Sunday, May 01, 2011
Is this it, then?
Do you ever have days when you think, is this all there is?
I'm not sure what I'm expecting, but there are days, like today, when I wake up and think, where's my glory?
Okay, about half of you have started thinking about moving on to the next blog or maybe even scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush around about now, I know, it's kind of pathetic and a bit whiney to think stuff like that, but I can't help it - it just happens!
I'm not a believer in reincarnation in the sense of the soul moving from one body to another body after each lifetime, but if I were I'd be prone to wondering if I wasn't some sort of Empress or Movie Star or Goddess or something in a previous life, because I seem to have this expectation of something more, something glorious or glamourous and exciting just around the corner. I've been waiting for it for a long time, my fame.
Instead, I have a husband and four kids - all very much wanted and dreamed about.
Life is pretty good.
It just feels a bit mundane - I guess.
I have this feeling something amazing is supposed to happen, something life changing and wonderful, but I don't know what, or why it would happen to us. I thought maybe it was writing and become a well known and respected author, but possibly, quite possibly that won't be it at all. I'm not at all sure I have what it takes. I'm not sure I have any kind of talent and less in the way of determination.
So, then what? Am I going to be just another mum and wife and home-keeper (well, kind of, I'm not exactly at the top of my field in that respect either) - not that there is anything wrong with those things, they just not enough for me, personally. Will life always be a bit of struggle and full of unfulfilled dreams?
What a downer, I'm being (I imagine by this point I'm mostly just talking to myself).
I'm sure I'll feel differently again tomorrow - though that feeling of expectation never goes away, it's just that some days it seems completely possibly, and some days (like today, obviously) I feel like I'm deluding myself.
Do you ever feel this way - are we socially conditioned to feel like this maybe?
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