Thursday, August 30, 2007

Something is wrong...

And I don't know what the hell it is! I started getting this feeling of dread last night, or doom, or something... It's a very uneasy feeling that isn't allowing me to concentrate on anything in particular... I feel like crying but have nothing to cry about and so can't cry... I'm wondering if it is hormonal. Had my cycle stayed on it's proper path than I should have been CD1 today, which would have totally explained the dip in mood last night...

I feel like someone is dying or has died, but that doesn't describe anyone I know.

Bryn is being very demanding today. I'm refusing to put on a DVD, and he is sitting in the chair next to me pleading for food, he's had toast with honey, cheerios, sultanas and apricots and a biscuit. He's had lots of booby, and has been offered water, but doesn't want it... I know he's bored because I'm on the computer, and yet I can't face doing anything else because of this feeling.

I tried distracting myself by organising a gift for a friend, this always makes me feel much better and it did for a few minutes. Then I got distracted when looking at the local gym for costs and creche details (thinking maybe if I got some regulated exercise I'd feel better) and saw the kids holiday program, so thought I'd check that out for the boys (holidays in about three weeks)... Then remembered a friend has sent her kids to the community arts centre last holidays, and they also have a great program, but it's all so expensive, so now I'm anxious about how we could possibly afford to let them do anything...

And there are my studies, which I've also been thinking about this morning. I know what I need to do and I know I'll do it and on time, but why am I not doing it now...

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? It's a beautiful day outside!!! I don't get it, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Last night I sent the boys to bed with no dinner, again... Erik had lied to me on the way home, for fun! Not even to get out of trouble, just to see if I'd fall for the lie, or so it feels.

We have an appointment to get him assessed next Wednesday, but I'm beginning to think they won't find anything and then it'll be, "This is just his personality and a stage and he'll get through it, and you need to stop projecting issues onto him". What if that's the case? What if he's just fine and it's us who have the problem because somehow we just don't know how to parent at all and not getting through to him is our fault because we're not imaginative enough to figure it out?

I really hate that I can't trust him, even when he seems to be being helpful. Last night he told me I could just go to the toilet and he'd get Bryn out of the stroller, but in fact, he was setting things up so that he could nick some cereal out of a box I'd opened on the way home to prove the Bryn that it wasn't Cheerios... Because I'd given Bryn some of the cereal in his hand, Erik had asked for some too, but I'd said no, because he'd just had a snack and we were about to eat dinner, and well, quite frankly I don't want him eating cereal straight out of the box, yes, even though I gave Bryn some cereal. There is a difference between a 2 year old who needs pacifying so we can get home with the least amount of fuss, and an 8 year old who just wants because someone else has had, but can well wait 30 minutes until dinner is served...

Argh! Why am I feeling so crap right now? Things are mostly going my way, I should be feel good... What's wrong? I wish whatever it was would just speak up, so I could deal with it!

6 comments:

loz said...

massive hugs

katef said...

would it help if you had a good yell, then a good cry then went outside in the sunshine to revive??? *hugs* hope it passes soon.

Bin said...

(((((hugs))))) could it just be the dip because of the change in your eating? Hope you can find your way out of it soon, it sucks feeling crap when you know there's no real reason but you can't stop it...

Nic,Beren & Freya said...

(hugs) I actually second having a good cry or a yell to get it all out, sometimes it does do wonders.

Sif said...

Thanks guys :)

I took the Millionaire option and called a friend, which made a huge difference, so thanks friend!!!

And then I bought some chocolate... So, ok, not doing vegan today, but will get back on board tomorrow...

loz said...

Sif just had a thought reading your last post could you be detoxing a little since going vegan? Hence the emotional day?

Teenagers and the failing parent...