Skip to main content

The lesson of letting go...

At the end of last year, I was doing some fossicking around on the net for forecasts for 2010, you know, horoscopes.  I'm not a big believer in general horoscopes; the simplistic mass media generated kind, but on the more astrologically sound sites I was checking out the forecasts kept repeating the same theme over and over, and it wasn't one I liked much.

Basically, it said that for me, 2010 would be a year of waiting, of overcoming obstacles and delays.

Those of you who know me personally, know that I completely missed out on the patience gene.  I'm not entirely sure there is a patience gene on either side of my family anyway, but if there was, it wasn't transferred to me.  I did get a double dose of drive though.  So much so, that I've often heard myself described as a bulldozer.  That is not a particularly flattering description but even I have to admit it's fairly apt.

In many ways, this drive I have to get things done has served me well.  I have not had a life without challenges and so, I've been grateful for my "just keep going" impulse.  It's extremely strong, this impulse.

I doubt that without this impulse I'd have the things in my life that I cherish so much, my husband and my children, and my various degrees.  So, as you can see, I don't want to deny my impulse to push through obstacles because it's served me very well up to now...


Well, these last two years have been nothing short of harrowing.  Quite frankly (and I don't want to be a drama queen, but let's speak plainly here) there have been times in the not to distant past where I have wondered if I can really keep doing all of this.  Dark hours in the middle of the night when I've wondered if it wouldn't be easier to just put an end to all my misery.

The thing is, my children wouldn't survive that event.  Neither would Dave.  So, I have to find another way.

I've fought the obstacles, I've pushed and strained against the overwhelming tide of challenges that seems have relentlessly washed over us these past couple of years and I'm tired, so, so tired.  Tired, lonely and really not very well in body or mind.

Last night, after a lovely dinner out with friends that involved lots of laughter, I came home and collapsed into a pit of despair - for all my struggling and worrying or resisting, 2010 is nearly over and not much has changed from this time last year.  Different house, but same situation - we're going to have to move and Dave doesn't have a job or a licence yet.  I haven't finished my degree and I don't have work either (and don't want to work because I don't want to be apart from Ari who I think needs this stability in the stormy seas that are our life at the moment).  2010 has, indeed, despite my very best efforts, been a year of delays and waiting.  And I'm still waiting.

That really only leaves one option.  That option came to me last night.  It doesn't thrill me because it goes against everything that I am, really.

I have to let go.

I have to let be what will be and stop fight and pushing and struggling and worrying.

I have to stop feeling responsible for everything and everyone.

I actually have to stop being so arrogant that I believe I am the agent for change.

This has been an extremely tough lesson for me to learn and right now I'm not sure I've grasped it completely, it's more like I've intuited the answer without understanding the mechanism, but I'm going to practice letting go this week, just doing what I can in the moment and not thinking about what the consequences of everything may or may not be.

It's a matter of trust.  Trusting that things will work out, somehow.


Spiralmumma said…
Really sorry you had a dark moment last night :( and in fact that the whole year has been rather crap. But reading this really reminds me of what Buddhists say about attachment and how letting go can be a really positive life altering experience. I need to take this on board too. *hugs*
Sif said…
Just found this comment :).

Thanks for the hugs. Letting go is not something that comes naturally to me. I'm a fighter and as fighters are wont to do, I tend to flog dead horses... A day at a time. Sometimes a moment at a time, hey?

Popular posts from this blog

The symbolism of elephants...

Just recently I've been seeing and noticing elephants everywhere!

A few weeks ago I saw the Samsung Elephant Ad, and watching that led me to watching a video with an elephant painting (seriously, you have to watch it to believe it!).

Then last night the boys told me they were having a free dress day at school to raise money for 'Mali the Elephant' - who turned out to be a paper maché statue which the children will paint and then show around the council before it comes back to the school to stand outside the performing arts room.

Then this morning I followed a link from Twitter to Toushka Lee's blog and read this post about an elephant orphanage in Sri Lanka.

This morning the Grumpy Old Man did another driving test and unfortunately didn't pass. We've booked his next test and are looking forward to that now. About ten minutes before he walked in the door I saw this poster on Facebook...

At the time, I didn't know if the Grumpy Old Man had been successful or …

Alone... And Stuff...

Do you ever just need to be alone?

As the boys are growing up, we have more times when the house is quiet. The youngest will be asleep. One will be reading, one will be playing on his computer with headphones on, one will be painting and there is stillness.

Sometimes, even that is not enough.

Sometimes I crave being alone, with no possibility of someone suddenly realising they have to tell me something important or ask me a question or even just crash about in the kitchen.

Sometimes I crave S P A C E, lots and lots of space, being able to walk from room to room without encountering another soul.

This is how I felt when I woke up this morning, so instead of getting ready for work, I decided to stay home. Get up, but not go anywhere, no hear the sound of my own voice, or anyone else's.

I think this might just be part of getting older. After a lifetime of chasing after other people and trying not to be alone, my mind and body is full of thoughts, experiences, feelings, and busy-ness …

12 Things Happy People Do Differently - a self-reflection...

A few days ago a Facebook friend posted the above poster on her wall. I believe she got these points from this blog which she enjoys reading, and the bloggers on the Marc and Angel Hack Life blog derived their discussion of these points from this book, available on Amazon - you're welcome! I have to admit, I haven't read the blog or the book I've just mentioned but wanted my readers to have access to the sources of the poster for their own reflective purposes.
The New Year will be upon us in but a few days and I thought this a great opportunity to do a little personal assessment on how I'm playing the happy game. I'm often not very happy at all - I don't need to be happy all the time, let me just say that up front - I personally believe that life is a balancing act and those who seek euphoria often will also often feel desolation because in all things there must be balance. The great riches of the few on this planet come at the personal cost of the many as is …