Notice October is black - this is NOT because October ends with Halloween. As a child growing up in an intensely Christian family, we didn't celebrate Halloween (also because American culture hadn't come to infiltrate every other culture yet back in the 70s and 80s). As an adult and pagan, I don't celebrate Halloween or Samhain in October because it is a seasonal festival celebrating the harvest i.e. an Autumn festival, and at the end of October in the Southern hemisphere we're in the middle of Spring, so I celebrate Beltaine, which for me is all red and white...
No, the black of October has to do with the absence of family birthdays in this month, and therefore the absence of any anchoring celebration to make October meaningful to me (although in recent years Beltaine has provided a point right at the end of the month, but as I'm slowly moving to a more tradition celebration of the Wheel, the dates mean less and the times mean more).
That was until Ari was born nearly two years ago. Suddenly October isn't a void in my calender, a dark vortex of nothingness. Now it's the month my youngest was born, with all the memories stemming from that event. Still the blackness of October lingers around the edges and I have to fight to feel that this can be a month of HAPPENINGS and not just a barren desert on my calender.
I recently saw the hashtag "#octoberwish" in my Twitter stream and thought I really need to make an October wish (or several) this year to help me stay focused this month and fill it with HAPPENINGs. So, here is my October wishlist...
- To find peace of mind!
Yep, that's pretty much it.
In September I managed to work myself in a frenzied state of worry and obsession. I've been obsessed with my perception of our state of poverty. Financially, things are tight, but we always manage one way or another. So, this downward spiral of worry about not having ENOUGH and other people's perceptions of us because we DON'T HAVE this or that has caused such a rage in me that I think it's amazing I haven't ended up really sick on a physical level. Emotionally, I have been very, very sick - at times I've felt suicidal, which has been scary - and I know the only way to heal myself is to restore my faith and focus on all that is good in our lives.
To this end, I'm going to focus on the changes I CAN EFFECT. I'm going to do the following:
- I'm going to make time to meditate and do rituals. I'd like to say I'll do a daily ritual, but in an effort to not put more pressure on me, I'm going to commit to sorting out my crystals and other implements and putting them to use. I'm going to ground myself this month, even if that literally means getting outside and laying on the grass!
- I'm going to develop a physical self care routine. I'm not talking about a diet or exercise routine, but rather a grooming routine that helps me to concretely value myself through nurturing my skin and hair and teeth. I neglect this stuff more than is okay to admit in this society, and as a result I find I feel reclusive, so I'm going to start a self care routine - which will involve drinking water, because I hardly EVER drink water and lately I've been getting horrendous headaches every day.
- I'm going to develop a SIMPLE house care routine. Nothing like flylady - that's just not me. However, I'm aiming a doing things like stacking the dirty dishes so they don't flood every surface of the kitchen all the time, and I might even clean the fridge... maybe...
- I'm going to find some sort of volunteer or employment opportunity that will enhance my writing resume. I need to do this partly so I don't lose my Mobility Allowance at the beginning of November when I officially complete my degree, but also just so I can feel like I'm doing something positive to further my writing career.
- I'm going to make sure each person in my family feels special and valued and knows I love them, not in a general sense, but in some specific way. I want to spend one on one time with each one of them in a way that builds them up and shows them how important they are to me.
Do you have an October wish? What are you doing to see it come to fruition?