For the past couple of weeks I've been attending a chat on Twitter at midnight, on Sunday nights, under the hashtag of #soulchat. I saw a Twitter friend chatting using that hashtag and thought I'd check it out. The first week had me looking up my Dad's natal chart, which led me to searching for his dad online. I found out that Dad's biological dad had passed away 6 years ago this month. That was a strange discovery, I felt both sad and a sense of closure - and curious about that branch of my family, so I dug back a bit and found out my great grandparents names (Minnie and Lewis - my dad's second middle name is Lewis, though I was always led to believe it was spelled wrong and should have been Louis, I don't know why I was told that) and places of birth, and I found out my great grandmother was Prussian and that my great grandfather started out as a servant in a household where the lady of the house was only 26 and her husband was in his 70s and her name - before marriage - was Florence Nightingale! My great grandfather had gone on to work as a barman. My great great grandfather was a book seller and his name was William.
Last week the chat was about experiencing guidance and resistance. I was particularly interested in the resistance discussion as people were discussing the meaning of both internal resistance (the "I don't wanna"s) and external resistance. Most people agreed that external resistance was a sign that you weren't on the right path. I found this fascinating as most of my upbringing (within Christianity) had taught me that external resistance was - to put it plainly - that the devil was putting obstacles in your path, and that you should persist against those obstacles.
Over the past couple of years, I've often felt like I was repeatedly walking headlong into a thick glass wall. I could see the path ahead, but whichever way I turned, I would run into resistance.
I have been focused on three main things in the past two and half years.
- Dave getting full time work so we can start to save.
- Dave getting his licence (for so many reasons).
- Us getting out of the rental market.
Instead of saving money, getting our own place, and getting a car, two and half years later we're still stony broke, Dave now has no job (2.5 years ago he had casual work), and he is still doing driving lessons and working towards getting his licence.
I have tried to organise for us to meet the above mentioned goals, I've poured money into these goals, coaxed, cajoled, pestered and downright nagged to try and get things moving. I've worked myself into depressions and near nervous breakdowns. I prayed! I've bargained! I've even tried to just trust and be patient (okay, I haven't tried that last one for any great length of time, let's be realistic, this is ME I'm talking about).
It just never occurred to me that perhaps all the resistance was because this isn't actually the path for us? Maybe we're just not meant to be financially comfortable - at least not yet. Maybe Dave isn't meant to drive.
I've been so focused on a particular path, a particular destination, that it just hadn't occurred to me that maybe we're supposed to be going somewhere else, focusing on something else?
How do you experience guidance and resistance?