Skip to main content

Unspecial...

The following is a completely self-indulgent post, not at all directed at any individuals, LOL, just commenting on a general phenomenon that strikes this brain in late pregnancy. In fact, feel free to read and write off as some sort of hormonal side effect that this writer will probably be embarrassed about in weeks to come, but at this moment believes there might be some socialogical intrigue about...

A while ago, another pregnant friend mention that this being her second pregnancy, had left her feeling a little disappointed, a little ignored, or unspecial. With her first pregnancy, people noticed she was pregnant and they took special consideration to her pregnancy. At the time this friend told me this, I didn't really relate to what she was saying. I had been aware of the decline in excitement over subsequent pregnancies, but felt it was just a normal evolution as people no longer found it novel that I was having a baby. Afterall, I'd done it before.

I felt a little smug in my acceptance of this phenomenon, like somehow I had reached a level of maturity beyond that which my friend was expressing at that time...

Well, apparently, I have not, hahaha!

I think, at some level, all women who are pregnant, whether with their first or their 13th baby, want to feel special. Some will say, "It's nothing, I've done this all before, life goes on..." but somewhere deep down, they will feel the miracle of what their body is doing. The awesomeness of growing a complete human being from just a single cell organism, and they will want that recognised on some level...

Recently, I've felt unspecial. People are being lovely, can't fault them in any specifics; constantly asking how I'm feeling, commenting on how good I look, showing excitement for the impending birth... Honestly, I don't know why I feel unspecial when I analyse it closely...

But there is something there. I think it has something to do with being confined at home while everyone else gets on with their lives. Go to work, or to school, have social lives and errands and what not. I sit here waiting, unable to do much else because everything exhausts me.

And then there are the jokes about what times are convenient for other people for me to have this baby. They are well meant jokes and EVERYONE has said them at some time or other, so I'm not thinking of anyone in particular. Because I can - because I know he won't be too offended, I'll pick on my Dh as an example... He has a busy schedule at work atm. There are several publications lined up to go to the printers and he's organising advertising art; collating and redistributing it around the country, keeping track of hundreds of individual projects... Usually, by the time I'm 37 weeks pregnant, he's going on leave from work because I need more support, but this time around I've been doing my best to just get on with life as long as possible, hopefully right up until the birth because it is such a busy time at work for him... And then he tells me that I am not ALLOWED to have this baby before it's due date (which is highly unlikely anyway), because he has all these deadlines...

Of course, if I went into labour he'd drop everything, I know that, but it still impacts on my mindset, that I can't put people out by going into labour at an inconvenient time.

Everyone who is attending this birth, or affected by it will have more and less convenient times for me to give birth. I'm really very aware of that, too aware of that, I think. I try to laugh it off, but honestly, deep down, there are pangs of anxiety that when it comes to the crunch, I might find myself putting people out or worse still not being able to contact people for some reason or another.

The reality is, my midwife might be at another birth, others might be running errands, at work, at school, at functions, or trying to meet the needs of their own families. And yes, people will drop everything, but in our society there is a very strong social convention of not putting other people out...

This is why pregnant women don't call their midwives in the middle of the night... They don't want to put people out for "no reason"...

So, what is the solution here? Do pregnant women need to become less self-centred and simply accept that other people have lives, even when they feel like all they are doing is WAITING to have a baby, or do the people around pregnant women need to be aware that while they're just trying to be honest, or just trying to be lighthearted and funny, their references to the fact that their lives are still going on despite the fact that the woman is about to give birth, might actually cause some level of distress, even if when not heavily pregnant the woman would be much more rational about the realities and not take everything so to heart?

Hahahaha! Yes, I'm a hormonal pregnant woman! Rationally, I know I'm not the centre of the Universe, but emotionally I probably wish I was, seeing as I'm currently in possession of the Divine power of creation...

Please, no one take this personally, it's not directed at any individual, just at a general phenomenon of expectations and realities being mis-aligned during a time of emotional instability...

Comments

Juniper said…
Sif, you *should* be the centre of the universe - you *are* doing something amazingly special, and I agree, you should be *recognised* as such yk?

Really, people will *drop everything* to be there for you, not out of some sort of "obligation" but because they *want* to! You are not putting people out, you are having a baby and everyone involved in the birth are involved because they really want to be there yk?

I am sorry you dont feel special at the moment - all pregnant women deserve to feel special when they are about to have a baby - whatever i can do for you please let me know! (((hugs)))
Sif said…
Yeah, look, I had a whinge about it on my due in October thread on EB, and lo and behold, I was certainly not alone. It's definitely a phenomenon; pregnant women feeling fragile, there should be an Anon group for us...
Amanda O. said…
Just sending hugs... I reckon you're right that it's a thing for pregnant women. We know how special what's going on is, how come the rest of the world is so darn OBLIVIOUS! HRMPH! ;-)

I dunno, not sure there is really any rights or wrongs or even anything beyond the genuineness of what we feel and experience in the moment, so just sending sympathies. Maybe other people don't feel like they're putting pressure/intend to by making jokes about when it's okay for the baby to arrive and maybe it's hormones or our own/culturally influenced expectations of ourselves/others BUT that doesn't change the pressure you experience yk? Doesn't mean they're necessarily wrong either just that it is what it is. I don't think there's any reason to feel like it's selfish or a whinge really...

And even if we're really excited about the birth and baby ourselves doesn't mean we can't also be a bit frusterated with waiting and not doing stuff or pondering other paths/what might have beens. It doesn't change or lessen the excitement imo, just is something else on our minds too and hm, thinking about it, it's probably even to a degree one of those things our minds do when trying to process an impending big thing/change/the unknowns of an event.

Dunno, maybe I'm just in a weird mood myself atm. I'm blaming left over wonky moon energy and being way too freaking tired to be sane instead of rambly. *g*

I hope whatever else is going on you get that special feeling in yourself. Seriously something every woman deserves to feel - celebrated and special and recognized - at this point and during/after birthing. It sucks the big one when you don't feel it.
Stephanie said…
Oh you know I think you are special.

And yep, you are not alone in your feeling. Its common practice.

Although, I have read some comments recently on a particular forum by someone we both 'know' and I have to wonder if there are also women out there who also seem to think their first borns are somehow worth celebrating more than subsequent children.

People are strange...
Sif said…
LOL, Amanda, yep, yep, I think I get what you're saying...

Of course, today the rollercoaster is heading uphill again... Seriously, I've survived nearly 40 weeks of pregnancy, not to mention months of pre-ttc WAITING, what's another two weeks, right? But, LOL, don't expect me to feel this calm tomorrow, or even in two hours time, rofl...

Steph, DO TELL - email me on facebook!

Popular posts from this blog

12 Things Happy People Do Differently - a self-reflection...

A few days ago a Facebook friend posted the above poster on her wall. I believe she got these points from this blog which she enjoys reading, and the bloggers on the Marc and Angel Hack Life blog derived their discussion of these points from this book, available on Amazon - you're welcome! I have to admit, I haven't read the blog or the book I've just mentioned but wanted my readers to have access to the sources of the poster for their own reflective purposes.
The New Year will be upon us in but a few days and I thought this a great opportunity to do a little personal assessment on how I'm playing the happy game. I'm often not very happy at all - I don't need to be happy all the time, let me just say that up front - I personally believe that life is a balancing act and those who seek euphoria often will also often feel desolation because in all things there must be balance. The great riches of the few on this planet come at the personal cost of the many as is …

The symbolism of elephants...

Just recently I've been seeing and noticing elephants everywhere!

A few weeks ago I saw the Samsung Elephant Ad, and watching that led me to watching a video with an elephant painting (seriously, you have to watch it to believe it!).

Then last night the boys told me they were having a free dress day at school to raise money for 'Mali the Elephant' - who turned out to be a paper maché statue which the children will paint and then show around the council before it comes back to the school to stand outside the performing arts room.

Then this morning I followed a link from Twitter to Toushka Lee's blog and read this post about an elephant orphanage in Sri Lanka.

This morning the Grumpy Old Man did another driving test and unfortunately didn't pass. We've booked his next test and are looking forward to that now. About ten minutes before he walked in the door I saw this poster on Facebook...


At the time, I didn't know if the Grumpy Old Man had been successful or …

Alone... And Stuff...

Do you ever just need to be alone?



As the boys are growing up, we have more times when the house is quiet. The youngest will be asleep. One will be reading, one will be playing on his computer with headphones on, one will be painting and there is stillness.

Sometimes, even that is not enough.

Sometimes I crave being alone, with no possibility of someone suddenly realising they have to tell me something important or ask me a question or even just crash about in the kitchen.

Sometimes I crave S P A C E, lots and lots of space, being able to walk from room to room without encountering another soul.

This is how I felt when I woke up this morning, so instead of getting ready for work, I decided to stay home. Get up, but not go anywhere, no hear the sound of my own voice, or anyone else's.

I think this might just be part of getting older. After a lifetime of chasing after other people and trying not to be alone, my mind and body is full of thoughts, experiences, feelings, and busy-ness …