Saturday, May 07, 2011

Dropping the ball a.k.a. impatience for the sun.

Hi guys,

Thought I'd check in and explain myself...

Winter really came down a thump this week, didn't it? I'm enjoying wearing opaque black stocking with dresses and boots, so that's a good thing (and in the cold you can wear those gut sucking undies to keep up your stockings and smooth the lines of your dress and you don't have to think twice about *all those layers*!!!).

I'm trying to deal with the psychological fall-out of the sun being shrouded by clouds day in and day out. I suffer from Season Adjustment Disorder (SAD), but a great chunk of that is purely psychological - the anticipation of long months of darkness and cold - so I'm trying to change my thinking, and we all know new habits can take a while to establish.

This week I've dropped the ball on a number of things because my energy has been directed at just getting out of bed, and doing those things we all need to do to get through the day with four children.

Walking - I did an enormous amount of walking on Wednesday - 12kms in all, 21 000 steps! - that was to make up for not walking at all on Sunday and Monday, but then I didn't walk on Thursday, and only did as much walking as it takes to get the kids to and from school, and to do the grocery shopping yesterday. I feel very drained this week, but the guilt of having bought new shoes specifically for walking will get me back on track. Walking is good for me in that it helps to stabilise my mood, and gets me out of the house (which is very important when you're an agoraphobe!). The cold is harder for walking though because I feel cold so layer up, but then I get too hot, so end up stripping back down and walking with layers tied around my waist - not my preferred way to walk. I'll figure it out though.

Writing - Oh dear! I've really, really dropped the ball on this. So much so that I was blaming the walking (and resulting tiredness) for it at first, but considering the number of days this week when I've really just sat at the computer and played games or browsed, I can't seriously blame not writing on walking. I've been thinking about a couple of short stories, but haven't even written any notes. I also haven't read any more of that anthology I need to read in preparation for writing a short story. I have some writing events coming up which I hope will renew my mojo...

Blogging - Honestly, because I've been feeling BLAH! I haven't been blogging. I don't enjoy writing blog posts when I'm in the *just want to crawl into bed and sleep* mood because I feel, no matter how much I fake it, the BLAH seeps through my writing - and who wants to read BLAH? I have a whole bunch of photos and snippets of things I've thought about blogging, but in the end they remain in stasis waiting for the sun to come out.

Life feels full of take at the moment, and not a lot of give, and I'm angry about that, but I know anger really is the position of weakness in any situation, so I want to move past it - I just don't want to move through it, and I suspect the only way past it is through it, but through it is frightening so instead I wrap myself up in BLAH as a some sort of pillow suit that will shield me from the rage and protect me from feeling weak and helpless and impatient for the sun.

Pillow suit by designer Maja Ganszyniec 
Sorry about the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, my next blog post will be brighter...

2 comments:

Kate said...

Big *hugs*, you know I'm right there with you. I've not had such a drastic slump as the last week in many years. Know other factors have been in play but truly think the SAD's are mostly responsible.

Must remember to get Vit D supps sorted this week.

Hope you're feeling brighter v soon.

Sif said...

MIL sent me some vit supplements last week, and I kind of poo-poo'd them - thanks for the reminder, she might have been onto something there...

Teenagers and the failing parent...