Monday, September 21, 2009

Well, yesterday sucked!

What do you do when you fall in a hole emotionally?

Yesterday was messy. Having 6 people in the house and knowing it would be like this for another two weeks kind of did my head in. Makes you wonder why I would have so many children when I crave solitude a lot of the time.

It's not that bad, most of the time, but D was in a mood and just wanted to grump at everyone from the second he got up until, well, until I totally lost my cool around lunch time (there is only so much bitching and moaning one woman can take from a grown man).

I went out and did the grocery shopping, which was good.

The thing is, I transfer a lot from my own childhood when D is doing his, "I resent the intrusion into my thinking world that noisy kids create" thing. My dad was like this. Craved order. Craved quiet. But kids don't get all of that, all they hear is, "I don't want you here. You annoy me." Even though I feel that way sometimes, I just don't see it as a good message to pass on to your kids, yk?

It's hard.

D adores his kids, and right now he's taken the three big one across to the other side of our suburb to a fantastic park that we used to visit all the time when we lived over there. They'll muck around, feed the ducks, chat, and generally have a great time, because he is a great dad, but geez, yesterday... Well, that was yesterday.

How do you pick yourself up and plaster a smile on your face and fake it 'til you make it once you've gone to that place where you're seething with anger borne from frustration and you've said and done things you wish you rewind and erase? I mean, it's easy the next day, after you've slept on it, but how do you do it when, in the moment, you know your tantrum isn't actually going to make things better. How do you stop yourself and lighten the mood so everyone has a chance to reclaim the day?

Yesterday, after I lost my cool, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed. Hide away from the people I'd yelled at and slammed doors on. Just looking at the "offenders" seemed to fuel the fire of my irrational anger.

Anger stems from fear, and I guess I'm afraid of my family now being like my family when I was a children. Lots of anger and animosity. Lots of us kids feeling unwanted and the root of every argument. Lots of wishing some kind strangers would come and take me away, LOL. I don't want my kids to wish kind strangers would take them away!

But today is a new day, so another chance to get it right, I guess...


Leah said...

oh clicked over from bloglines to comment and see spring has sprung :)

no magic cure for turning those days around sometimes, just batten down the hatches and do whatever you can to get in a "downstream" frame of mind I reckon ... so it's good you got to get out without them :) Hope today was better! I had a much better day after my crap day last week and it was just an average day!

Sif Dal said...

Yeah, today has been an average day, got three hours of just me and baby time, which was mostly me time because baby slept for two hours... I can't really complain. I'm not cheered one iota by all the people who are loving that it's the holidays though... Wish I could love that it is the holidays but truth be told, I think we're all happier with term time (except Dave, who is now getting a sleep in til 8am each morning...)...

Leah said...

Yeah it can be hard to have school holidays when you're well into the groove or the opposite, feeling stretched already ... they have come at a good time for us, just generally a bit "over it" but nothing stressful going on either, makes them easier to appreciate! Plus I have 1/2 the kids and Steve out the house 12 hours a day, I totally see why 6 in the birdnest for 2 weeks makes you a bit anxious about legroom!

Rachael said...

Ah *those* days...yup we have them.

Often on weekends b/c DH is working Mon-Fri, the dynamic is all screwed up and we are totally out of sync with everything it seems...and it seems just so miserable. I'm all hope and light on Saturday morning, and if he dares grump around at all it just totally does my head in. But yk I'm part of it I have the whole guilt thing on top!

Thankfully the days pass, and the kids forget a lot of it I reckon (I hope)...

Jayne said...

Well I'm one of those annoying people loving the school holidays-but you do realise it's not out of any sappy, lovey dovey motives to be around my kids don't you?! Nuh uh, it's all about the sleep ins here! And lack of rushing. I just adore being able to do things at our own pace. I AM enjoying having the kids around mind you, but no doubt that will change some time within the next 2 weeks, when the fighting truly sets in!
But seriously, of course everyone has bad days-and 6 of you in a small house must be wearing on you-I can imagine I'd be more than a little troppo if that were me, especially if there was someone being grumpy added into the deal. I hope you're having a better day today and will continue to have better days. The weather improving is at least one good thing, and you can chuck 'em all outside! Including Dave ;-P

Good Job!