This may be a genetic fault on my father's side. He's been living on borrowed time since he was forty-five. That is to say, he always believed he would die young, not live far past the age of forty-five, and so, now at the age of almost sixty-three, he's been on borrowed time for the past eighteen years.
I wasn't ever conscious of my belief that I might not live long until early this morning, when I realised that when I try to project myself into my life down the track there is a definite dark horizon rising up to meet me in only a couple of years time.
I realised that it's been there for a very long time, but now that I've stepped into my forties it seems to be much clearer. I can't really see my life beyond forty-two or forty-three.
That doesn't necessarily mean I won't live beyond that time, so don't everyone start panicking - I'll probably be around to annoy you all beyond then... I think.
What it might mean is that my life plans don't reach much further than that.
I cannot tell you why. Maybe life has just been hard recently and so my imagination can't cope with anything past the next little while.
I realised while I was thinking about all of this that this inability to see a long future is what is causing me stress in my every day life. I really feel like I'm running out of time to achieve what I want to achieve in my life. I feel very much as if my life hasn't stood for much.
I have four beautiful children who I believe will do well in life. I have a lovely husband and I have known what it is to be loved. These things are more than what a lot of people manage in their lifetime. Still, I feel that I, personally, have not achieved much.
I thought I would achieve so much more. I always had a strong sense that I would contribute something significant to this world. I feel that I am running out of time to do that.
It's a horrible feeling, I have to say.
I feel so tired all the time, too.
Maybe this is just ego.
The other thing this dark horizon could be, is the knowledge that I'm starting to lose sight. My vision has been stable most of my life, at least since the age of three. This year it has started to deteriorate; at first, just a little but recently, much more obviously to me. I made the decision last night to go to Vision Australia and purchase the magnifiers I have actively avoided since the age of ten. I can't avoid them anymore. I can barely read normal print anymore and glasses don't help.
I know there is life beyond blindness. I know many, many people who live full and very productive lives without much, if any, vision at all.
Still, I'm a visual person and I don't want to miss seeing beautiful things. I don't want to miss seeing my kids faces as they grow, my husband's eyes, Erik's drawings and paintings, all the images I would photograph...
Well, how depressing is this, hey?
Anyway, now I understand better why I've always felt, 'on the clock' with my life. I've always had a grand plan and a timeline that I was either sticking to or falling behind on. At the moment, I'm way, way behind in many areas, and I think that is a very big part of the stress I'm experiencing.
People keep telling me to be patient and it will all work out. They don't see the dark horizon I've been seeing subconsciously, they don't hear the clock ticking down.
Do you feel, 'on the clock' in your life. Do you have self-imposed deadlines or a grand plan for your life or a bucket list you feel compelled to make happen?