It might just be the hormones, or maybe that I'm sitting here in the pitch black of the bedroom in a quiet house with a baby sleeping bum-in-the-air style next to me, but I'm feeling a terrible sense of vulnerability tonight...
Last Wednesday my lovely therapist pointed out the blindingly obvious to me, but somehow something I'd missed in all my self-reflecting, that there is an unevenness in mine and Dave's need for one another. Or at least in expressed needs. I seem to have more needs than him.
Sex is the first to spring to mind, he just doesn't seem to need it at all, and not from me in any case (though I very much doubt he needs it from anyone else either). I also need him to get a license. I need him to see to his health. He has not expressed any needs from me at all.
Gosh, why does that make me cry?
He just this self-reliant guy, or something??? Maybe he just has very low expectations, I don't know. Maybe I already meet all his needs - I wish it felt like that.
Somehow, I managed to push this aside this week. My therapist had asked me how it felt, to not have anything to bargain with, to use as leverage to get what I need. I didn't have a real answer because I hadn't thought about it... Tonight I know how it feels. It feels empty, like I'm not very important because I have nothing to offer of value to him. I have nothing to bring to this relationship that he couldn't provide for himself.
There is nothing really bad about our relationship. We don't fight a lot. I have a lot of frustration, but we get along quite well, it's just that there is no sense of "us" in this relationship not that I can put my finger on at least. And that's not the whole truth either. It's hard to explain. I love him, I feel that he loves me, but something is amiss. Like threads missing in a tapestry, from afar it doesn't seem to affect the overall picture, but get up a bit closer and the missing threads become glaringly obvious.
Why do I feel like I have nothing of value, in his eyes to bring to our relationship?
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