Saturday, September 22, 2012

It's all happening here.

The Grumpy Old Man and the two older boys left for mother-in-law's about an hour ago. They have a full day of helping MIL clear out excess stuff from her house. She has told the GOM she wants to put the house on the market in November, so I'm expecting the next few weekends will involve the Grumpy Old Man and the boys regularly being dispatched to 'Nanna's' in this fashion.

I've chucked Bryn and Ari outside. Ari has been cooped up here at the house all week. We have a marvellous big back yard full of outdoor equipment but he won't go out there on his own for long and neither the GOM or I are inclined to sit out there with him - I know, we suck as parents, I have been suffering some unusual parental guilt over this, but we honestly have a lot of do inside the house, too. It was so much easier with the other three. Erik and Luey had each other and Bryn was always happy to potter around on his own. Ari is a different sort of kid, he wants lots of interaction with other people  (he's going to love kindergarten!).

So, Bryn is running Ari ragged outside for me right now - something I'm very grateful for. I just checked on them, and in fact Ari is pottering around on his own and so is Bryn - I think Ari just needs to know someone is close by.

Yesterday we discovered that the conditions of entry for the school fair art show have changed. Apparently, artists under 16 are not longer eligible to submit canvases to the art show. They can only submit mounted drawings up to A3 in size and this will be displayed separately in crates people flipped through to one side of the exhibition. Yesterday, I felt really angry about this. Today, I just feel sad. The GOM is determined to fight this change on Erik's behalf as we both believe its a condition based on the erroneous idea that artists under 16 cannot offer work to exhibition standard. We feel Erik absolutely can. He has been working on this piece for six weeks already. He's been planning it for much longer - since the exhibition last year.

This is where he is up to as of last night.
I need to have more faith that the committee will see that while he is well under sixteen years of age, he is not offering up an immature artwork.

Deep breath, moving along...

I've been struggle with anger all week again. Well, not all week, mostly since Thursday. I'm pretty sure it's hormonal. My cycles are getting shorter (between 22 and 25 days in the past couple of months). I might need to start taking some B6 took elongate them a bit and give myself a bit of a break. Knowing I'm at the mercy of my hormones also causes me to feel angry.

A lot of anger is stemming from fear of moving in with MIL. Well, not actually living with her myself, but more so attempting to communicate to the boys about the needs of an old woman for peace and quiet. I don't want the boys to be quiet as church mice - I don't think MIL would be expecting that. I just need them to bring it down to a dull roar.

That and this habit they have of dropping stuff wherever they stand and walking away. They've done this forever. I've talked, pleaded, explained, yelled and punished them for doing this for years - seemingly to no avail. I'm not particularly tolerant of mess because of my low vision. I find visual clutter almost impossible to navigate. So, I keep a fairly tight ship, but this often involves yelling (because I insist they pick up after themselves) and I really don't want to be yelling once we move in with MIL. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to yelling, yelling leads to more fear. It's not a good cycle. Hopefully by being aware of it, I can conquer it.

Bryn had another incident with the 'new kid' later this week (after the talk with Bryn on Tuesday). He felt he could deal with this kid on his own - which involved clocking the kid over the head with his fist. While the teacher did talk to me about it, I sensed she understood Bryn's frustration but had to draw the line at a physical response from Bryn to the ongoing taunts. Bryn and I have roll-played him clearly and firm stating, 'Stop! I don't like it!' as he had apparently not actually verbally told the other child he didn't like being wrestled to the ground.

I feel that I'm not meeting my children's needs at the moment. Erik needs patience (and my cupboard is bare), Lukas needs encouragement with his school work, Bryn needs to feel heard - at the moment he is feeling ignored, Ari needs to get out into nature a lot more than he is right now - he needs to burn off all that excess energy and be stimulated.

I feel so tired and overwhelmed and unable to do the bare minimum, let along the extra mile that being a parent constantly seems to require.

I haven't started doing yoga or meditating. I need to make those a priority, but instead I keep making excuses - mostly that there is no peace and quiet in this house, when I know the problem is all the noise in my head.

Right now, I'm going to go have some brunch, then clean the house while half the family is out from under my feet.

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Good Job!