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Feeling so homescik...

Dave reminded me yesterday that I hadn't watched the two DVDs my uncle sent us last year from my Amma's funeral and the wake afterwards. Tonight, there was nothing on tv, and rather than watching some half-baked movie (The Mexican), Dave suggested we watch one of the DVDs. I decided we should watch the second one, which was a compilation of photos from the wake because I don't feel ready to watch the funeral yet.

I watched the DVD twice. The first time I watched it, it was with excitement, spotting all the relatives I haven't seen since at least 1988, and trying to recognise my various cousins (there are 15 on that side of the family), some of whom I haven't met, some I haven't seen in person since they were three or four (my cousin Inga did come to visit us here when Erik and Luey were about 2.75 and 9 months old)...

There were photos from one of the towns I lived in, though it's changed a lot, and I felt filled with happiness and the fun of seeing old faces again...

The second time I watched it, I realised there was a great big hole in the family, both my grandparents are dead now, and so essentially I was watching 6 new orphans (mum not being in the DVD) and their families adjusting to life without the matriarch. My Aunty Helga, the youngest of mums siblings and the one who was closest to Amma, was holding her newborn son (only 3+ weeks old at the time) and looked so lost.

Now I'm missing everyone so terribly. I just want to go there and hug everyone! I want to meet my cousins I haven't met yet, and I want the boys to know their family. I could have slotted into that wake so easily, I could have walked into the room and no one would have batted an eyelid, I still feel so close to everyone, all my aunts and uncles and most of my cousins.

It's so strange to be this far away from everyone for this long and still feel like they are my closest family, I can only imagine how much harder it was for mum to ward these DVDs and know she couldn't be there with her family. I can't bear the thought of the boys not knowing their family properly. I have to change that.

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