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That sinking feeling...

Just got a call from Dave, and now I feel sick :(...

He went for his post scan consult about his knee, and found out he has not cartelage left in his right knee. A bit worse than we had expected, but that's not what is causing the sinking feeling. Apparently operating isn't the best choice. Apparently, an operation wouldn't make that much difference to him now, his knee would need to have seized up completely for an operation to make a marked difference on his daily pain levels, etc. So, he's been advised to lose some more weight and to take Glucosamene (sp?). That doesn't sound bad, does it? Well, it's made me feel completely ill, basically because he bought Glucosamene about 4-5 months ago, but doesn't remember to take it, and while he's lost 15kg in the past year and a half, he's stalled for the past six months, and well, being 48, his metabolism has probably slowed a lot, and he is already quite an active man...

Even if he loses a heap of weight, and strictly takes the pills each day, the relief from pain is expected to only be "manageable"...

So, the status quo changing is wholly reliant on him, and well, this is where I have to admit I don't really have much faith in him making any real changes (based on past behaviour). He's all "glass half full" about it, of course, because he doesn't have to have an operation. Says he'll just have work on losing the weight and taking the pills, and that there are other things he can do with the boys besides kicking the footy around...

Me... I could cry... I have been crying, in fact, I was crying so hard on the phone that I had to tell him I needed to go. Why? Becuase all I can see ahead of me is a lifetime of him complaining about the pain, being tired and irretable all the time, but worse, much worse... I believe the pain in his knee has been one of the main contributing factors to the fact that we haven't had sex in 2.5 years, and then that was only for 6 months after a 3.5 year platonic stint.

I've joked about this so much over the past 6 years that I've almost convinced myself it doesn't matter, but the flood of tears today is betraying my investment in the hope surgery was going to bring me... How can this be my life??? Right now, I just want to go eat my way through ilses 1 and 4 at Safeway, I mean what's the point of taking care of myself, really...

Comments

Rae said…
Oh HUGS. I know this feeling like its my best friend. LOL My Dave smokes and he had given up when he met me but a few years ago he started sneaking them back in and I just get so angry because my first thought isn't that Noah will be without a dad its that I will be in the prime of my older years wanting to go backpacking across europe with him and I will be stuck making sure he's connected to a ventilator. That is my worst nightmare! It's a little too close to home because DH's dad has diabetes which was manageable but he acted like a selfish kid and let DH's mum do everything around the house while he just abused his body for years with his bad diet (curbing it two days before he had have a blood test) and now his organs are packing it in and he's blind and DH's mum is his carer. If DH became a paraplegic I'd look after him and hey maybe I'm not really a bitch, maybe I would look after him :) but I do not want to be stuck caring for someone that caused their own deteriation. So long story short, it bugs me too and I can fully feel your fear. I always think years ahead too. :) :)
The good news is DH's self motivation has changed alot since Noah was born and also since he started Anti depressants so my life isn't a wash out yet!
Nic and Beren said…
((Hugs)) Can he get a second opinion on treatment ?? Maybe some physio? and pain relief drugs for a while until he can lose weight ?
Leah said…
lots of hugs sif. i know sometimes I get a "this is it, it wont ever change" feeling to a negative aspect of our relationship and it is really rough going, deciding what you can accept and what you can't.
Cabrissi Tea said…
Huge hugs Sif, I have no idea what to even say except it seems like there must be other options than just surgery or essentially "loose weight adn suck it up"... heck there is for DOGS, so there must be the same for humans! Even Cade has joint damage similar to what you describe adn he gets both medication (pain management, NSAID) and holistic treatments as well as exercise that helps him not be in pain and a cranky, lethargic grump snarking at the whippersnappers for horsing around near him. So don't loose hope on things not improving just yet. I'd be checking with pain management specialists for other opinions, joint specialists etc and doing some research on his particular problem before I'd give up, especially when it can have such a big impact on him and you... it's just too important! Will have to catch up with you sometime soon and see you and B again, haven't seen you in ages!
Stitch Sista said…
**hugs** Sif. Sorry you are feeling so hopeless and helpless about this...FWIW I'm not sure why Dave's knee has to be fully involved in your 'intimate relations' but that is something you guys obviously need to sort out b/w yourselves. Hope things are looking brighter (afterall it's all about your perspective right?) today...
Crazy Mumma said…
Oh Sif, that sucks mate, and I feel your pain. All I can offer is that while I can relate to your desire to eat through the chippie aisle, the point of looking after yourself is so that your gorgeous kids have a vibrant and healthy mum who hangs around long enough to see them have kids. HUGS mate...
Sif said…
PMSL, Rach, :)! No, he knee doesn't have to be fully involved in our intimate relations, except that Dave - being the old fashioned kind of guy that he is really only comfortable with one position... And somehow that position does put pressure on his knee...

I don't know - I didn't go and raid Safeway, yay for me - we had a talk last night, with me complaining that he is holding all the cards and anything I want to do or want seen done relies on him taking action. For his part, he feels like he has VERY little control over what happens in his life.

He feels that he tries to do "the right stuff" here at home, but I don't appreciate it (which I don't because it's not what I need him to do, which I told him), he also feels pressure from work and from the boy's expectations of him (that was an eye opener, I didn't even realise he feels the boys have expectations of him, mainly because I don't feel they have any of me at all)...

I told him I don't need him to do the dishes or the laundry or get the boys ready for school. I need him to work more hours (he works 15 hours a week) and bring in more income to relieve the financial stress I'm feeling, and to get a license so we can go place without massive hassles and being reliant on pt all the time. I need for us to move closer to the school so the boys can meet up with their school friends who live in the street around the school.

We also talked about having another baby. I said I don't have the same yearning I did with each boy, but I do want another one. He was, again, concerned that we might not have a girl and I'd be disappointed. I told him I would love a girl, but I am actually expecting to have another boy, and that is ok with me. Anyway, I said if he really doesn't want any more kids, then he needs to get a vasectomy, not just become celebate... We talked a lot about this next baby, LOL, as if the next baby is going to happen, he's just getting his head around it... We'll see...
Sif said…
Oh one other thing, wrt me feeling he holds all the cards, I acknowledged that I have choices, but that I don't like the choices, and ultimately if put between a rock and a hard place, I would choose the status quo over moving out, and basically that is what is upsetting me more than anything, if he doesn't do anything, then this will be our lives from here on in and I'll just dry up inside, but I won't leave because I don't feel I can leave him - and be happy...
Stitch Sista said…
Oh Sif, seriously...I can relate to your last comments about choices. Obviously we all have choices, but they aren't easy to act upon when it comes right down to it. I think that something great has come out of this though...Dave has opened up a little bit and you have learned something about him (i.e his concerns about the boys' expectations). And you have even managed to talk about the baby that he seems somehow resigned to :P. I know my DH really feels that lack of control, probably feels underappreciated, and I in turn feel a lot of my needs are unmet, but at the same time, I really am so grateful that he tries...I think we have to give our partners credit for the fact that they do their best (even if we do better yk ;)). I do think that if you can get through this young child/baby raising phase things could well flourish - I think it's definitely a difficult period for all parents/relationships (like just wondering did these issues exist pre kids? b/c for us I don't think they did...at least not to the same extent).
Juniper said…
Huge hugs Sif! This is such a big issue, a few lines on your blog comments isn't going to cut it LOL! Wanted to say I was thinking of you though!
casso said…
Jeepers Sif, I hope things are looking better for you today. Great to hear that you guys had a deep talk about it though. How are you feeling? How did the talk leave you? Thinking of you hon.
Sif said…
Thanks guys :)

Yeah I'm feeling better today. The thing is, Dave and I always end up talking about it, nothing ever just festers, well not for long... So, we talked about stuff, didn't come to any real conclusions, nothing different from any other time we talk, but he did talk about how he's feeling, which can only be a good thing (often it's just me)... It is complex, it's hard to know when to pursue my own goals, and when to consider his, and whether or not he has any or is just passing time till he dies... Can I even take any responsibility for him meeting his personal goals in life, can I take responibility for his happiness, and can I take responsibility for his suffering - what if my happiness creates his suffering (my pushing him to do all sorts of things put stress on him)... It's complex, it's marriage, I guess...

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