Sunday, May 01, 2011

Is this it, then?

Life, I mean.

Do you ever have days when you think, is this all there is?

I'm not sure what I'm expecting, but there are days, like today, when I wake up and think, where's my glory?

Okay, about half of you have started thinking about moving on to the next blog or maybe even scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush around about now, I know, it's kind of pathetic and a bit whiney to think stuff like that, but I can't help it - it just happens!

I'm not a believer in reincarnation in the sense of the soul moving from one body to another body after each lifetime, but if I were I'd be prone to wondering if I wasn't some sort of Empress or Movie Star or Goddess or something in a previous life, because I seem to have this expectation of something more, something glorious or glamourous and exciting just around the corner. I've been waiting for it for a long time, my fame.

Instead, I have a husband and four kids - all very much wanted and dreamed about.

Life is pretty good.

It just feels a bit mundane - I guess.

I have this feeling something amazing is supposed to happen, something life changing and wonderful, but I don't know what, or why it would happen to us. I thought maybe it was writing and become a well known and respected author, but possibly, quite possibly that won't be it at all. I'm not at all sure I have what it takes. I'm not sure I have any kind of talent and less in the way of determination.

So, then what? Am I going to be just another mum and wife and home-keeper (well, kind of, I'm not exactly at the top of my field in that respect either) - not that there is anything wrong with those things, they just not enough for me, personally. Will life always be a bit of struggle and full of unfulfilled dreams?

What a downer, I'm being (I imagine by this point I'm mostly just talking to myself).

I'm sure I'll feel differently again tomorrow - though that feeling of expectation never goes away, it's just that some days it seems completely possibly, and some days (like today, obviously) I feel like I'm deluding myself.

Do you ever feel this way - are we socially conditioned to feel like this maybe?

5 comments:

Rachael said...

I would say yes, this is it. You are living it! Find joy in the present. My hubby reminded me of this the other day and I'm pretty sure he's onto something. So many of us wait 'for life to begin'. Guess what...it already has!

Nic said...

I have days like this. Maybe its so we can look around and think about what direction we want to head next.

ryivhnn said...

I think you've been working on the writing thing at least as long as I've been working on my 3d project (a decade now I think for me). I get into occasional moods like your current one and remember life is good and to enjoy the process, a good result is bonus. If you're not enjoying it, time to move onto something else :)

I hope you get published soon!

Sif said...

Wow, thanks guys for all the comments. It's good to know I'm not the only one! Bek, yeah, been writing for about the same amount of time, have to remind myself it took many great, well-known writers (who put in more effort than I have) longer to crack into publishing their stuff than this - they probably felt like this, too, at times. Rach, G is right, have to enjoy life NOW. Can't keep chasing rainbows only to realise I was standing in one all this time... Wise man, he is!

Kate said...

Just wanted to send you hugs and say no, you are not alone.

Hope tomorrow is a brighter day.

PS sudden wintery onslaught has wrecked my head, maybe yours too?

Teenagers and the failing parent...