Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Happy 11th Birthday, my boy...

What can I say? He's 11. I so often hear people say they just don't know how their children got to be so old so quickly, where has the time gone? I don't feel this way at all! I think that is because I'm such a different person to the person I was 11 years ago when he was born! Mostly, thanks to HIM!

Soon, I'll be getting a tattoo that is about him. Oddly enough - some might say - it'll be a butterfly. Butterflies aren't particularly masculine, and I think maybe he'd prefer my tattoo honouring his presence in my life were something like a tiger or a an eagle, but tigers and eagles aren't symbols of transformation and Erik's arrival earthside transformed my life - and me in the process.
He used to need me. This child needed me more overtly than any of my other children have needed me. I once saw a kinesiologist who told me - with great concern written all over her face - that he needed me too much, that he and I were too closely intertwined. At the time, I laughed her off, obviously she didn't understand attachment too well. Her words should have been a warning to me, because within weeks of visiting her a massive disruption occur in mine and Erik's relationship that has rippled through to the present.

I think he needs me less these days. At the same time, I worry more about this child of mine than any of my other children, and I worry about my impact on him. This self-consciousness is one of the ways in which Erik has transformed me over the years.

He is on the cusp. He is still so much a child. So innocent and wide-eyed and optimistic. A doctor once told me Erik is the kind of child "we all want", he is innocent and trusting and vivacious. I love these things about him, even though they also make him vulnerable in a world that is cynical and often hard and unforgiving.

However, a good friend once read his natal chart and said he would conquer his many challenges and this would make him self-assured, charismatic and insightful - I am beginning to see the glimmer of those traits emerging in my, now, 11 year old.


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