Wednesday, October 01, 2008

I don´t know what´s wrong with me today :(...

I woke up this morning and my strongest urge was to pull everything out of the bottom of the wardrobe, crawl in there, close the doors and just hide in the darkness.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with anxiety atm, nothing specific, just lots of little things...

  • how others perceive me, especially people close to me...
  • why on earth I'd want to bring another baby into this world when I'm finding it so hard to cope with the three I have on an emotional level (yes, it's the holidays)...
  • whether I actually really want another baby right now? Yes, ludicrous, I know, but every day I can think of three good reasons why today would be a good day NOT to have a baby, and this morning I found myself actively willing away BH...
  • am I my own worst enemy? I mean seriously, I'm so driven by my desires but then I can't cope with them, I compulsively take on more than I can handle in basically every aspect of my life and then I put too much pressure on other people to take up the slack, and I wonder why people get annoyed by me. I just don't seem to be able to get a grip on balance. It's one extreme or the other, it always has been and 36 years of falling on my face time and again doesn't seem to have taught me much.

10 comments:

Nic said...

((hugs))

Stephanie said...

OH SIF! If it is any consolation, I am not a big fan of the newborn stage at all. I think I enjoyed it best with Luca, but, honestly, I think it sucks and count down until they are 6 months old LOL

I think what you are feeling is perfectly valid and normal. Particularly because you are studying as well. I'd love more kids, but, I wish they came out eating food, sleeping through, and playing independently in short bursts at least PMSL

Sif said...

Thanks guys :)...

I actually cut that blog post short because I suddenly had a massive panic attack, complete with overly dramatic hyperventilating and near fainting. Was a bit scary, and funny (because I have a warped sense of humour and this tiny part of my brain was crying out, "C'mon Sif, GET A GRIP!!!"

Managed to sort myself out though, and feeling more calm/numb now...

Steph, I actually deferred my studies back in June because I just wasn't keeping up with the work. Haven't given the writing a second thought since - which leaves me goodness knows where come February.

I don't really know where all this anxiety has come from in the past week, so hopefully it's just circumstantial and will evaporate in the next week or two, or when the baby comes...

Nic said...

Is your hubby taking time off for the first week or two? Youve done it 3 times before Im sure you'll be fine :-)

Sif said...

Yes, I'm sure he will be, he can organise to work from home some of the time, too, this time, which is great.

katef said...

Ah be a bit kinder to yourself! Balance is hard, even without the hormones tipping you upside down.... I say just sit with the anxiety a bit, let it just be until it goes away and you can get back into the swing again... pretty sure school holidays being over will help too!

katef said...

oh one other thought... a good blessingway/celebration might help too? Celebrate the wonderfulness of you and your baby!

Stitch Sista said...

Ahh hope that cloud lifts tomorrow!

Although it's inevitable there will be good days and bad, things will feel different on the other side of the birth I'm sure!

I know you're talking about emotional stuff in your post, but even the emotional side of not being physically ABLE bodied in late pregnancy can be really tough. I just so badly wanted my body and my energy back at the end.

Stephanie said...

Sif - do you have a sort of plan of attack for trying to minimise the stress that comes from trying to please 4 children all at the same time?

I found it really helpful to sit back and think of what I can do to try and make integrating a fourth child as seemless as possible.

Even mundane things like, making sure I had a comfy place to feed in any room I needed to be in, and placing all of Hunter's craft stuff high enough in the cupboard so she couldn't get them, but, low enough that I could reach while feeding/carrying a newborn.

Basically, I just tried to make things as easy for myself as possible and thought about what I would most likely be doing in those first 6 weeks, so I didn't have to think much during HAHA.

It did help to relieve any anxiety I had about coping or not. That and I decided not to care about too much TV for a few weeks for H ;)

Sif said...

Ah, Steph, it´s good to have another mum of four (especially with a similar age gap in her kids - well the last three anyway), to get ideas from.

I have thought of some thing, but I guess, I've been focusing more on the "how to prevent him creating chaos" aspect more than the "giving him stuff to do that's fun" perspective. So, I should really look at that, especially because he won't have someone else to entertain him the way Luey did when Bryn was born...

Teenagers and the failing parent...