Thursday, April 05, 2007

Head Colds, Fertility Friend and some home truths...

Gosh, I don't want to seem like I whinge all the time. Lately though I've been whinging quite a bit...

It's holiday time and the boys are home, and we're not going anywhere. We haven't been going anywhere this week primarily because I've been feeling too overwhelmed to take all three of them out. I seem to constantly be telling these boys of mine (the older two) off in public, and I hate that woman I am when I'm out with them.

Truth be told though, I'm no different at home, it's just that no one can see me at home and so I don't feel quite so bad.

The boys have been pretty good on the whole, just bored and restless. When I read other people's posts on AB or EB about their kids hijinx, I realise how much easier things are now that my boys are older, than they were when they were younger and had EVEN LESS impulse control, and used to pull my house apart on a daily basis.

Which brings me to the home truths part of this blog. I realised in the last 24 hours that somewhere inside me a thresh hold has been crossed, and now that it has been crossed I can't really cross back over it. As much as I've been having trouble with the boys at school, and been dreading picking them up and hearing the latest complaint from their teacher, I've just realised there is no going back for me. I might as well hang up my "homeschooler" mantle, because I can't see myself ever being up to homeschooling again.

I just don't think I'm capable of it anymore. I don't know how I did it as long (short?) as I did. Having the boys home this past week has revealed to me just how much they get from going to school. Sure there are so many things to overcome. I fully acknowledge that the whole "institute" that is school kind of sucks, and fails our children with it's Congaline of Compromise.

However, I cannot provide my children with the village experience they crave. I can't be a multitude of different people to them, so they can experience a variety of views of social approaches. I can't offer them the variety of learning experiences they crave, that they would get in a village situation. Our relationship, mine and my bigger boys is better when they are stimulated at school, appropriately or otherwise, and I get respire throughout the week.

Not only this but I've realised that Bryn isn't happier when they are home. Before they went to school, I was really worried for Bryn, that he would be lonely and bored without them. I realised yesterday that I hadn't noticed him being lonely or bored, because he hasn't indicated in any way that he was either.

Now that they've been home all day for a week, I see that Bryn is extremely frustrated. He is frustrated because he isn't permitted (by them) to participate in their play, except when they are hyping him up for their own amusement.

I've noticed on a few occassions that Bryn has actually taken himself away from them and their play to go play by himself in a corner somewhere, and he has seemed much happier once they were in bed.

Bryn has also been upset because we haven't been out much at all, and he is feeling somewhat cabin feverish. That is the crux of the home truths, when they're all in my care, I go into a shell. I feel desperate and depressed (as I have this week, and leading up to this week), and I don't want to go out at all. Which is why homeschooling the boys isn't a realistic option for me any longer... I've just realised why it wasn't working. Other parents who homeschool happily can meet their children's needs for stimulation, whatever those needs are (some children, unlike mine, don't feel the need for a lot of social interaction, I totally accept that)... I couldn't meet my children's needs while homeschooling because I felt too overwhelmed to get out of the house with them, I just kind of tried to get through the day at home.

Today though, we couldn't go out even if I wasn't feeling overwhelmed because they both have headcolds, poor things, what a boring holiday this is becoming for them...

You're probably wondering what this has to do with Fertility Friend... Well, I just signed up for a year. Why? Well because I started ovulating yesterday afternoon, and like three cycles ago, it was PAINFUL! But also, I noticed, I felt bloated, and quite suddenly depressed yesterday, and no sex drive, though it was high in the previous few days (not that that led to anything). So, I've been ruminating on my cycle, and whether this feeling of depression and anxiety and being overwhelmed is cyclical. I was thinking yesterday that I should start charting, to see if my moods have anything to do with my cycle.

Also because I want to have another baby, maybe getting pg by the end of this year, and I want to know my cycle well so I can give having a girl a good go. I'll start temping as soon as I have a new thermometer and I think I'll get an OPK for next cycle to start pinpoint O, but also to see if I'm only Oing when I get the pain (I had mild pain last cycle, but none the previous two, and bad pain the one before like, like yesterday)...


Amanda O. said...

That's a lot of soul searching and must've been a difficult conclusion for you to come to, as at least ime, homeschooling can become a big part of your identity when you're doing it. I hope everyone's headcold disappears soon, miserable things those, especially coupled with feeling restless! Good luck with charting as well... I hope it will all tell you something about the pain and if the depression/anxiety is cyclical. I know mine definitely seems to be! x-)

Zoe said...

I understand a bit of what you are going through when you talk about your older boys being at school. While homeschooling is something I will always love to do, I know the reality would be so hard.
I think my kids like going to school for a break from me! At least their teachers don't yell at them or become totally irrational about the toys scattered around!

I hope you get some answers from FF. And I really hope you get your 4th baby.

Jayne said...

I really understand, I have never really seriously considered homeschooling because I *know* it would be too hard for me. I totally and utterly admire those who do-but I think those who are successful at it have a LOT of support. It really takes a village to home school, and if you don't have that, like most of us don't it is just way too challenging. Children DO need a village, that I am sure about.

And yup as I've blogged before my depression and axiety is hugely related to my cycle-I felt like utter crap last week, this week i feel ok and happy again. It's a giant PITA lol. Hope FF works out and good luck on conceiving baby #4!!

Good Job!