Saturday, May 30, 2009

Variety

When regular toys get boring, a Boy can always play with his bros toes...

Friday, May 29, 2009

Wonder what my chances are...

of writing 19 000 this weekend?

Probably not very good, hey?

I guess it's just been one of those weeks. Baby not well, mama not well, four appointments as well as a family crisis - and then there are the school and creche drop-offs and pick ups, the bane of most parents lives, LOL!

This is why I do things in a kind of all or nothing way, LOL. I have a tendency to throw myself headlong into committments, and it's usually with the thought in mind that somewhere along the line I'll have to scale right back...

If I had written 500 words a day last week, I'd have managed a quarter of what I got through. I'd have 2500 under my belt right now, and all the stress this week would have come along anyway (ie. it's not a result of throwing myself into writing last week)... Instead, I got 10 000 words written and even though I haven't written more than 1000 this week, I'm not as stressed because having 11 000 down is not so bad really (mum only had 13 000 down until a month before everything was due!)...

All the same, I do feel like I need ot have at least 20 000 down by the end of the weekend, which I think is doable.

Now, in other news...

Well, not news, actually, more of a mama whinge. After Ari was born, Bryn went through a period of adjustment that was pretty rough on all of us. Then things settled down again for a few months, but in the last couple of weeks it's all on again. He's throwing tantrums left, right and centre, and while I have to say I'm dealing really well with them compared to how I might have dealt with Erik or Luey, I am finding myself getting ever madder. As I'm sitting here, I'm thinking it might be a reaction to Dave being home all the time. With that comes change, of course. Dave has been giving Bryn a lot of treats lately, little toys and snacks when out. This has led to something we hardly EVER had with our other two - shopping tantrums. He'll pick something off the shelf and say he wants it, I'll do my usual, "No Way, Jose" which usually sees the boys putting said toy back, then rinse and repeat, yk? But no, Bryn starting wailing. then puts the toy down, picks up another, here's another "I'm not buying that" and more wailing.

I've tried jollying him, tried the "for your birthday" tact, tried empathy, tried the flat out no... Argh!

And when the boys come home from school, he's constantly prodding them and poking them and trying to rile them up. When they're at school, he's into their stuff, I have to watch CONSTANTLY. Or he's opening the front door and just leaving it open - then watching me for a reaction...

He's caught FOUR already and I don't like it - there is ONE vaccine I might actually be happy to have administered (the vaccine for FOUR, if you didn't get what I was saying just then - I'm rambling incoherently now)...

Thursday, May 28, 2009

>Uninspired title<

A few things...

  • FIL is in a bad way. He doesn't know it yet, D and MIL are breaking the news to him in the morning. Basically, he's just winding down with old age, but an infection developed in his foot, and they've been struggling to get it to heal, and then on top of that his big toe and the one next to it are turning black which means his circulation is really bad in his foot. They obvious treatment now is to amputate the foot, but because he is so very frail, the operation could put his life at risk. To leave the foot would be disasterous though > necrosis > infection > blood poisoning > death. Once the foot is amputated MIL will not be able to care for him at home (he is so frail now, he's bed ridden most of the day, and needs assistance to use the commode in his room), so it would mean moving him permanently to a hospis or such like. It's just all too sad to think about :(...
  • I'm experiencing constant headaches from eye strain. Today I've gone and filled a prescription for reading glasses, I'm really hoping they'll help as I believe most of the headaches are from eye strain from staring at screens all day...
  • While at my opthalmologist this morning, we discussed the outcome of seeing the eye surgeon. She was surprised they didn't offer me a public system operation, and suggested I call them back and ask what my options are regarding a public operation. I called and a very sweet sounding receptionist took the call, I told her I'd recently seen Dr K for an assessment and she was all bright and chirpy. Then I told her I'd been talking to my opthalmologist about how there was no way I could afford the op, and she'd suggested asking about public. LOL, it was like switching a tv channel! The receptionist suddenly went all curt. Told me Dr K DOES NOT do public surgery, that I could have the op publicly but "you wouldn't have Dr K and you couldn't choose your surgeon, you'd just get anyone", and the way she said anyone suggested the cleaner could be called in to do the job... LOL, well, I told her that atm I have no option but to proceed publicly and asked her how to do that, so she's sending me a form to fill out that will be passed onto the hospital. She had "no idea" how long the public waiting list was... Oh well, beggars can't be choosers and who knows maybe in the meantime we'll find the money somehow...
  • Made an appointment with Dr L (dermatologist) who apparently no longer bulk bills (according to HIS receptionist, what's with the doorbitch receptionists, anyway???)...
  • Still haven't done much writing this week...
  • Feeling blah, and not because I had started catching A's cold last Sunday evening. It got worse on Monday, but then on Tuesday I got Dave to get some Olive Leaf Extract, and cold was as bad yesterday as on Tuesday but all but gone today - totally amazing stuff! Ari's cold is still in full swing though.
  • Ari's day sleeping is just going completely pear shaped this week. I know, it's probably just the cold, but all the same. He doesn't sleep until totally and thoroughly exhausted and even then he doesn't sleep long...
  • Have a lead on a kinder option for Bryn that's not too far away, and now I'm all ummm, ahhhh... Need to at least check it out, I think though...
  • Am giving vegan a go again, lots of reasons - have been abusing my body lately particularly with dairy products (why do I ever think I'm suddenly going to be more lactose tolerant), but also on a quasi spiritual level, need to not ingest suffering, too much suffering around already...
  • Considering shaving my head again, both for medical reasons but also just because I want to. But something holding me back, maybe the look of fear in Dave's eyes???
  • I REALLY need to be strict with myself about getting to bed earlier. Last night I was so tired and yet wired that I couldn't sleep for hours, all this rubbish posing as thoughts bouncing around in my head...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Seven Months Old...

Ari has been through so many changes in just this last week, it's like he knew he was about to turn seven months old. Then there's the old cliche of "Where did those seven months go?" It's a cliche for a reason though, isn't it. In the blink of an eye we've gone from, "Finally, he's here!" to "OMG, he's just said his first word and is mobile!"

Just three days ago, Ari figured out that he can get around by scooting on his bottom. This seems to be an afternoon activity. Each morning he wakes up and has forgotten he can do this, but by about 4pm, he remembers again. Funny little guy! When Luey did this, I was worried because I'd read all the studies that suggested babies who don't crawl will have left-right hemisphere intergration issues that will affect their language and math skills and their ability to communicate their emotions effectively (resulting in life long heighted stress levels)... Anyway, even though Luey started bum suffling at about 6 months, he did eventually crawl and because he didn't walk until he was 14 months old, he ended up crawling for about 6 months in the end. Luey's language and math skills are just fine - his math skills are particularly fine. Luey certainly has NO ISSUES whatsoever communicating his emotional state, LOL. So, Ari following in Luey's footsteps doesn't worry me at all..

Two days ago, Ari started to use the word "Meh". Now, "meh" might not sound like a real word to most of you out there, but in our family it's the word for a breastfeed. Since the day he was born, Ari has been asked if he wanted "meh" several times every day. The other night I was trying to get him to say "mama" (yes, that's right, I was "coaching" my child to say mama, because the other three have all said "dada" first, and FCOL it's my turn, ok?). He thinks this coaching is very amusing. He cocks his head to one side and looks at me like I've lost the plot, and then smiles and laughs.

But then I was transferring him from the pram in the loungeroom to our bed, and as per usual he woke during this process. Usually, he'll complain a bit about being made to wait while I strip off to get into bed, but instead he clearly and calm said, "Meh!" And since then, he's been saying "meh" purposefully! My clever boy! He obviously figured that there was a much better use of the M sound. I'm not too fussed that he didn't say "mama", because, let's face it, "meh" is synonymous with "mama", isn't it?

Today we're off to the maternal and child health nurse. I'm betting he's about 8.2kg and hopefully he's crossed the 70cm mark - will be back later with details, I hear him stirring now!

ETA: Well, he's 7.950kg and 66cm short (rofl) with a 45cm - his head circumference being the only measurment above the 50th percentile, or even the 40th, LOL - obviously he's a complete brainiac!

The MCHN was a little concerned about the back of his head being a bit flat (it's actually not as flat as it was 2 months ago, but she sees so many babies, she's probably forgotten). She also thought he was a very serious little boy, but it's just a case of him being careful to intently study people when he first encounters them and only when they've passed muster will he bestow a smile on them (which he did at the end of the visit, and which she put in the notes, rofl, because that's important)... Besides, he has a cold... Back again in 5 months - though we'll be seeing her in two weeks for Bryn...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Inspirations!

Been struggling this week with writing. Last week I went gangbusters, but this week having to deal with Ari's cold, then catching it myself (though I'm mostly in denial about it) has really slowed me down. As well as that, my eyes have been aching a lot lately - probably from too much intense iPhone time (I found this ACE mindmapping app, and a word finder game, and I'm a little hooked on mobile twittering as well)...

Anyway, then Tabs put me onto a blog of someone she knows casually who is participating in an "Every Day in May" challenge. This person, like me, is trying to write a novel of some description, and has set herself the challenge of writing between 500 and 1000 words every day (which is pretty much what I was hoping to do from the 4th of May, though closer to 1000 words a day at that stage)...

Loobylu originally got the idea from the French Toast Girl blog and I HIGHLY recommend going to that blog, scrolling to the bottom of the page and then slowly scrolling back up to the top again. If you do that you can see how this talented painter sketches, then paints (in stages) her illustrations! Absolutely beautiful and inspiring!

Well, today I managed a mere 800 words. Tonight I haven't done anything because Ari decided to take a nap at 5.30pm and has been up since 7.30pm, and I can not concentrate enough to write anything truly creative...

Tomorrow is a busy day with appointments (MCHN and GP for me, Driver's lesson for Dave) plus all the usual traipsing about. On Thursday I have an opthalmology appointment at which I might be getting a prescription filled for some specs... I can't believing I'm hopping on THAT merri-g0-round again, but maybe this time it'll actually help to have some glasses, maybe relieve some of the strain I know I'm experiencing...

Monday, May 25, 2009

Brag of the day!



Here's Icarus sitting a foot in front of where I placed him down 30
minutes earlier. The boy is mobile! Bum shuffling mobile (like bro
Luey), but mobile all the same!

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Felt the need for some green...

I adore the free blog backgrounds site I stumbled upon several months ago (link up there in the left corner)... I like being able to change my blog look to suit my mood. This evening I've felt strongly in need of green.

Green is my HOME colour. It's the colour I turn to when I need to feel grounded. Jayne recently moved into a new house with the most magnificent green loungeroom. It's not a dull, watery green, but a vibrant, happy green and when I recently spent a wonderful evening there with some other women, the green of that room somehow fed my soul!

Her entry is sunshine yellow. I remember being five and adoring the colour yellow! Yellow was the colour of happy, and maybe when I was five I felt a need to be sorrounded by a lot of happy.

I know for many years I avoided the colour red. Red was the colour of angry, and I didn't like it. My mum liked to dress me in red (because it suits me), and I hated that. But not nearly as much as I hated Orange...

I don't even know why I didn't like orange before my very late twenties. In fact, I would still not wear orange myself (I've had one or two orange items but that's it)... I dressed Luey in a lot of orange, because it suited him. There is something hidden about orange, I don't fully trust that colour...

I also used to really LOATHE purple - you'd have a hard time believing that these days, if you looked in my wardrobe - Purple said, LOOK AT ME, AREN' T I FAB??? Didn't like the ostentaciousness of purple at all...

But then as you get older, the way you view colours really does shift and change.

In my twenties, red became a colour of strength. A colour of "I believe in myself", and colour that spoke of my own trust in my view of the world.

And then recently, maybe only in the last couple of years, purple has taken on a new voice for me. A sage voice, a voice of a woman and a mother who has a strong mind, but maybe doesn't need to yell her opinions quite so loudly from on top of that soapbox (mind you, ask the woman what she thinks and she'll welcome the opportunity to impart her brand of wisdom with you!)...

But my love of green is the same as when I was very, very little, before I had words, I think. Green felt soothing, it grounded me, it reminded me of my roots (I don't really know what that means, but that's the feeling I feel when I think about green)...

Green may not be an easy colour, Kermit, but ahhhh, it's home!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I must be mad (ok, so you probably figured that out already)...

I reached my goal of 10 000 words for the week today. On Monday
morning when i started writing i already had a word count of 750 words
from the previous Monday, but all the same, over the last 4 days i've
written over 9000 words - i'm pretty impressed with myself, i have to
admit'

My goal for this weekend is to get to 15 000 words because by the end
of the following weekend I want to have 30 000 words written.

This afternoon after finishing off the first ten thousand, I was
feeling a little cocky and found myself thinking about when I finish
this degree and how I'll finishing qualify for a doctorate.

That was the one thing that detracted from finishing my first Masters;
because I transferred from thesis to coursework after Luey was born
(because of PND), i didn't qualify to do a PhD. To me, it felt like i
had a Clayton's Masters (no offense to anyone else who has a
coursework Masters, this is just my neuroses speaking).

So today i was daydreaming about signing up for that PhD in writing
(yes, i must be mad!)...

Maybe i should just focus on finishing this degree first...

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

How on earth???

I was listening to a writing podcast the other day and this writer was saying something about how one of his mentors had once told him that if someone told him that every good writer sits down between 8am and 12pm every day and punches out 5000 words and ENJOYS it, then they're LYING! This guy was saying that that was possibly true for most writers, that it's not really surprising that writer's find it hard to write because writers love words and like to use just the right words to express what they want to express and invoke the kinds of emotions they want to invoke... HOWEVER, in his particular case the above was in fact, TRUE. This writer honestly DOES sit down for 4 hours every day and writes 5000 words and ENJOYS his time writing...

What I want to know is HOW does he write 5000 words in four hours??? I've written NEARLY 5000 words, but it's taken me nearly 10 hours! Ok, so I'm sure he isn't pausing to breastfeed a six month old, or change a nappy, or make a honey sandwich for a 3 year old, or listen to the mind-blowiningly interesting tales the 50 year old spouse MUST tell him THAT MOMENT... But even so, 5000 words seems like a LOT of very fast typing happening in those four hours.

I would LOVE to be able to write 5000 words in four hours, I could get this novel done in 8 sittings! That's 8 days for a first draft, wouldn't that be MARVELLOUS! I wish I knew his secret!

Monday, May 18, 2009

S.A.D. to say...


The forecast for the next near week goes something like, 19, 20, 20, 21, 21, 20... Apparently after that we'll have rain. This is where I have to admit that I'm honestly NOT looking forward to it raining. In a week's time, or ever!

We haven't had much of an Indian Summer this year. There was a cold snap mid-March and since then it's been mostly cool to down-right freezing, and I've suffered for it.

I felt so very UP today! Why? Because there was sun and yes, even warmth! I felt like a got quite a lot done (no, not housework, but other useful stuff, yk, like WRITING)... For once in a long while, I didn't feel like crawling into bed with a big, never-ending mug of hot chocolate...

If re-incarnation, as hindus see it, is real, then I swear I must have been a bear in my past life. Every Autumn, all I want to do, is find a nice dark, warm cave, crawl in, shut it off from the inside and sleep, sleep, sleep... The daylight of Winter feels harsh to me, it's a kind of blue light that turn my mood equally blue...

So, please excuse me if I don't join the chorus for more rain, however much we need it, I just want to be ignorant and wish for endlessly sunny, mild Winter days until Spring arrives in late September...

Things I know...

Pinching this idea from Shae's blog

  • Noisy, emotional, chaotic families are still loving, close knitted families...
  • The crunchiness of red-gold Autumn leaves under foot makes 9 degree mornings worthwhile...
  • Buying more technology can sometimes cause you to interact less with technology and more with real people...
  • If it's male and it's fidgety and cranky for days on end despite having all his needs met, it's probably processing a massive POO!
  • I will always WANT to work on my thesis when I physically can't and then when I can, I'll blog instead...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

In case you missed it...

Norway won Eurovision 2009!!!



And Iceland came second!!!



Ah, so proud of my adoptive country and my home land!!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

I am looking forward to having $5000...

Because that is what I need to get my left eye straigtened...

When to the Eye Specialist yesterday to find out if I could the strabimus in my left eye fixed (I don't know if that sentence is grammatically correct or not - is "strabimus" a verb or a noun?)...

I was put through my paces look hard left and hard right, up and down, reading charts, having drops, going blind (thanks to the sedative on my eye balls, LOL)... Anyway, I have a 22 dgree outward turn on my left eye (so, to all those people who insist it's barely noticeable, rofl, thanks but don't worry about being polite anymore, hahaha)...

The Dr said he could definitely fix it. He said that due to the degree of turning, he couldn't guarantee that it wouldn't turn back out in 5 year or 25 years, and that he had the best results with turns of 17 degrees or less, but yes, it could be fix and as it had taken over 30 years for me to really notice a turn at all, then there was a very good chance of it sticking...

The procedure would mean a 24 hour stay in hospital and a GA. Ok, fine, I can live with that... I asked how much and he said $3500, but I'd get $500 back on medicare. Excellent! I'm expecting to $2500 one Dave's tax is in, and the rest I could scrape together... Then, he said his receptionist would give me the exact number... And she did, $3456, and I'd get $3006 back... Great! Then she adds that with the hosptial costs and the anaesthetist and something else, it would come to about $5000, but I'd get $1000 back... Suddenly the surgery is well out of reach...

Argh! A few weeks ago, my eye turning out was something that really bothered me but that I thought I'd just have to live with. Then, the boys' opthalmologist said I could probably get it fixed and it wouldn't cost that much (I guess if you're an Opthalmologist $5000 isn't that much, really)...

Amyhoo, I feel a bit like this thing I REALLY want is *just* outside my reach... Part of me thinks this surgery is nothing but vanity, but then my eye turning out really does bother me. The Dr couldn't say if it would cintnue to turn out further or not...

Maybe I should put more effort into learning how to use ebay and start a surgery fund? I need someone to come over and take me through the steps of listing on ebay, I'm sure if I could just do it once with someone, I could learn to do it...

Ok, E X H A L E, I need to let this just flow...

Monday, May 11, 2009

That strange floaty, disconnected feeling is back...

Ok, tell me I'm not the only one who experiences this...

It's been happening again, just over the past couple of days. I get this odd sensation of things floating in space. Like, I might see words on my screen and wonder what's holding them in place. Why aren't they tumbling off the screen. Why am I not collapsing in a heap at the foot of my chair, here?

When I say floating. I don't mean like bobbing about in the sea, or on pillows of invisible hot air. I just mean that things, people, objects are able to somehow defy gravity, and at the same time not be so light and disjointed that they just fly apart...

Ok, so the feeling is very hard to describe.

I've kind of been aware for many years now, that everything, EVERYTHING around us, and even ourselves, is just made up of atoms, and within atoms, neurons and other small particles. That these itsy bitsy particles just float about together in clusters that form dense and less dense objects, but that REALLY, there is no reason for these itsy bitsy particles to remain groups together into objects of varying density except the reason BECAUSE...

There is this theory that objects don't actually exists as cohesive "objects" until we look at them and our brain "creates" the object from our eyes picking up the particles (or something)... That explains why individuals can look at the same thing and perceive it differently, and only perceive it the same as each other when they have come to an "agreeance" of what they are looking at. As we are unable to actually SEE what the person next to us is SEEING, we can only assume that they see exactly what we see, we choose to come to some mutual agree that, for example, the car over there is bright red with white tyres that that those descriptions of those aspects is experienced in the exact same way by each person.

Ok, so back to the floating. I guess, somewhere in my strange ol' brain, this underlying knowledge that everything, including space, is just particles floating about, makes me perceives things as floating, but in view and in the sensation of floating myself... Like I experience gravity the way one itsy bitsy particle might experience it... That *i* - this entity I identify as being me, really isn't here, really isn't bound by gravity and so it's kind of surprising to me that I don't just float away...

Hehehe, yes, I'm serious...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

First Mother's Day with All My Children!

I'm rockin' Mother's Day today! It's been the best one ever!

I realised this morning that as Dave and I have now completed our little family, this is my first ever Mother's Day with all my children present! It's been a gorgeous sunny day, too!

I had a little bit of a sleep in this morning, and wasn't woken to arguing (you have no idea how rare that is!)... Then coffee and pressies and homemade cards! From Erik I got a potted flower (Chrysanthemum sp?) in pink, and a book of vouchers he'd made that I can "cash in" some time in the next year! From Luey I got another potted flower (it was all they were selling at the Mother's Day stall at school), in white this time, and a card. From all the boys together I got a lovely bottle of Moscato, which I will be enjoying some time very soon! And from Dave (even though I'm NOT his mother), I got a web cam with inbuilt microphone by Logitech, which I'm looking forward to trying out!





Erik and Ari and I went grocery shopping (LOL, I know that doesn't sound like a fun thing to do on Mother's Day but it was actually good to spend some time alone with the biggest boy)... Did a whole week's shopping for 6 people for $190 - and that wasn't skimping on anything. I feel like a total legend! And to top it all off, Ari fell asleep in the Baby Hawk on the way home and then transferred to the pram without waking!

Now to watching the kids while Dave goes and does grocery shopping for his parents, LOL, in many ways it's just another Sunday - but as Sunday's go, it's been a good one!!!

Happy Mother's Day to you if you're a mum!

Saturday, May 09, 2009

I look like cool!

So sayeth Bryn!

Thoughts about Mother's Day...

Since Ari was born last October, I've really felt very ok about having four boys, and only ever having four boys. Four sons.

For some reason, the impending Mother's Day has just brought up some sadness over never having a daughter. The two might not seem related at all, but then again, my brain is notorious for relating things other people would NEVER consider to have any relationship to one another.

It's the thing about being a mother. I didn't appreciate my mum much growing up. Being the idealist I'm prone to being, she (in her faulty human state) never managed to live up to my ideal of what a mother SHOULD be. You know what I mean, right? That always patient, always available, always anticipating her child's next need or want Goddess that was aspired to in the 50s and depicted in fiction...

Mum always said, "I can't wait until you have kids, then you'll understand!"

Yeah, how many mums have said that, do you think? In fact, how many of us have said it to our kids - or thought it, but had the sense to know there is no real point saying it because the child isn't really listening and doesn't want to hear it anyway...

The thing is... I did get it. Not straight away, not in the first year of my first child's life... But a little later on, I got it. I discovered that I, too, was a fallible human who wasn't the constant rock of patience and presence and foresight that my children expect (and they do EXPECT this)...

Getting it formed a very strong bond between my mother and I. It allowed us both to be ourselves, be more ourselves with one another than we ever were able to be when she was younger and I was a child...

So, what has that got to do with not having a daughter?

I guess I'm thinking it rules out any of my children really GETTING IT, getting what it means to be me. To be a woman who has children and all that encompasses. Being a man with children is a different experience. One day, the boys may have the opportunity to GET get Dave is coming from, what Dave has felt over the years, etc. But they will never truly understand where I'm coming from, what my experiences were... And maybe a daughter wouldn't either, but the potential would have been there with a daughter...

Sons do offer a different kind of bond though, and I'm very glad I have my four sons this Mother's Day!

Friday, May 08, 2009

Thoughts on self-esteem...

Was listening to a podcast yesterday about procrastinating. It's something I do quite a bit. Anyway, the lady talking about why we do it, suggested it is mostly related to emotional baggage. In some way the procrastinator benefits from procrastinating - in some way it works for them. Well, that's nothing I haven't heard before, really, but then she suggested people do an exercise to try and tweeze out WHY they might be procrastinating... Basically, you list all the things you think might happen if you didn't procrastinate; like, what are you concerned might happen, no matter how childish it sounds (because often our reasons for procrastinating relate back to experiences in our childhood), and also (I think) how does procrastinating benefit you...

Well, anyway, I had a think about and basically...

I procrastinate for several reasons:

Generally

- I'm afraid that if I get on with doing the stuff I have to do, I'm going to miss out on stuff going on online with my friends and acquaintences. If I'm not constantly monitoring the airways, maybe people will organise a get together and I won't be "in the know" so I'll miss out. Then because I've missed out on an "essential social get together", I'll start to fall behind in the information circles and then I'll end up no longer part of those circles... In other words. If I'm not "on the ball" with my friends, I'll lose them - because I mostly believe they're not that interested in being friends with me (Oh, my! That was a pretty big realisation about how I view myself)...

Specifically

- If I write this thesis novel, then it might be revealed that I'm actually a fraud and I can't write for shit.
- If I finish this degree, I might have to go out and work, and then I'll lose all my friends because I won't have time to catch up with them, and I won't make new friends because I'm not good at making friends.
- If I finish this degree, I might not have anything to do.

Which got me thinking... Being "busy" and being "in demand" are definitely signs of your social worth amongst the people in my social circle. Yes, people are busy, of course they are busy. We all have children and a few of us also have jobs or study or whatever, but it's very important that OTHER PEOPLE should know how busy we are - how in demand we are. It's all part of the "how important I am" culture we live in...

If you're not that busy, or you're not in particularly high demand, then you must have social BO. I live in fear of social BO. This stems from a childhood of constantly being on the move and having to make new friends over and over and over, and just not being very good at it (I was too clingy, too demanding - I still am sometimes)...

So, yeah. Having this degree/thesis/novel looming makes me feel "busy" and "in demand" and "important"... It is also the unrealised potential of being a great writer... If I actually DO the writing, then I might not have any social credibility down the track, especially if my fear of being discovered a writing fraud, is realised...

Here I was thinking I'd worked through most of my self-esteem issues, but obviously the process is that of 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, sometimes...

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Forever on the move

Every time I turn around, one of the boys is lugging Ari around. It's
hilarious to me how big he looks against Luey!

They grab any opportunity to haul him about - the number of times he's
been "crying" (so quietly that I can't hear him despite him sitting
right at my feet), you'd think THEY were the attached parent!

I sure do love having older kids!

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Children of the Corn...

I'm posting this for Kate, in response to this post.

Kate, this is my brother and I aged 9 months and 2.5 years respectively... As you can see, very very blonde. Very much like many kids in Iceland. In fact, looking through the Icelandic parents forum (Barnaland) is like watching Children of the Corn, LOL...

Monday, May 04, 2009

Boy builds robot

Apparently, this is General Grevious, of Star Wars fame...

Time to get real, I guess...

Well, I've survived the steep learning curve for TiVo and iPhone, so now I really need to use those things for what they were intended (reducing the amount of time I sit motionless in front of a screen)... Well, that's not really true, actually, it's more like mummy-yoyo; bouncing up and down to meet the needs of one or the other of my menfolk - particularly cute little practically bald buddy...

So, as of today I have a new goal.

Wait for it...

1000 words a day!!!

I was thinking about it yesterday and I pretty much write that and more every day, anyway. Only now I'm going to focus on putting it into my thesis. I really have to. In six months time it and the exegesis for it, will be due. That's 45-50 000 words, all refined and polished within an iota!

I CAN do this!

The plan is to spend my day time doing stuff that doesn't require too much focus; basic housework and mothering stuffs, catching up on shows I've TiVo'd and also catching up with friends and running errands - all that stuff...

Then each night I'll sit down and write. The three bigger boys go to bed between 6.30 and 7.30pm. Ari will settle for the evening MOST nights, though sometimes we have streak of restlessness (I've found that is more true on days that we "sleep in", so it's now a priority to get us both out of bed for the day by 8am, no matter how crazy the night may have been)...

This way, I reckon I can get the first rough draft done by the middle of June... Get that into my supervisor before I go to Adelaide and then we can spend the next three months re-working it. Have to also fit in the exegesis, somehow.

It's all got to be done by the beginning of November.

I'm determined to finish this this year!

Morning boys :)

Friday, May 01, 2009

Like Gwyneth Paltrow in Emma...

... where she goes, "I LOVE John... I HATE John!" I'm currently having a love/hate relation with technology...

I LOVE technology!

I HATE technology!!!

Erik is learning about technology at school atm, and he asked Dave if new technology makes our lives better. Dave said that really depended on some things... He said if the new technology actually meets a NEED, makes life more ENJOYABLE, AND is not painful to adapt to using, then yes - then he added MOST new technologies come no where nearly filling these requirements...

At 50, Dave is one of the origial ludites...

So, back to me loving technology...

I really do, I love to "play" and most new technology these days is all about playing. Not necessarily games, but all the same, the colourful lights, the cute sounds, the way thing flit about screens and slide and pop and whatnot...

So, have met most of our families NEEDS, I've been dabbling in meeting some of our WANTS lately... Ok, MY wants. Dave could happily travel along completely ignorant to such things as TiVo, cable internet and mobile internet access.

Getting the TiVo a few weeks ago was a major PITA! Took a week to install all because I didn't know to press one INVISIBLE button, argh!

Why I HATE technology...

Then this "helpful" Telstra rep called and told me that I was being overcharged for my internet because the plans had changed recently and I could get the same download for less money if I switched to cable and put my phone and net on the same bill. Ok, so I agree to change to cable etc. The cost of connecting to cable was going to be offset by three months free access, and as well as get 5x faster internet, I was also going to get a $20 per month discount on my current plan... Hmmm, ok, sounds good.

So, the cable guy comes and connects us to cable. I try out my new email address and it doesn't work. So, I ring telstra and they tell me it's a slightly different address to the one I was trying. Oh, why didn't the guy give me the address we AGREED on? Who knows. Then they tell me he didn't put an additonal inbox on for Dave, so now Dave has NO email.

But wait, we're still getting email at our OLD addresses, why's that? Because we haven't shut down our old account. No one told me we had to shut down the old account??? So, now we have TWO Bigpond accounts. Then the person on the line tells me that not only do we have two accounts, the wrong email addy, no addy for Dave, but also, I'm not getting any discount on the plan, because there is no such plan as what this guy had told me. He has also not set up for me to receive three months free AND I'm being charged for the new modem and connection... O M F L!!!

The lovely woman I talk to (on my fourth call to telstra), organises for us to receive 3 months free access, and not to have to pay for the modem. She closes the adsl account for me, and helps me organise a new email addy for Dave. Unfortunately, there is no way she can offer me $20 off my bigpond bill each month because it is only available for people with three accounts with telstra and prepaid mobile doesn't count...

The new iPhone saga...

I've been planning to buy an iPhone outright for a few weeks. I don't like plans because they tie me in and while I feel I NEED a phone, I don't NEED internet access on the phone, so don't want to be tied into monthly payments for that if we become suddenly very poor...

So, I go into a TLife store and buy my phone. They upgrade my sim to next G so I can keep my number and existing credit. I also add $100 more credit to the phone because it turns out the only way I can not be on a plan (even with prepaid) is to browse casually - which costs twice as much, but then again, I don't know how much I'm going to use yet... I go home and do all the stuffs to set up the iPhone and sync with my computer... No worries, all done...

But then I can't get access to the net.

I ring three different numbers to try and find ou why, and eventually they tell me my mobile webs haven't been activated and they activate them for me.

So far, so good. I give mobile web browsing a whirl... I go on Facebook. Then I got to my blog, and from there check out another blog. I check out maps. I send myself a test email...

Suddenly the phone chimes and pops up a message saying my credit is nearly all gone. W H A T??? $120 gone after just doing those few things? OMG, how can that be?

So, I ring AGAIN, and the guy on the other end tells me I'm been incorrectly charged and recredits me the money. He's so blasé about it all, as if it happens all the time...

STRESS!

Oh, and I haven't even told you guys how my internet banking was frozen because someone had hacked my computer and withdrawn $9 and then $2 from my account... I had to resign with Norton and then wait 5 hours while Norton did a complete system scan of my computer and found NOTHING, NADA... So, I go to have my internet banking restated and the banks computer system isn't work, so they ask me to please try and call again in the morning...

Oh, I do so love technology, but it's such a source of stress in my life as well!

Teenagers and the failing parent...