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So, I think I'm suffering from existential angst...

I joked the other day that when Bryn throws tantrums Dave doesn't consider them tantrums but claims Bryn is merely writhing in existential angst... LOL, well, after last night's post, and the crisis I was feeling over the ability to choose to do my best to follow an ideology, something I've done countless times in the past decade or more, but then feeling the weight of the responsibiity of the choices I make, as well as a sense of meaninglessness about those choices in the scheme of things, I'm now thinking that I'm basically just curling up inside my own existential angst...

Which shits me really because I don't consider myself to be that way inclined. I'm usually quite happy to just expect my best of myself with whatever resources I have at hand.

I'm thinking this has to be some sort of hormonal imbalance again.

Of course, I'm constantly struggling with my hormones, because basically I'm a hormonal mess much of the time. I have periods of being and feeling on top of things. I know what will create balance within me, an yet I don't seem to be able to hold onto that balance, and when I'm out of balance I struggle to have enough strength to wrench myself back into balance.

Outside influences tend to help. If I have something external to focus on, to climb toward, an ideal, then I tend to be able to uncurl myself enough to be able to make use of my arms and legs to move forward, if you know what I mean.

Only thing is, this reaching for an ideal mentally and emotionally exhausting work, and when the rewards are fresh and new and shiny, lke having more energy, or feeling in control, it's all good, but those feelings never last because, well, life is not a straight, smooth, sealed road, is it...

When things move to a lower ebb, even only a slightly lower ebb, I find myself suddenly plummeting into this place where I question everything, and criticise my own worth because I'm not living the ideal in every area of my life, and then I give up, and become angry and rebellious, and then I feel childish and pathetic and useless, like I feel right now...

I'm not even sure ideals are that great. Ideals guarantee failure because it is impossible to EVER reach and maintain an ideal. Being human, we constanty screw up. Ideally, LOL, we'd just say, well, near enough is good enough, but that's just another ideal, isn't it? Near enough doesn't FEEL good enough to me at all.

And then there is the whole element of people who like to talk about their journey towards the ideal. They have every right to do that, and on good days, these people are bloody inspiring! Other days though, it completely FEELS like they're aim is to rub the rest of our collective noses in how lacking in concern and consciousness we are! I'm SURE that is that is not the intention, but there you go, another HUMAN foible. Ideally, I would be able to see only the positive in someone else talking about their own ideals and their journey towards attaining the ideal, but these people's shining light casts shadows all around me... Shadows created by me getting iin the way of the shining light that is the ideal, me getting in the way of myself basking int he shining light of the ideal, LOL...

I laugh, not because I think it's funny, but because I feel embarrassed about my inability to be happy with my best efforts. For others it seems to be enough to just be trying to do their best on any given day. For me, that is never enough. I feel very much that not being able to reach and maintain the ideal makes even trying an insult. I know that's not rational...

And now I'm too tired to keep this thought process going...

Comments

clelkaje said…
Whenever I get too angsty about this sort of stuff I like to think of the Dalai Lama, who laughs when he tell people he eats meat - because although he tries, he is only human and not perfect.

I'm not Buddist but I love the sentiment!

Trying isn't the insult, it's those damn perfectionists that are insulting of MY RIGHT TO LIVE MY LIFE IN PEACE and occasionally EAT A BIT OF COOKED FOOD hehehe says she with the raw-food vegan in-laws :)

May your hormones give you a moment's peace sometime soon, Sif.
HipbubbyMama said…
My friend gave me a card for my 20th birthday which said "Now you aren't a teenager any more, you are no longer allowed to suffer from teenage existential angst!" LOL And actually i pretty much did stop. LOL. Because i realised it was pointless.Quickest way to make yourself forever miserable (unless you are a goth or emo who wants to be perpetually miserable!)I'm still prone to moments of depression and self loathing, and envy of others who seem to handle stuff better than I do..but hey it cant be all good all the time, and when i think about it logically I see that often the people i envy for having one part of their life under control, aren't doing as well as me in another area. you know? (haha!!)

Erm..I dunno if that was any use at all, but there you go :)
Leah said…
It's ok to be in flux, even though feeling grounded is more pleasant, there is a reason and purpose for the mixed up feelings as well!

For one, how are you meant to practise your grounding and reigning in tactics unless you spin out once in awhile? :) Gotta have those skills fine tuned in case some big stuff goes down!!

*hugs*
Sif said…
OL, thanks guys, I think I've figured it out this afternoon...

Ok, this is it... I can't handle the negative energy. I can't handle the constant focus on all that is wrong all the time... It just doesn't suit my way of being in this existence. I'm one who is usually optimistic, not pessimistic, and so to focus on trying not to be a bad thing in this existence forces me to change how I perceive the Universe, it forces me to see the glass as half empty and constantly needing to be refilled, instead of half full and never empty...
casso said…
I thin one of the flaws inyour underlying argument is that ideals guarantee failure. To me the concept of an ideal is not to elevate me to the height of the ideal state but to remove me from the existence that stagnates without ideals. So instead of being upset that I am not an organic raw food vegan (LOL, as an example!) I am instead so pleased that I can see the benefits of a life like that rather than belittle it. And that I am making MY steps towards something like it that are positive for me. Does that make sense? Ideals are there to lift us higher, not necessarily to make us fly.
Sif said…
Hehehe, Cass, if you look through old posts of mine at AB, you'll find your last line paraphrased many times! I do believe this, if I didn't I wouldn't have become the parent I have become over the years. Sometims though, the perfectionist in me stamps her foot and says, if you can't do it perfectly then don't bother at all! Second best is not good enough...

Then I wake up to myself, as I have done now... Like I said... Hormones...

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