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Sadness around the edges...

It's been an emotionally intense week here...

Dave and I have been emotionally closer in the last little while, which has been really nice, but all this emotional intensity also seems to heighten sensitivity to other emotions as well...

The other night there wasn't anything on tv, so we watched a DVD Dave bought a while back that we hadn't watch yet, "Out of Africa" - the likelhood is that you've seen this movie starring Meryl Streep and Robert Redford (before he became just far too old to be sexy anymore)... The movie was based on the memoirs of Isak Dinesen, danish author (who was the Baroness Karen von Blixen-Finecke)...

Anyway, by the end of the movie, I felt such sadness for this woman who lost everything she lived for; children, her farm, and the love of her life. I can't explain why it affected me so much, except to say that I probably fear living a life like hers quite a bit! Which isn't a good thing, because if you focus on not riding into that tree over there, then you're sure to hit it like a bullseye...

FATHER'S DAY

Yesterday was a bit of a mess. I didn't organise anything for Dave, but Luey (he's such an amazing child) did a better job than me and had a present for Dave that he'd made at school. We were going to go over and visit Dave's parents, but it becamse evident by about lunch time that the boys were too hyped up to inflict on FIL who tires very easily these days. Dave rang his parents, and as it turned out MIL hadn't made plans for our visit anyway because she didn't believe it had been confirmed. So, Dave went over in the afternoon on his own with our cards and token gift in hand. He was gone for several hours because MIL needed him to run a quick shopping errand for them as they hadn't made it out of the house all week.

Dave was visibly shaken when he got back home. He says that now when he sees his Dad after just a few short weeks interval, he can visibly see the man aging before his eyes. Dave is sure this will be FIL's last Christmas, and his 85th birthday in early January will be his last birthday. Obviously, Dave is upset by this and I'm upset for him.

No plans have been made for FIL's eventual passing and this is causing stress for MIL. There are no funeral plans, and understandably FIL isn't interested in discussing these things. I'm very concerned about what will happen to MIL after FIL passes. Will she be ok to stay in their family home, or will it be too much for her, too isolating. She doesn't have any other family except her estranged sister and Dave, and she has one friend who visits every week, that isn't a lot of people.

Dave is feeling overwhelmed by the whole idea of dealing with all of this in the next few months, and this is where I'm kicking myself for being so self-centred... Please don't judge me on what I'm about to say because, believe me, I judge myself more than anyone else could... The stress of losing FIL and helping MIL to adjust afterwards may threaten my chances of convincing Dave to have #4, and I'm in a panic about it. I have this deadline and I'm committed to not going beyond it, but well, if FIL dies during the next 10 months, as Dave is predicting, how can I possibly put the hard word on Dave about having #4. I know, it's reprehensible that I should be prioritising having another baby over the importance of FIL passing away, but Dave won't have the energy to deal with both, I don't think... Why now?

Comments

HipbubbyMama said…
Sif I think your feelings re the possible imminent passing of Dave's dad and the timing are perfectly understandable. I know if it were me in your situation, and if the sad event does come to pass in the few few months, I'd give myself an "extension" on the deadline.. I can't see the harm. I know you want to do it by then, but sometimes the best laid plans and all..

Anyway best of luck with it all, hope FIL lives a lot longer anyway!
Juniper said…
Huge hugs Sif, your feelings are definitely understandable, and it doesn't take away from the sadness you will feel at FIL's passing.
loz said…
Hugs I understand completely when FIL was sick all I wanted was for him to hold on to meet our son as this is something DH wanted more then anything in the world well as you know it didn't happen like that and it is something DH was extremely saddened by. At the end of the day though what will be will be and for us FIL didn't need to suffer anymore neither did his kids in seeing him like that and we look back now and are so thankful he knew we were having a boy.

Oh and just as a side note there have been a few times in the past 3-4 years that we have thought grandma wouldn't see past christmas or this would be her last and surprisingly she has bounced back to sort of health. So while I think it is great to prepare for fil's eventual passing and taking things one visit at a time things can change quickly too for the better. Oh I dont think bad of you for thinking like that either it is only natural:)
Leah said…
I caused myself a lot of anguish setting arbitrary "deadlines" for another baby, and I won't say it doesn't sometimes still happen although I know in my heart it's unimportant, staying true to what I want for us is what counts, not the calendar.

I know you have good reasons and it's from a place of respect and love for Dave that you do, but perhaps extending your deadline could be more respectful and loving, towards both of you? 6 months is not going to make a lot of difference either side of the magic age.

Similarly, while it'd be difficult to be expecting a baby when the inevitable happens and Dave's responsibilities increase, you can't suspend life in anticipation. FIL might exert his will for a long time to not only not make plans for a funeral but to not need one! Bubba #4 could well be 2 or more years old when it happens ... or it might be really soon. You said yourself you are unsure what it will mean practically for MIL and your family, maybe it will crack open possibilities that make adding another baby an even simpler proposition than today's scenario?

Don't feel bad for considering how this impacts your plans. FIL is at the end of a long life, you are still charting your life's path and need to be concerned with it.
katef said…
I can't say it any better than everyone else already has but I agree... you are facing a potentailly big change for all of you, it is not wrong to consider how that change will affect your plans and dreams.

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