At the bottom of the Garden

First up (before I get to why the title of this blog is what it is)... I have TWO ambidextrous children! I am ambidextrous myself, though, yes, I do (out of habit) choose to write with my right hand. My mum is ambidextrous as well, I think. Dave is a left hander, but not a true leftie (for example he uses a knife and fork like most right handed people, as does his mum, but his dad is a true leftie)...

Anyway, I discovered the other week that Erik is ambidextrous when one day he showed me that he can write just as clearly with both hands... And then yesterday Luey did the same. Here you can see him writing a story with a blue and a red crayon.

As you can see, he wrote all the red letters with his right hand, and all the blue letters with his left hand (and can I just say, for a six year old BOY, he has quite neat writing, in fact, his writing is neater than mine was when I was 7 or 8!)... So, who knew, but there you go! Now, to be fair, like me, both the boys do mostly choose to…

Ok, for the next little bit, I'm going to sound like the lovely, but disturbed protagonist in the Aussie move, "Angel Baby"...

I've been getting messages about me for the past few days...

These messages have come from different sources but they all say very similar things...

I'm very fortunate (in a luck sense), things go my way.
I'm powerful and am learning to manage my power without being offensive to others.
I'm in tune with what the Universe is about and wants for me.
I'm going places, I'll be successful in whatever I do.
I'm a teacher.
I'm a healer.
I need freedom and autonomy.
I'm compassionate and a nurturer.
I make things happen, am an agent of change.

These same messages have been presented to me in various different ways but all seem to say the same things over and over, as if I'm needing to pay attention (or as if I'm too thick to get it)...

So, now I'm saying, yes, I hear you! Everything in my life, all my little worries an…

Well, this is my blog, so suck it up...

Dave and I talked again last night. It wasn't good. Well, not to begin with anyway. He reitterated that his feelings really hadn't changed since August, and well I hadn't listened then (because I went and got the Agender plan)... He still wasn't saying no though, but he was clear that this wasn't something he'd choose.

Gawd, I was really upset, but kept it under wraps, at least until he went down the street to get fish and chips for us (boys all in bed), and a little bag of lollies for me - yeah, yeah, I know this doesn't do my weightloss efforts any good, but there you go...

He came back, we ate, we talked some more, and basically came to the place where he doesn't really want any more kids, but doesn't want me to be miserable, and I really do want another one (to try for a girl) but don't want to make him miserable.

I think he was waiting for me to be the martyr and say, "Ok, I'm deciding we won…

Ok, I talked to Dave last night...

He didn't say yes.

He didn't say no, either.

He listened intently to the process at which I came to agender and what they'd said, and he said it was all very interesting. He was very affectionate, LOL, holding my hand and so on... He made jokes about winning the lotto so we could get a cleaner and a cook and a gardner and a cheffeur... He didn't say yes, and he didn't say no.

This morning I reminded him he hadn't given me an answer and he said he couldn't give me an answer because he'd just woken up...

I guess we can play this game of cat and mouse for a while longer, but sooon I need to know because if he says yes, I need to order the supplement for him and I believe it takes a number of weeks to be delivered.

I have to prepare myself for what I'll do if he says no.

I was expecting to feel elated and jazzed when I read my plan, but instead I'm feeling kind of disappointed and dejected.

My mostly likely girl times go as follows:

24th of January - 2nd of February
21st of February - 27th of February

11th of June - 13th of June
9th of July - 13th of July - good for both Dave and myself wrt girl times

8th of September - 13th of September

All the months inbetween are not favourable for conceiving a girl.
So all the months except July, would be times when one of us is in strong girl territory and the other is neutral, I guess...

It seems though, that in the past, even when things have been favourable with regard to times; biorhythms and moon phases and the like, we've still managed to conceive boys. So, Cindy reckons a strong attempt is needed even when things seem favourable time wise.

Diet wise, there is a lot we can do. Dave needs to cut right back on caffeine, only one cup a day, that includes coffeine, tea, green tea and herbal teas. He can altern…

Ok, didn't feel so bouncy this morning when I woke up. Felt quite stressed really, as did Jayne. The MAP/BaBs meeting we'd had last week had gone so well that I had *STUPIDLY* suggested we do it through the holidays. I checked with the front office and they were cool with that, and so we were set to go. Only thing was, come this morning, I was all in a panick about how much I HAVEN'T done of my poetry assignment (that a I got an extension for last week), and how little cleaning I'd done now that the skip has arrive, and blah, blah, blah... Not to mention worrying how I'd go corralling the boys...

Try to organise to cancel the meet, especially when Jayne called and said she'd double booked herself as well, but it wasn't going to happen, so we both ended up going, LOL, and in the end there were only four of us there with Amanda and Deb as well.

The boys kept me on my toes, and as a result Erik and Luey are having an early night tonight, but for a few minut…

It's like being thrust back 12 months... Back to the dark old days of trying to cope with homeschooling three kids...

I had plans of doing things differently this time, but I don't know if it's going to happen. We don't have any money for one... I've got so much stuff to do for another... But I've got to figure something out because another day like today can't happen...

The boys went out to play this morning and were in the back yard, and that was fine. They came in for a bit, and then went out again. I was constantly checking on them, because, well they are my kids and I know them quite well, LOL... Had to keep an eye out for what they thought was suitable to take outside in the way of toys...

They went out again and were kicking a ball around in the front yard, and it occurred to me that I might have to remind them not to chase the ball onto the road if it bounced out that way, so I got up and checked out the front window, and lo and behold, there th…

Gawd, I feel so out of it!

I have had a head cold this week, and that will do it, but I just don't feel myself - which is kinda funny in light of having "lost" my identity this week. I feel like I've entered some alternative Universe!

I realised this morning that, of course, I haven't participated on AB much at all for the past week because it's been all bunged up, as well as that I've been preoccupied with all things related to finding my identity again. Then there is the whole surreal pseudo-communication of Facebook, which I can't decide if I like or loathe... Yes, it's fun to catch up with old friends, and send strange and interesting pressies and quests to other people, but it's also just a huge and frivolous waste of time time and energy that I really can't afford. But being out of touch with friends and acquaintences for various other reasons has meant I've felt the need to participate on facebook in order to stay "in con…

I hadn't even thought to check, until Jayne told me she was contacted by someone from her past the other day! Now of course, because I've changed my name so much over the years, no would ever find me on facebook unless they knew what my latest (and final) incarnation was.

Anyway, I had this problem that I'd forgotten most all of my friends surnames, but I took a stab at one friend who's name I remembered because it was a bit unusual, and there she was, and in her contacts were my other friends!!!

Now, I wonder if they remember me, we're talking 20 years ago now!

I just can't believe it! I never thought I'd see these people ever again (even just as an image on the net), and there they are, living their lives on the other side of the globe!

I really need to attract these thing right now... Especially with assignments and the holidays looming. We're supposed to be having a house inspection in the next fortnight as well. This week has been stressful, but the stress of it didn't really hit until Thursday night. I started having panick attacks at that time, and also started coming down with a head cold. Yesterday I somehow managed to hold things together, but today I'm feeling very scattered.

Was going to attempt a clean up of the house which has fallen into ruin in the past few months (much like my body, interestingly enough)... Instead, I'm going to the blessingway of a mum from BaBs. I'm totally not prepared for this today, but really do like this woman and want to support her at this time.

So, as I tried to rush around the house after deciding to go, and tried to clean up, and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of tiredness. Dave felt the same way and so when I called the Skip guy to find out if …

Well, it's Friday today, the last day of term 3 at school, and unfortunately Dave had to come the heavy with Erik's teacher...

On Wednesday morning Dave approached Erik's teacher about the choking incident (Erik was choked by two boys because he went and stood between them and a girl they were picking on. Erik then went to tell a teacher's aid who was on yard duty, but the other boys got to her first and told her Erik had attack them, and Erik ended up being told off, while nothing happened to the other boys.)...

Dave said he wanted Erik's teacher to look into it, and he wanted the other two boys properly disciplined (whatever that meant)... On Thursday morning Dave talked to the teacher again and he hadn't done anything about it, so Dave reitterated what he thought the teacher should be doing; having a talk with the boys, and hoped to hear that the teacher had acted by Thursday afternoon...

Thursday afternoon (so, yesterday), I went to pick Erik and Luey up fro…

Dave discovered a call from Burwood Police station on our messages this morning, and it seems someone had handed my wallet into the police there. So, I call them and whomever handed it in, found it and handed in COMPLETELY INTACT!!! Yep, even the money was in there!

I don't know what to make of it... I KNOW I left it in the shop, because I know I left the shop with only the drinks and snacks I bought, so I definitely didn't drop it outside. So, either, the guy who was served after me handed it into Burwood police, or the shopkeeper had a pang of conscience and did it himself...

Either way, whoo hoo!!!

I'm still heading into the city today to have my Keypass updated, because I think that has a been an important wake up call for me.

On a more spiritual level, I think something Leah said about having to fight to get my identity back really struck a cord... I think maybe the Universe is telling me it's time to completely let go of Claudette Michelle Yr Nason, and embrace …

Ok, so after the worst night sleep I've had since night weaning Bryn - I actually thought I was going to have to get up to throw up at one point! - I dragged myself out of bed at 7am to print out some pages from my online account to prove I have access to it, and therefore must be the owner of the account, or someone who knows her really well! (and is therefore known to the owner so can be found in the event it's fraud, i.e. I'd have to be stupid to front up to the bank!!!)...

We tried to find our marriage certificate and the boys' birth certificates, but in Dave's hovel study, he could only find Erik and Luey's and his own birth certificates... So, after a couple of hours of stressing about what that might mean in my attempt to prove I'm me, we decided to cut out losses and just go to the police station.

Before we left, I called the Vic registry of births, deaths and marriages, and found out if I had a police report and a stat dec. and a medicare card (luc…

On paper that is.

I had my wallet stolen this afternoon. That is, I went into a milk bar to buy some water, took the water out to Jayne's car and we left, when for a drive, went to go through a drivethrough and then I realised I didn't have my wallet. I'd left it at the milkbar. So, we drove back to the milk bar and I went in and asked for my wallet, which I'd left on the counter right in front of the milk bar owner guy. He said I didn't leave it there. He said I must have left it in another shop. I suggested maybe the guy who had come into the shop after me might have taken it, but the owner said that guy just bought milk and didn't take my wallet. I thought it was funny that the guy was both certain I didn't leave it behind and certain the other guy didn't take it. I know I left it on the counter in plain view. So, I'm thinking the milk bar owner guy took it himself. The entire $60 in it...

The $60 doesn't bother me. Well, it does but…

For those of you who don't visit Alternativebaby regularly

This is what Bryn just said to Dave, I kid you not!



Bryn had just asked for a biscuit, but had mangled the word when he said it and asked for a "dibspit"



Dave said, "So, you want a dibspit do you?" and laughed...



Bryn nodded his head and say, "Yup"



So, Dave said it again for effect, "You sure you want a "DIBSPIT"?"



To which Bryn indignantly replied, "Don't be an idiot!"



Now, we think it was just a reflex, he's heard Dave and I say it to Erik and Luey at different times, and has probably figured out the context (when they're being very silly!), and so it's stored in there in his subconscious, only this time it reflexively just came out!



Dave and I just looked at each other in shock and burst out laughing!!!

Bryn running and calling Dave when the time on the stove went off, "Dadda, Dinna! Tasty Fisssshhhh!" (he really does love fish, and helped me finish mine when he'd scoffed his down).

Bryn recognising the Dr Who theme music and perking up (no, he doesn't usually watch it, he was just up late tonight, and yes, I shield his eyes for anything potentially not nice), declaring, "Doc Tor!", then he put his face right up against mine with his eyes popped right open and whispered something in baby-fairy-ese that was obviously TOP SECRET! Then giggled!

Took Luey to the library with me today, leaving Bryn at home with Erik and Dave - and Bryn was waving and smiling and say, "Byeee" even before I left. Was really nice to spend some time alone with my middle boy. I've found each boy is completely different when on their own. Well, not completely different, but somehow more themselves, less aware of competing for our attention. So, we went to the libra…

Here are my boys all together waiting for dinner to be served. Erik is reading one of his self-created books to the other two... It was one of those moment for family harmony that I just had to catch on, erm, well not film, obviously, let's say on my blog!

And here are Luey and Bryn sharing a icecube tray of sultanas! I'm forced to buy the plain old individual serving size boxes of sultanas for Bryn as he won't have a bar of the boys' "exotic" sultana and apple/pineapple/apricot mixes... I've tried taking out the offending "other" fruits, but he seems to feel the sultanas are badly enough contaminated from being in contact with the other dried fruits that he generally will only eat one or two before tossing the rest indignantly on the floor.

He didn't like having to fish them out of the little box either, was fine until he got deep into the box and then got rather frustrated with sultanas that was "stuck" as he put it, beyond the…

Well, it feels like I've been swimming under water, holding my breath all week in order to get the two assignments done that were due this afternoon. The first was three poems and a quick write up of one poet's life and poetry, including a review of one poem of said poet that I like and why I like it... So, I chose Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and her poem, "Lord Walter's Wife" which is a discussion between a man and a married woman where the woman accuses the man and his ilk of objectify women. Fascinating reading!

The other assignment was writing a children's picture book, for which I wrote a poem of 16 four lined verses about a piglet who is accident prone because he doesn't think before he acts, and how he comes to change his ways. Yeah, yeah, it's totally tied in with my experiences with Erik...

And I don't get a break now, but tomorrow morning it's off to the library to get books on Emily Dickinson, and then writing up a group of poems …

Erik came home this afternoon excited to show me a mini book he made from just one piece of A4 paper, it was cleverly designed and I asked him who showed him how to do it, and he said he made it up himself. I was very excited by this. Erik is very good with paper and creating objects out of paper, it´s somewhat of a hobby of his... So, I suggested I take a series of photos of the 'how to' for making the book and I´d post it on my blog.

I took these photos...











As you can see, the steps come increasingly complicated, a bit too complicated for an 8 year old to figure out on his own, I thought... I asked Erik if he was sure he figured it out by himself, and that the teacher didn´t show him. He was adamant it was his own design and told me the story about how he figured it out, and how he showed the teacher and the teacher put the directions on the board... Call it mother´s instinct, I had to google 'make a book from A4 paper' and right there on the second page of result…

Haven't blogged for a couple of days because I've felt a bit overwhelmed with life. So many thoughts going through my head.

Now, I hadn't updated about my assignment since early Friday morning. Later that morning I called mum and as it turned out the entire unit have been given a two week extension, not just the one week extention I already knew about, so in fact, I'd handed the assignment in on time, yay for me!

But then mum rang that evening, to talk to me about my assignment. She'd shown it to my lecturer who has said it was good "draft"! OMG, draft??? Yes, that is what my mm told me. She went on to say the lecturer was happy with the content but I needed to format it according to the Uni style guide. At this point I said to mum that I'd done that. She said, "Yes, but you have some parts in point form. I realise this isn't an essay, but you still can't use point form in an assignment like that."

I couldn't understand, I …

We just got back the forms from Erik's teacher for his assessment for behavioural issues. This was the teacher who said in his opinion (his expert medical opinion, NOT), we were barking up the wrong tree and Erik didn't have any kind of medical issue, like ADHD... He was actually very firm on this point, he felt Erik knew the rules and actively chose not to follow them, rather than Erik having impulse control issues.

Anyway, I asked him to fill the form in as honestly as possible and to saying whatever he believed on reflection to be true...

The first lot of questions I looked over made me laugh out loud... There were four questions about Erik's level of learning and his enjoyment in class, and the teacher had to reply:

1 = much less (than peers)2 = somewhat less3 = slightly less4 = about average5 = slightly more6 = somewhat more7 = much moreQ1. How hard is he'she working : A = 2
Q2. How appropriate is he/she behaving : A = 1
Q3. How much is he/she learning : A = 4
Q4. Ho…

I've been thinking about this concept of "having a healthy baby is the most important thing!" Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'd wish illness or disability on any of my children, but really, is being healthy the MOST important thing, and is it fair to tell a mother than whatever she wishes is always secondary to having a healthy baby.

Another way to put it... If a woman wishes for a particular kind of birth and doesn't get it, or a woman wishes for a particularly gendered child and doesn't get it, is it FAIR to say, "At least your baby is healthy?" I mean, ok, to all those people who think that a child should not be a "disappointment" because of how they ended up being born, or because of the gender they are, would you happily accept a child with a challenge; perhaps Down Syndrome, or Reflux, or Asthma, or ADD, or Autism? It's ok to be disappointed and to wish that a child did not have those things, but it's not…

Ok, just in here to record that I FINALLY finished that literature critical exercise last night (ok, EARLY this morning) and sent it on to mum (the external studies co-ordinator)... Unfortunately, when I was double checking the email details for handing in the assignment, I discovered it should have been handed in at the end of week 5, that was LAT FRIDAY, not today. ARGH!!! Took me an hour to get to sleep after realising I'd just handed my assignment in a week late. Have to call mum this morning and find out what the penalty will be. I think I'll probably still get a mark, but it might only be a pass/fail mark, instread of a percentage. Bugger, how did I let that happen??? Why did I put the assignment due date down as week 6 on my assignment calender???

In more positive news, I got a positive OPK result this morning, on CD14!!! That means I'll ovulate some time in the next 24-48 hours, which, in fact, would be a LATER ovulation time than usual for me, because usual…

Have been inspired by a friend, and have borrowed her brain in order to do this blog today... Here is a scan of a healthy adult brain, beautiful isn't it...



Here is a scan taken of my brain when I was 18... It ain't half surprising that two previous scans of my brain went *missing*, and this one went "walkabout" for a month (into University lecture halls), before I got it back - after threatening violence upon my Dr... When he brought me in to discuss the scan, he didn't say anything for a few minutes, just start there staring at me, until finally I said, "So???", and he went, "Hmmm, I'm not sure exactly how to tell you this, but half your brain is missing, and you shouldn't be able to walk or talk..." Good thing no one told me that when I was born, huh?





I actually find it quite confronting to look at these scans, and only bring them out once in a blue moon, but well, seeing as I'd recently referred to my unusual brain structure,…

This is mostly copied and pasted from a reply to a thread on a parenting board, so my apologies to anyone who as already (mostly) read this...

We had the assessment this morning. The Dr was lovely, and basically interviewed us about our family and about Erik, including checking for any other issues that might impact on his behaviour (she didn't say as much, but having had counsellors as parents I was aware of what she was trying to find out)... At one point she did ask if anyone in either of mine or Dave's families had exhibited similar lack of impulse control and sensory overstimulation and despite saying I wouldn't tell, I did say Erik was a lot like me as a child, and I had been assessed as having ADD at age 18. She asked about how I was assessed, and seemed happy with my reply. I told her there was a big question mark over my assessment though because of my unusual brain structure (for those of you who don't know, about 1/3 of my brain is not there, as in is liq…

It's been an emotionally intense week here...

Dave and I have been emotionally closer in the last little while, which has been really nice, but all this emotional intensity also seems to heighten sensitivity to other emotions as well...

The other night there wasn't anything on tv, so we watched a DVD Dave bought a while back that we hadn't watch yet, "Out of Africa" - the likelhood is that you've seen this movie starring Meryl Streep and Robert Redford (before he became just far too old to be sexy anymore)... The movie was based on the memoirs of Isak Dinesen, danish author (who was the Baroness Karen von Blixen-Finecke)...

Anyway, by the end of the movie, I felt such sadness for this woman who lost everything she lived for; children, her farm, and the love of her life. I can't explain why it affected me so much, except to say that I probably fear living a life like hers quite a bit! Which isn't a good thing, because if you focus on not riding into th…

WARNING: If you believe conceiving children should be left up to the gods, and should a romantic moment with a "let's just wait and see" attitude, you might not want to read on...

So, here I am in full swing LOAing my way to my daughter. I'm signed up with a-gender and have just recently discovered the In-gender forums. In there low-tech gender selection sub-forum I'm been learning all about the effects of diet on cm, as well as learning new terms like TBM, Spliming, why latex condoms are not good for collecting sperm, how lubricants such as Replens and Rephresh (which I don't believe are sold in Australia) can help to lower my cervical mucus pH, and how Dave's sperm pH needs to be down to 4.5 for calcium to bond to the Y chromosone sperm, immobilizing them...

So, let me explain a couple of new terms I've learned...

Swaying = Do various things to increase your likelihood of conceiving one gender over the other.

TBM = Turkey Baster Method, not unlike th…