Saturday, September 29, 2007

At the risk of being completely BORING...

Well, this is my blog, so suck it up...

Dave and I talked again last night. It wasn't good. Well, not to begin with anyway. He reitterated that his feelings really hadn't changed since August, and well I hadn't listened then (because I went and got the Agender plan)... He still wasn't saying no though, but he was clear that this wasn't something he'd choose.

Gawd, I was really upset, but kept it under wraps, at least until he went down the street to get fish and chips for us (boys all in bed), and a little bag of lollies for me - yeah, yeah, I know this doesn't do my weightloss efforts any good, but there you go...

He came back, we ate, we talked some more, and basically came to the place where he doesn't really want any more kids, but doesn't want me to be miserable, and I really do want another one (to try for a girl) but don't want to make him miserable.

I think he was waiting for me to be the martyr and say, "Ok, I'm deciding we won't do this because you don't want to." So, right before bed, I asked him if I should continue bothering to chart my temps, or stop, or keep doing it for now until he makes up his mind because I'm not going to be the martyr and I'm not going to push him to do this, HE has to make the decision this time. He said to keep charting for now.

It's going to be his decision, I'm going to accept whatever that decision is.

He did ask if I wouldn't talk to him for the next two years if he said no, and I said that while I really want this, we'd still be us. I showed him the blog from yesterday (he sometimes reads my blog himself but sometimes I just show him). We'll be ok, but I need him to make this decision this time. I don't want to push him into having #4 and I don't want to make it easy for him by making the decision not do it myself, yk? Does that make sense, or am I just manipulating him? I don't know anymore. I feel like I just need him to take the responsibility this time. I don't want him to say, years from now, "Well, you were the one who said our family was finished." for whatever reason (I can't think of a reason he'd say that, but you never know)...

He does have a time limit on him, in that we're supposed to get back to Cindy and Maree with our pH levels (in the next fortnight, though because we're not starting till Jan, that deadline is probably more flexible) and if we're doing this, he needs to be on supplement in a month's time.

So, there we are, and unless some breakthrough happens one way or the other, I'll try to blog about something else for a while...

5 comments:

clelkaje said...

Oh Sif :( I guess the PC thing to say is that whatever decision it is will be right, and baby souls will come through if they need too...but man, I hope he *really* thinks about this from your POV, and also from the position of possibilities and joy rather than obligation and negativity...

I guess everyone has their limits, for both of you...hugs xxx

Sif said...

Yeah, I'm not feeling very PC about it... I'm trying really hard to be rational and to consider his needs, and well, I do love him and I don't want him to be miserable...

It is basically going to come down to the good old, "Which one wants what they want more" scenario... He has to decide if he'd be more miserable than me by having another. I think I'd be more miserable than him by not, but I'd said that, so now he needs to decide if he believes that or not...

I think, from obvservation of him with the boys, that it would be very hard for him to have a fourth. He finds all the noise really challenging, and yes, because he parently nearly 40% of the time, the workload of four would be stressful to him...

That said, he gets so much joy from the boys. He loves them so much, but because he loves them so much he has a lot of anxiety about them too... But yes, he does get a lot of enjoyment from them...

I don't know, LOL, to me kids are an investment in the future, to him they're a risk, because there is so much that can be lost when you love people...

katef said...

for what it's worth (which is not much I give you that) I don't think you are being manipulating at all... I think you are trying to come from a place that lets you both be true to yourselves. If you where the matry and said ok don't worry about it you wouldn't be being true to yourself because this is something you really want... now if you pushed and pushed him hoping he'd just give in to get you off his back then he wouldn't be being true to himself either.. if that makes sense.
I think you are working through one of the hardest things in a relationship - how to respect the wishes of both parties when they are maybe at odds with each other....

Jayne said...

*hugs* and good luck :)

Rae said...

I agree with Kate. I don't think you're being manipulative. It sounds like you have stayed very true to yourself and well you want what you want. It's just a difficult situation for the two of you to be in. I think its amazing that you managed to wait for him to leave before you got upset - I'd be a mess.

Teenagers and the failing parent...