Friday, October 22, 2010

Writing sucks!

It's three o'clock in the morning and I'm wide awake, browsing the net.  Why?

Partly because I fell asleep at around 5pm and slept for two hours - that never helps.

Partly because I'm all churned up.  I had a talk with mum tonight.  She's reading through my manuscript.  Another lecturer (not my supervisor) is reading through my manuscript, and tonight a student is has also received the manuscript and will read it over the weekend.  The thing is.  I thought I'd be finished by now.  It seems EVERYONE else who was finishing up this year IS finished except me.

I'm the only true external student out of the group.  There was one other external student, but that student was actually on campus at least once a month, apparently - something I had no hope of achieving.  So, a lack of constant communication - both on my part and that of my supervisors, has been part of my problem.  I should have been in their ears more, but it's been very difficult to build a rapport and feel comfortable contacting them simply because I wasn't familiar with them, didn't know their personalities and how best to interact with them.  I was shy.  If you are a shy kind of person, don't do an external degree!

So, here I sit, with days to go before my deadline and a bunch of people reading my manuscript.  I have to wait patiently for their feedback.  They're all doing me a huge favour right now (taking on work that isn't their responsibility).

If I'm perfectly honest, I feel like crap about this whole situation.  I'm wondering why I took on this degree.  What was I thinking?  That I could write a Masters thesis while raising three children, and growing and birthing a fourth?  That I could do it with next to no real contact with supervisors?  That I could do it while moving house, having two operations, doing another full time on campus course, and supporting my partner through the death of a parent?

Mum says I need to try and relax while I'm waiting for feedback.

She's been in this situation (and she actually had the one of the ops I had during her degree as well!), so she should know what she's talking about, but I CAN'T relax.  I've been trying, but I know that once the feedback is in, I'm going to have to hit the ground SPRINTING to reach the finish line in time (assuming the feedback comes in time).

The crappiest thing of all is that I would totally be LOVING this drama if it was the only drama in my life right now.  I usually love the final dash for the finish line.  I find it exhilarating; a challenge of my ability, to some degree.

This time though, there are so many other things that are a drama, that I can't enjoy this one - or any of them...

I don't know what I'll do if the people I'm waiting on take so long that I don't get this in before the deadline.  I'm tempted to tell them to stop helping me, and just let me hand in what I have now, but now I'm convinced I'd fail miserably if I did that.  So, I'm stuck.

I've tried several time to start my exegesis but I can't get a grip on it when my manuscript is not finished.

The worst bit is, for some reason I thought I had a good story and that my writing was pretty good - I got so much positive early feedback - but now I feel like I may possibly be handing in the worst thesis in the history of the department and that the people currently reviewing it for me are my only chance of scraping by on a pass.  A pass won't get me into a PhD.  A pass manuscript won't get published.  I love writing so much, but right now, it just sucks great big hairy dogs balls for me...

2 comments:

Harish said...

hi. just read your post. you can do it. come on, you have covered this much with all your troubles and only thing left is the final dash. take a day off, relax, then hit the road repleni she d. ridd

Sif said...

Thanks for the vote of confidence :).

Posts written at three something a.m. are nearly always going to be a self-pity party.

I'll get it done and when that happens, I'll look back on this post and laugh!

Teenagers and the failing parent...