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The little things...

I'm struggling a lot at the moment. More than I have in many years. I'm at a point in my life where it feels as if I'm carrying a lot of responsibility without much support. I'm not trying to have a pity party here, just stating my reality. So, waves of overwhelming sadness wash over me frequently right now, and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, and other times I wish I could drown so I could stop struggling to stay afloat.

I'm an optimist at heart though, and so I know this is just a period in my life that will pass. Things will inevitably get better, as they always do. I'm not sure when that is going to happen - just when I've thought it was going to happen in the recent past, another wave has crashed over me and I've gone back to flailing my arms in a desperate search for oxygen.

There are things that keep me going, little things, and I thought I'd post them here...

  • Hugs for my boys.
  • Watching Ari sleep.
  • The sun coming out when it's not expected.
  • Laughing with a friend.
  • The kindness and understanding of my placement director.
  • A warm doona.
  • A hot, hot shower.
  • The awareness of the passage of time.
At this point in time the strain is likely to last another 6 months or so. Things that will lighten the burden include,

  • Finishing the certificate three and thereby actually being able to be home with Ari more, and participate in Bryn's kinder activities more and focus on finishing my Masters - which I haven't been able to even look at being of the pressures of this Cert III...
  • Dave getting his lisence. He is so close and we now have a car - though not a people mover, it will do the job to start with. His instructor is going way out of his way to help us. He spent last Sunday at MIL's charging the battery in FIL's car (which will be Dave's to drive) and then taking Dave for his first ever drive in that car. He's said that whatever lessons Dave has in that car will be free, so that means extra lessons for nothing. I know there have been doubters of Dave's ability to get a lisence, one person even said as much to me point blank, but this is happening and Dave will have his lisence soon, and I'm really hoping that will take some pressure off us all timewise.
  • By Erik's birthday, all the monies I had advanced from Centrelink back in December and January (before Centrelink told me I wasn't eligible for the pensioner education supplement because I've previously completed a Masters) will be repaid. This means we'll have $300 a month more than before (still $400 a month less than when we lived at Killara St, but it's still some pressure off).
Those three things are things I can count on to change and hopefully change life for the better.

Things I'm still hopeful about changing, that would make life easier, include,

  • Dave getting a job. (honestly, I don't have much hope about this, I'm just putting it out there, but he can't get a job if he isn't even looking, and he isn't looking)
  • Me getting a two day a week job. I really can't be out of the house more than that because I have to finish this Masters and I have to spend some time with Bryn and Ari. It's Bryn's last year before school starts, and Ari is still so young - even though he spends his days with Dave which is great, I miss him terribly. My heart aches from missing him.
  • Buying a house in this area so that I can stop worrying about the owners of this house giving us notice in November or December and the whole moving thing happening again.
But now I have to go and shower and dress and do the grocery shopping and clean the house from top to bottom because tomorrow is Mother's Day and MIL is coming over. Then the week starts again on Monday. That'll be the start of four weeks of being out of the house every day for either school or unpaid work...


Leah said…
I am glad there is relief on the horizon! That's great news about the driving instructor, license and car, people are ace!

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