Wednesday, July 08, 2009

My life as a marshmallow

Do you ever feel like your life has no real substance.

I know a few of you have lives full of substance; full of cooking from scratch, full of growing your own organic vegies, rearing your own livestock and egg laying chooks, making your own clothes and home furnishings. I've dabbled in those things too, but that's not really what I mean...

When I think too much on it, so much of my life is vapid.

What is watching tv all about? Or browsing the net. Posting on Facebook and Twitter... What ARE those things about??? Is that what constitutes living nowadays?

I mean, I know I have four kids and just doing for them and D and myself takes up a lot of time and physical and mental energy - which is a big part of my problem, but seriously the rest of my time seems to be taken up fluffy stuff. Time filling stuff.

The thing is, my head is so full of cotton wool - perhaps from sleep deprivation or placenta brain, or breastfeeding brain, or just the desire to drift of on philosophical explorations of existence, that I can't seem to pull myself together enough to actually have more substance.

I'm not even sure WHAT I would do if I could chain more than a few moments of constructive thought together.

I like doing fluffy stuff because it takes up the background space to what I'm REALLY doing, which is thinking about stuff. While I read blips of other people's thoughts or experiences on Facebook or Twitter, or on blogs, or when I *watch* Brothers and Sisters while tweeting on my iPhone and knitting a baby hat, I'm actually focused on mentally trying to figure out how and why the world turns, why people are the way they are, how so-and-so would react in such-and-such a situation... Turning stuff over in my head is my greatest passtime. But it's not REAL, is it?

I'm too much in my head and not enough in the real world and it leaves me feeling like a marshmallow...


Rachael said...

This is pretty much exactly how I feel MOST of the time.

I don't seem to have the mental energy to do much else so flit from fluff to fluff and never get anything worthwhile done.

I too have thought 'gah what a way to waste my life' lol.

At the same time, for me it's really about connection and understanding. I love reading of someone's experience that is similar to mine, and just gathering information. I think if I had sisters or more local mum friends nearby I'd do this stuff in person, but as I don't cyberspace iit is!.

Sif Dal said...

Yeah, that makes sense. I've tried to make local contacts but need to work on it some more, plans in the works for that.

I do love living in my head a lot of the time, but sometimes this "lady of leisure" (using that term loosely, of course) feels contrary to nature. I would have made a very content Greek Philospher, rofl!

Good Job!