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No-Man's land...

Ok, no one really wants to see a baby crying, but isn't he beautiful, even when he cries??? This isn't really a cry, this is "The Grizzle" and came at the end of a little photo shoot I was doing of him because, basically, he was bored having his picture taken and wanted to be picked up so he could survey his kingdom. His absolutely fave thing to do is be carried around the house so he can see stuff. The child would walk now, if he could, poor thing...



Oh, but look at this face, the hint of a smile in his eyes.


His eyes are no where near as dark as Erik's but Dave and I have noticed he has the same penetrating gaze. As if he's scanning your soul to make sure you're a good person...


I'm in a mild state of panic atm. I've been in pain for the past two days because of my gall bladder. I started taking antibiotics last night and am waiting for them to kick in, hopefully soon! Last night was horrendous, like New Years Eve. Part of me wants to go to the emergency department to get some morphine, but it's all too hard. I really need Dave there with me to hold my hand because I'm so so afraid of needles, but he needs to stay with the boys as well. Also, I can't really take Ari on my own because I'm not able to lift him to me for feeding when I'm on the morphine (partially due to the needle in my hand and partially due to being whoozy anyway). I can't leave him either because there is nothing for him to drink. I have 60mls of ebm in the fridge but that's it. I've seriously considered formula. I'm trying to tell myself it's ok, it's an emergency, it's not a permanent change over etc. but for so many years I've been so very anti formula for my kids, I'm just struggling with the idea of it, even as an emergency measure.

I actually don't feel like I'm thinking very clearly atm, I'm wholly driven by my emotions. Not wanting to leave Ari, not feeling able to care for him on my own, being in pain. It's all overwhelming. I'm not so sick that I don't have a choice, and I'm not well enough that I don't have to consider it, I'm in a no-man's land and it's torturing me...

Ari's awake, gtg...

Comments

Nic said…
Oh, sounds awful Sif (hugs) What about your AB friends? could they donate some breastmilk so you can get pain relief?
cherie said…
i was just thinking the same thing..
katef said…
Oh that B&W photo is just stunning.

Want me to see if I can express some milk for you... I know it is '20 month old milk' rather than '3 month old' milk.. and I am not even sure that I have much milk as M seems like he is about to wean.. but happy to try if it makes you feel a little less stressed to have a stash in the freezer... grab me on twitter or email or whatever.... hope things improve soon

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