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Having trouble seeing beyond tomorrow...

Tomorrow is going to be a day. Huge, in fact. It's been looming on the horizon for a little while now, and I've lost track of the rest of my life because of it. No, it's not the Grumpy Old Man's next driving test - we're a few weeks off from that still. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Today I just need to get this disembodied feeling off my chest. I don't know why I do this, this hyperfocusing on a single day which becomes so big to me it almost blocks out the sun. The funny thing is, I think other people would just go, 'Relax, it's really not that big a deal. People do this all the time.' And they'd be right - just this past week I've seen three very similar announcements. It's no biggie. I'm just excited because it's unexpected and because it feels like a lot of responsibility, and maybe just a little because I think people might judge me irresponsible. Or maybe I'm just projecting my own fears because I know this situation isn't 100% ideal. Still, I know we've made the right decision, and I have high hopes it will work out beautifully. I'm optimistic like that. Still, I feel disembodied. Disconnected from my life. I feel like I'm floating away from the things that only a few short months ago were my purpose in life. I haven't participated in any writing exercises in ages. I just feel too flimsy, like I couldn't bear the weight of writing a story. I fear sitting down and starting and feeling compelled to walk away from an unfinished piece because my head is all over the place. I feel disjointed. The synapses can't maintain a connection for very long these days. I can play bejewelled and I can crochet because some pocket of my mind does these things on automatic, but when I attempt any kind of critical thought my head spins and my mind chucks a tanty and storms out. Maybe I have a candida overload and need some probiotics? I keep thinking after tomorrow I'll feel better, more contained. After tomorrow life can 'get back to normal'. But there is a nagging feeling it won't. That possibly I've gotten myself stuck in a place where my mind can't reconnect with my body and I'm forever rendered completely useless in the pursuit of those things which used to drive me; writing and studying... Maybe I'll just be a mum from now on. Nothing wrong with that, if that's your joy. It isn't my joy - I like it, I adore my kids, but it isn't enough for me - it doesn't fill the gnawing hole in my gut that only feels sated when I'm writing and/or studying. I want this feeling to go away, but I suspect it won't until I can see past tomorrow...

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