Monday, March 14, 2011

Traversing the Void...

I have a real sense of floating in a vacuum at the moment.

I usually have some goal I'm working towards and that I have control over and can see daily progress on. For the past 14 years it's been:

  • Finish my undergraduate degree; a Bachelor of Arts in Communications (1997)
  • Finish my post graduate diploma in Vocational Education and Training (1998)
  • Have Erik and work on my Master of Education (1999)
  • Work on my Master of Education (2000)
  • Have Luey (2001)
  • Resume working on my Master of Education and complete it (2002)
  • Move to Bendigo, and then to Upwey (2003)
  • Move back to Box Hill (finally) and try to get pregnant (2004)
  • Have Bryn (2005)
  • Lose 32kg (2006)
  • Start a Master of Arts (Creative Writing) and research gender swaying and convince Dave to try for #4 (2007)
  • Have Ari and work on Master of Arts (Creative Writing) (2008)
  • Work on Master of Arts (Creative Writing) (2009) --> This was also the year I had my gall bladder out, Dave was made redundant, Dave's dad died, my Nanna had a stroke, Jayne and I went on a road trip to the homebirthing rally in Canberra, and I had an operation to straighten my left eye.
  • Work on Master of Arts (Creative Writing) and simultaneously do a full time, 6 months Certificate III in Children's Services, move house, finish Master of Arts in mad rush before Christmas (2010)

That brings me to now. No more babies on the horizon and no degrees for the next few months anyway. So, I'm floating in a vacuum, and pumping my arms and legs in a vain attempt to "get somewhere" or "achieve something".

Dave says, "Savour the moment."

I wish I could but without a goal, or a focus for my energies, I feel a bit distressed.

It's all the uncertainty that is distressing. Will Dave ever be given the opportunity to work again? Will we have to move again later this year? Will I manage to secure a scholarship next year. Will I publish my book any time in the foreseeable future? 

I don't actually want to take on anything right now - I know I should appreciate this lull in activity - however, I feel like days are drifting by without any purpose and that, very possibly, I'm wasting time.

Wasting time as in, letting time get away from me that could be used more fruitfully, to better ends, if I could just find a path to follow and establish some sort of organisation in my day.

Things I believe I need to do:
  • Read novels
  • Read about writing
  • Write
  • Find an agent for, or gain a decent letter for my manuscript before submitting it to publishers
  • Determine what I want to do for my PhD topic
  • Research what is required to apply to do a PhD
  • Research what is required to apply for a scholarship for the PhD
Okay, so it's not that I don't know what I need to do. I guess it's just organising myself I'm having a problem with... Why is that? Maybe I'm suffering burnout? Ha!

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