and painful. Yesterday morning I was all set to leave Dave. I was looking at realestate.com and had checked out what I'd get from centrelink and how I might fair financially on my own. I had even considered moving to Adelaide to be closer to my mum, but decided that really wouldn't be good for the boys and their relationship with Dave.

Looking back, I spent about 4 or 5 hours in a flood of tears, and poor little Bryn didn't know what to make of the situation, though he was his usual smiley self, if a bit confused and perhaps fascinated by my choice of emotional expression...

Why was I leaving Dave. Simply put, because the status quo is wearing me down, and the cycle of inaction on his part, to help himself, to do what it would take to make himself feel less tired, less sore, and less antagonistic towards the rest of us, seems as if it has no end.

The day had started as it usually does, with Dave getting the boys ready for school. He had planned to get up very early, do the dishes and prepare dinner for me because cooking once the boys are home from school is a nightmare. Because I was tired myself and knew I'd need the extra bit of lie in, I'd offered to swap roles with him, if he took the boys to school, I'd do dishes and cook dinner after they all left - thusly gaining myself another hour or so of sleep.

Thing is in the morning, he did his usual moaning and bitching about being tired and too demanded upon with the boys, and yesterday morning, he did it loudly enough to wake Bryn, so I had him take Bryn out and then he just whined more, not to me, but to the boys about how he had enough to do without them making constant demands of him...

Now, I completely accept that he is tired, and sore, with his various ailments, and I acknowledge he does a lot around the house compared to many of my friends partner. But what gets me is his inability to "just get on with it" without whinging and bitching and moaning like we all somehow owe him... I don't whinge and bitch about being tired the whole time I'm cleaning the house, or doing the shopping, or whatever, so why does he have to do it???

So, I'm telling my counsellor this.

And I'm telling her about the feminist discussions I was participating in yesterday and how I quietly suspected my friends who don't understand my perspective would likely be thinking, She claims she doesn't feel oppressed, but her partner is just as much a male chauvanist bastard as the the rest of the guys out there who think if they do anything in the house we should be grateful...

The thing is, I don't feel oppressed by Dave at all. I feel this is a person who is tired and in pain, and probably also depressed, who wants to have his pain acknowledged but who also feels that inertia that comes with depression. I also feel that I have the choice of sticking around and supporting him in the process of working through this, or if I feel that just isn't going to happen, of seperating from him.

Yes, seperating from him would leave me with the responsibility of the kids most of the time, but I also know Dave would be a very involved father, as he always has been, and really, if he was, that would be a Dave issue, not a male vs. female issue.

So, anyway, I ended up telling my poor counsellor all about the stuff I was trying to convey here and on AB about my thoughts on feminism, and humanism, etc. Of course, she didn't disagree with me, she wouldn't do that, she always finds things she can agree with to extrapolate on and bring new perspectives to in all our discussions, and so I really couldn't assess if I was having the same affect on her as I had on my friends and acquaintences (you know, that she might think I was a complete looney, or male chauvanist, or in the very least ignorant, hehehe)...

So, I'm rabbiting on, and soon my hour is up, and we're saying our goodbyes. Then as I'm walking our, she is right behind me, and quietly says, "Don't change your thinking" in such as way as I felt like she had understood what I was saying, that I wasn't just off the planet with my perspective, I wasn't completely insane.

So, ok, it shouldn't really matter what other people think of me and what I think, and when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter, not enough for me to change my perspective without seeing the logic in the perspective I'm adopting anyhow, but I felt so uplifted by that one phrase, by the sense of connection with a sympathetic mind.

And this doesn't mean I'm right and everyone else is wrong, it simply means I'm not alone in my philosophy and theory, even if my friends have never heard a perspective like mine before.

As for leaving Dave, that is still up in the air. We're not fighting or anything, in fact, we're very comfortable with each other as always. We did have a brief conversation about the events of yesterday morning, last night, and Dave had suspected my thoughts of us seperating, and said he didn't want that and that he also thought we can work through this. We talked about him going on a waiting list to have his knee seen to. We didn't talk about anything else at the time because I really didn't feel up to it, and surrepticiously changed the subject. Then talking to my counsellor today, she is going to investigate finding an older male psychologist for us to see through Relationships Australia (the older male is help Dave feel comfortable, feel like he's talking to someone who understands him better)... So, yeah, I'd like to see everything work out, but for that to happen then something has to change for Dave to become happier in himself.

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Teenagers and the failing parent...