What do you do when you fall in a hole emotionally?
Yesterday was messy. Having 6 people in the house and knowing it would be like this for another two weeks kind of did my head in. Makes you wonder why I would have so many children when I crave solitude a lot of the time.
It's not that bad, most of the time, but D was in a mood and just wanted to grump at everyone from the second he got up until, well, until I totally lost my cool around lunch time (there is only so much bitching and moaning one woman can take from a grown man).
I went out and did the grocery shopping, which was good.
The thing is, I transfer a lot from my own childhood when D is doing his, "I resent the intrusion into my thinking world that noisy kids create" thing. My dad was like this. Craved order. Craved quiet. But kids don't get all of that, all they hear is, "I don't want you here. You annoy me." Even though I feel that way sometimes, I just don't see it as a good message to pass on to your kids, yk?
D adores his kids, and right now he's taken the three big one across to the other side of our suburb to a fantastic park that we used to visit all the time when we lived over there. They'll muck around, feed the ducks, chat, and generally have a great time, because he is a great dad, but geez, yesterday... Well, that was yesterday.
How do you pick yourself up and plaster a smile on your face and fake it 'til you make it once you've gone to that place where you're seething with anger borne from frustration and you've said and done things you wish you rewind and erase? I mean, it's easy the next day, after you've slept on it, but how do you do it when, in the moment, you know your tantrum isn't actually going to make things better. How do you stop yourself and lighten the mood so everyone has a chance to reclaim the day?
Yesterday, after I lost my cool, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed. Hide away from the people I'd yelled at and slammed doors on. Just looking at the "offenders" seemed to fuel the fire of my irrational anger.
Anger stems from fear, and I guess I'm afraid of my family now being like my family when I was a children. Lots of anger and animosity. Lots of us kids feeling unwanted and the root of every argument. Lots of wishing some kind strangers would come and take me away, LOL. I don't want my kids to wish kind strangers would take them away!
But today is a new day, so another chance to get it right, I guess...
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