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Get out of the house... And then what?

I just got back from grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. I feel 'in the way' at the deli asking for 5kg of chicken, 6 schnitzels, 5 chicken wings, 1.5 kg of marinaded drumsticks and 250g of shaved ham all in one go, but the thought of having to grocery shop more than fortnightly is even more painful.

We get in there, shop, get out and get a cab home.

I guess, what makes this worse for me is that this is the one 'outing' I can count on every fortnight. This is literally the second time I've left the house this fortnight. The other time was on Tuesday to take Erik to the optometrist. Again it was a cab there, the appointment and a cab home.

The solutions is, of course, that I need to get out of the house more.

That is a lot easier than it sounds.

We've been so-very-good with our budget in recent months, trying to live within our means and also save for Erik to start high school. We need money for his fees, the laptop hire, uniforms, books and the first school camp (for getting to know other kids at school). Even thought he is going to a public school - a state funded school - these cost amount to about $2000. We currently have $300. I think by the end of January we will have $1200, and then there will be the school kids bonus for the three boys which should make up the rest (we hope).

So, our budget is very strictly and there is nothing left over for socialising with friends.

I managed to finish last fortnight with $33 in my account (the Grumpy Old Man had none in his). I achieved this by not going anywhere, except Erik's optometry appointment and the shopping. The boys had playdates in the holidays, we invited their friends over. Bryn did attend a party - other people's kids parties have cost us nearly $500 this year (the boys averaging 8-9 parties each, and the invites keep coming), the reason we let them go to all the parties is that we are pleased they get invites, we don't want to discourage that at all. The boys don't get outings outside of these invites, they don't do extracurricular activities (Erik and Luey have had one term each this year).

Bryn and Ari went to stage show because I managed to win some tickets. So I think the boys had a decent holiday without us having to borrow money from MIL.

I did have to cancel picking up my new reading glasses - but that was only postpone until Tuesday - and they're only $35 anyway.

I complained to mum the other day that it doesn't feel fair that we are being so good and there's no reward - as in we don't get to have any fun. She said the reward is in knowing all the bills are paid and there is plenty of food in the fridge and cupboards. This is true.

Still, being a shut in with nothing much to occupy my mind isn't particularly good for my mental health.

You might be wondering what the two have to do with each other. Well, it's simple really, if I have a place to go, a purpose which takes me to place where I interact with other people purposefully, I can get out of the house because I feel like I have a valid reason for taking up space 'out there'. I still worry about getting in people's way, but somehow I feel I have more of a right to do so because I also have somewhere to be and something to do achieve.

I keep thinking I should start walking again. It costs nothing and the weather is getting better.

The thing is, agoraphobia has such a grip on me at the moment. The thought of leaving the house by myself with no purpose other than to walk is scary. It's not rational, I won't pretend it is. I used to be able to just plot a route, put my headphones on and go, but now the thought of doing that causes me to feel nervous and a bit teary. I don't know what I think will happen if I do this. I just know it fills me with dread.

I feel trapped.

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Comments

Rhianna SG said…
Oh Sif xxxx That must be the worst feeling ever. My brain can not comprehend how you must be feeling. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. Get those headphones on and get out there. You do have a purpose for doing so. The purpose is your health and well being.
Nic said…
Im so sorry your feeling this way Sif xx

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