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The the need is unbalanced...

It might just be the hormones, or maybe that I'm sitting here in the pitch black of the bedroom in a quiet house with a baby sleeping bum-in-the-air style next to me, but I'm feeling a terrible sense of vulnerability tonight...

Last Wednesday my lovely therapist pointed out the blindingly obvious to me, but somehow something I'd missed in all my self-reflecting, that there is an unevenness in mine and Dave's need for one another. Or at least in expressed needs. I seem to have more needs than him.

Sex is the first to spring to mind, he just doesn't seem to need it at all, and not from me in any case (though I very much doubt he needs it from anyone else either). I also need him to get a license. I need him to see to his health. He has not expressed any needs from me at all.

Gosh, why does that make me cry?

He just this self-reliant guy, or something??? Maybe he just has very low expectations, I don't know. Maybe I already meet all his needs - I wish it felt like that.

Somehow, I managed to push this aside this week. My therapist had asked me how it felt, to not have anything to bargain with, to use as leverage to get what I need. I didn't have a real answer because I hadn't thought about it... Tonight I know how it feels. It feels empty, like I'm not very important because I have nothing to offer of value to him. I have nothing to bring to this relationship that he couldn't provide for himself.

There is nothing really bad about our relationship. We don't fight a lot. I have a lot of frustration, but we get along quite well, it's just that there is no sense of "us" in this relationship not that I can put my finger on at least. And that's not the whole truth either. It's hard to explain. I love him, I feel that he loves me, but something is amiss. Like threads missing in a tapestry, from afar it doesn't seem to affect the overall picture, but get up a bit closer and the missing threads become glaringly obvious.

Why do I feel like I have nothing of value, in his eyes to bring to our relationship?

Comments

Stitch Sista said…
I reckon if the truth be told he probably needs YOU very much. Maybe even more than you need him.

Emotionally men don't do very well post separation, whereas women often do a lot better. Not saying that is where you are heading, but that is where you would find out exactly how big each other's needs are.

I remember trying to pin G on what it was he actually loved about me before we got married. And inarticulate male that he is, he couldn't really do it. Does that mean he doesn't love me or need me? The fact that he is by my side tells me everything I need to know.

Do you know what it's like to actually *be* with a 'needy' person. I'm not talking about a person like youself who has needs, but the suffocating variety of needy...I don't think you'd actually enjoy or respect that person much.

Anyway I could harp on and on here, but suffice to say I suspect this unevenness is somewhat superficial. Not to say your *needs* are superfical or unimportant, but I don't think it takes into account all the ways people need one another.

Just my take on things...sorry if I've missed the mark.
Sif said…
No, I can't say I've any really needy people in my life, I tend to be the needy one. Actually, one of the reasons I stayed with Dave was because he pursued me at a time when I had decided not to pursue the relationship, just let it go (because I'd moved interstate to study, and didn't want to relive the whole long distance debacle I'd been through in two previous longterm relationships)..

I know that in some way he needs me, but it's more like, if I went away he'd miss me, but when I'm home, when I'm there, I have nothing to offer, except just being there. Hahahaha, I'm kind of like the television being on as background noise. I'm the babbling voices in the background that stop him feeling lonely, but that he's not really taking any notice of. Or that's how it feels, anyway...
Bin said…
Oh Sif, reading this post particularly, I feel that yours and Dave's relationship is the flip side of my marriage... Not just the sex but that's definitely a part of it. No idea what to say to make it better (if there is such a thing) but some of your postings really do help me to get a sense of where Michael's coming from (because of course he's male so I can't get it from him!!!) I know that Michael doesn't like that I feel I don't *need* him, but I personal prefer that someone doesn't *need* me but chooses to be with me anyway, and I don't feel that from him at all, I often feel he's only here *because* he needs me. Don't know if *that's* the same for you guys at all, but there you are. (((((hugs)))))
Sif said…
I hear what you're saying, Bin, but I don't know if it is the same, because I don't really feel like being with me is choice for him, so much as just the status quo. Does that make sense. I don't feel he is actively choosing me, it's just that he isn't choosing anyone or anything else...
Stitch Sista said…
Sif I would almost think that for a man that is one and the same.

The flip side is that Dave could think, oh she just needs me because I can do a, b, c for her, rather than because she actually *wants* me.

Which is better? I honestly don't know.
Amanda O. said…
Aw Sif, I'm sorry you're feeling so low... it's a lousy feeling to feel alone in a relationship and like you've nothing to offer or any value. I've no idea what to say except to say maybe it would benefit Dave to know how you're feeling if not in direct conversation (where he'd feel the need to give a response right away without composing his thoughts and thinking on things) then maybe it'd be worth showing him this post and letting him think of a response? I know sometimes when I'm having a bugger of a time communicating what is in my head with N sometimes writing it out where we don't have the need for instant replys helps.

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