Saturday, February 09, 2008

It had to happen... Anti-climax.

Well, I was very excited for about 24 hours, as well as shocked and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know a lot of people have said it happened so quickly and I was so lucky, and that is very true to a degree.

I was really hoping to get pregnant straight away, but thought perhaps that was asking too much. It had taken one cycle to conceive Erik, but two to conceive Luey and three to conceive Bryn, and so - with me being older and all - I was half expecting it to take four cycles to happen this time, and if not by then, then not at all.

I guess from outside, it looks like I just decided to get pregnant in January and then it happened, but it wasn't like that at all. I decided I wanted another baby shortly after Bryn was born when I had a dream about a wise woman reading my spine - yes, that was a bit strange. She read my spine and told me I had five children. I said I only had three, but had lost two, so maybe that was what she was seeing. She said that wasn't it, she saw five children for me. A few days later I had this kind of vision, or daydream (except I wasn't controlling it in a fantasising kind of way, it just came to me) of twins girls in party dress, with dark curly hair like Dave's, whispering and giggling amongst themselves and looking at me. That image has stayed with me for the past 2 years.

Around that time, I decided I really needed to lose some weight. In the back of my mind I was thinking that if I wanted to get pregnant again I needed to be a bit fitter because I'd had to lose 6kg before conceiving Bryn, and I knew if I didn't do something about my weight then conceiving the next one would be harder and take longer. All that time, I was trying to come to terms with stopping at three children, because I knew how dead-set again having anymore kids, Dave was.

By Bryn's first birthday (18 months ago), I couldn't deny my longing for another baby though. And that's when the hard work really started. Dave and I hadn't been intimate for nearly 2 years by then, and I knew that part of that had to do with Dave just not wanting to risk me getting pregnant again. So, first I had to get him to at least work on our relationship with me. That took nine months in itself.

Part of that included agreeing to send the boys to school (after Erik asked to go), when everything in me said not to let him go. That was a HUGE struggle with me, and many times I thought it was the worst decision I'd made. Letting the boys go to school meant showing Dave that I could handle another pregnancy and baby because some of the stress would be taken off me by the boys being in school for the part of every week day 8.5 months of the year. It also meant that Dave could work full time if he needed to.

I also made moves to get on with my life as if I wasn't solely focused on having another baby, so I enrolled in the Masters of Writing that I'm doing now.

In August last year, Dave said an absolute, "No!" to any more, and mostly based that decision on the fact that we might have another boy and then I'd want another baby again. So, I started to look around for ways to sway the odds in our favour and came across A-gender. I ordered a plan, despite Dave having said no, and told him I'd ordered a plan so we could have a look at what it was all about. The plan arrived one week into October, and we discussed it. Dave was still not enthused about the idea of a fourth child, but said he'd think about it. I waitied three very tense week for him to come back with an answer (he had till the end of October, because by then he needed to start his supplement drink). He finally said yes, but said he was only doing this as a leap of faith with me because he knew how important it was to me.

So, he started the drinks and I tested his and my own pH levels and then a month later I started the drinks and my girl diet (which consisted of nearly 1 litre of milk a day - with milo in the last three weeks), 200 grs of yogurt, 4 corn thins with unsalted peanut butter or honey, 12 almonds per day, an apple, and then 120g of white meat and a couple of cups of a combination of potatos, cauliflower, onion, string beans or asparagus - and NOTHING else). Dave was very conscientious and really did everything I asked of him without any complaining and I'm incredibly grateful to him for that - I just don't know that I could have been so generous if the roles were reversed.

In November I had to make an appointment to convince a GP to prescribe me some Primulot to help move my cycle so it aligned with my girl time in January. Re-aligning my cycle was a very stressful experience, so much had to be worked out, and it's never a guaranteed thing; many women have had this fail for them. If I couldn't align, I wouldn't be able to attempt because our best chance of conceiving a girl would be in girl time. I was very lucky and it did work - just - quite literally I scraped in, and that required some other manipulating that I'm not comfortable talking about here.

Anyway, so I got my period and notified the woman doing my attempt plan, and she sent me the intricate plan, which included 8 "dates". It wasn't just a matter of making love though. I had to use up to three douches at any one time, and twice we had to use the turkey baster method which involved collecting sperm, adding a substance to it to get it to right level of acidity (which I had to measure) and then depositing it near the cervix. I'm pretty sure I made the mix too acidic both those times, and probably killed all the sperm. three of our "dates" were outside the time span in which sperm can survive to inseminate an egg. Another two "dates" were protected, so no sperm was deposited. So, essentially, there was only one date from which we most likely did get pregnant.

The whole process was not relaxed, and this pregnancy most certainly didn't "just happen" for me/us. It involved two years of planning, and six months of intense emotional and psychological focus.

So, right now, four days out from getting my long awaited second line, I'm feeling a bit anti-climatic about it all. I appreciate that for other people it seems to have happened really quickly, but for me, this took forever and it drained me of a lot of energy emotionally. I don't really know how I would have coped if, for example, we didn't get our bfp this attempt or in our February attempt and we had to wait until June to try again (because June was out next girl time)...

I think I got pregnant because I lost 12kg from my previous conception weight. I was taking a very high dose of folate (10g), I was exercising, I gave up caffeine completely, we (potentially) deposited live sperm near the cervix three time within the five days leading up to ovulation, I surrounded myself with fertility crystals (fertility energy), I meditated and visualised my baby every day for a solid six month, including visualizing the entire conception (egg meets sperm, egg travels to uterus and implants) scenario.

I put every ounce of energy I had into this for the past six months, and about 70% of my energy for the 18 months before that...

So, right now, I really need to get my life back, but my brain and emotions aren't co-operating, maybe next week...


Ish said...

Hugs this 4th baby has been a long time in the planning and the past few months have no doubt been planned to the minute almost. I for one am so happy for you both that this pregnancy happened on your first attempt with gender swaying it selfishly gives a little hope lol but also that diet sounds like no picnic!!

We all know you don't just click your fingers and wham your pregnant sometimes it happens straight away and other times it takes a number of attempts..

Anyway I hope the climax returns quick smart as these are exciting times :)

katef said...

I knew this had been a long and intense process for you but I had no idea it was that intense! I can totally understand things feeling a little 'flat' right now... but you know what, this baby is never going to doubt for a second that they were wanted and loved even months before they were conceived!

Stephanie said...

Oi! I thought that now you're up the duff it was OK to climax LOL. Congrats again Sif, all that planning certainly paid off!

Sitting In Silence said...

Sif...Love this post..raw and honest...

Beautiful photo as well...

Rae said...

Wow I've been following your journey on your blog but when you read it back like that you realise what a JOURNEY you've been on. Its so understandable that you would be feeling blah. Let yourself be. That is one mighty fine pink line you have there though!

Good Job!