Sunday, August 12, 2007

Feeling so lost...

Saw the psychic last night, she was very good, very accurate. Couldn't tell me anything about having another baby, except that my guides say there is a lack of communication between Dave and I, that I can't make people change, and that I have enough on my plate. Pretty much sounds like it ain't going to happen... While talking to the psychic lady I found myself saying something I hadn't vocalised yet. That basically I was wondering what was wrong with me that I was staying with Dave when almost everyone I know would have left by now... I felt so sad saying it...

Anyway, after the reading I had a couple of Cowboys with the rest of the girls, very much just trying to gloss over my rather raw feelings... Got home at about 11pm, I guess, I don't know... Dave asked how it went and I basically just burst into tears, telling him I feel like such an idiot.



If you have a look at this time line I've made up you can see the periods within our relationship when we HAVEN'T been intimate (they're marked in pink)... So, as you can see, that's MOST of our relationship. This is NOT thanks to a low libido on my part.

I mean, how stupid, pathetic and just down right gutless do I have to be to stay in a relationship with a partner to has THIS little interest in me...

As well as that... I've always wanted a large family. He thinks three children is a large family, and really, I can't argue with that. I didn't think I'd want more children after Bryn, but I do. I feel like I'm so wrong for wanting another children. I'm greedy and ungrateful. He made it very clear last night that he definitely does not want any more children, and he never will.

I said I just can't continue to live with him under these circumstances. He's not interested in me, and he doesn't want the same stuff I want. He, of course, does claim to be interested in me, but what with chasing after kids and what not, he's just so stretched he doesn't have anything left over when it comes to showing an interest. I'm sorry, but that really sucks, but well, it's going to be 20 years before the kids are all moved out.

He said he'd be interested in trying to regain the relationship we had before the kids, but I just don't believe him. In all these years he's done NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING to back those words up. We've been on 2-3 "dates" and on those occassions I organised the baby sitters, decided where we would eat, and basically told him the when, where and how of it... So, now he reckons he is going to make and effort, and wants to know if I'd be interested in that.

I'm just feeling so angry and resentful, like finally, after all this time an absess has burst and all this puss is spewing forth. I don't feel like spending time with him atm, hell, I don't feel like looking at him atm. After all these years of anguish, and rejection, and creating my own world of hopes and dreams to get me through, he's suddenly now interested, but in order to accept that, I have to give up hope of every having any more children. Ever...

I just don't know if I can do that.

I feel so tired and angry and hurt and lost.

This really sucks...

7 comments:

Juniper said...

Huge hugs Sif. We discussed this yesterday, and my thoughts are with you whatever you decide you want to do in the long run. I have total empathy for you, and know that looking at a future possibly without intimacy *or* more children must feel pretty bleak at times.

I think it is great that he has said he wants to make the effort now, but lets see if he "puts his money where his mouth is", this is what I always say to people I know and love when they promise me something that I am afraid they can't deliver!

Hugs Sif - good luck sorting through what is in your head ... You can chat with me any time you want!

katef said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom that might help... but I don't. Facing such an impasse especially on subjects to fundamentally important and personal for both of you must feel like such a huge abyss to get over.... maybe with time both of you will see the right way to go forward for everyone?

Amanda O. said...

Aw Sif, this is such a hard thing, as it doesn't seem like there's any outcome which is going to be what you want it to be. I have absolutely no answers... I do think it's probably a good thing that all of it has come out into the open, as much as it probably doesn't really feel like it. You're a strong person, determined and you know yourself which are traits that will help you find your path and go on it, whatever it ends up being. If you need a break or to talk or coffee or whatever, lmk... always up for a chat. ;-) (Promise to even let you get a word in edgewise... *G*)

Katy said...

Well maybe now the 'cyst' has popped it will heal quicker, YK like the real life ones.

I hope he comes through for you and this can all open the lines of dialogue further.

HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!!!

Rae said...

HUGS Sif. I hope this is the road to working out what you both want and getting it. You deserve it.

clelkaje said...

Hugs Sif, it sounds realy hard, especially as it is all ending up on your shoulders...best wishes lovely xx

casso said...

Wow Sif, that sounds so huge and so overwhelming. :o( I guess that as the others have said, by having it out there and in the open there is more chance of there being a resolution, no matter what direction that takes you in. If it's any consolation a friend of mine with two children (6 & 3yrs) has just started seeing another man and is now 7wks pregnant because he wants at least one child with her. So don't give up hope all round. :o)

Love Cass

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