Friday, November 16, 2012

Fighting the skittish white rabbit...

If depression is represented by a lurking black dog, then I think anxiety should be represented by a skittish white rabbit. White because it is conspicuous, skittish because it's difficult to grasp and can run away with a person's rational thinking.

Today I've been battling the skittish white rabbit.

It sits there twitching and taunting me but whenever I reach out to wring its neck it hops away, never completely away, just far enough away to be conspicuous and out of reach.

I feel physically sick from it. I mean, as I sit hear there is an uneasy feeling in my stomach which has been around since the kindergarten AGM last night. I went there, to the AGM, on my own. The environment was familiar, and I knew I'd know at least one other face. I did everything right; didn't stumble on my words, had all the right forms and all the right money. The one person I knew came over to talk to me for a quite a while and we laughed - and that bloody white rabbit twitched and twitched and wouldn't leave me alone.

I felt conspicuous and wrong.

I had a little conversation with a couple sitting in front of me who I didn't know and that went fine, they were very nice, and I felt conspicuous and wrong and in the way.

I came home afterwards with a pounding headache.

I went to bed feeling feverish and woke a couple of hours later still feeling feverish and headachy. I took Neurofen and managed to get back to sleep quickly enough. I woke feeling dazed and confused this morning.

I took Ari with me to meet a friend and go to another friend's house for lunch. Everyone was lovely and we talked and laughed - and I felt conspicuous and wrong and in the way and a nuisance. I fought the feeling, nothing in the other people's behaviour suggested I was any of the things I was feeling, but that's agoraphobia for you. My rational brain was in the firm grip of that skittish white rabbit and ever out of my reach.

Tonight I've considered withdrawing from social media. I've considered withdrawing from people altogether. Withdrawing sounds good, easy, safe. My social score card is constantly in the red and I struggle daily to balance it out, but maths was never my strong suit and, as it turns out, neither are people. I've fantasised about becoming a recluse who works on her PhD and only talks to her immediate family because I don't feel conspicuous and wrong and in the way and a nuisance with them.

Of course, I can't do that - I don't even really want to do that.

What I want to do is ring that bloody twitching white rabbit's scrawny little neck!

I wish I could be different - not different from others, just different from me. I wish I could blend in and be inconspicuous. I watched all the mums at the kinder AGM last night; the way they were, the way they dressed, the way they talked. I wanted to be like that.

But it's ridiculous because I know I would only feel like a fraud if I attempted to be like them - I have attempted that once or twice...


I wish I was invisible.


Me said...

I wish I could suggest something that would help but, having been following your story for a while I know that you have tried different avenues of assistance.
I have never really fitted in with others - I really battle socially but I am forcing myself to push my boundaries and get out there to meet people and do things I have never done before.
Menopause really stuffed that up as I was suffering from anxiety to the point where I would get in the car in the morning to come to work and sit there for ages before I plucked up the courage to actually start the car and get moving. I felt like a total fraud - like I didn't deserve this job or my family - why was I driving ? I shouldn't be driving. Turns out a lot of that was due to menopause and now that I am on medication, I am managing so much better. I still have moments - but not nearly as many as I used to have.
I hope you managed to find a solution - you shouldn't want to be invisible. You have so much to offer - great insights come through your blog.
Have the best day you possibly can !

Sif Dal said...

Thanks :). You may be onto something, though I have felt this way for many years, but am now beginning to destill these thoughts and feelings. My mum was recently diagnosed with ADHD and started medication and says it has been amazing how different she feels. She says anxiety and depression as known mental illnesses associated with - triggered by - ADHD. She is strongly encouraging me to have this investigated again in light of her own diagnosis. If only I could get past the anxiety of fronting up to a GP... Thank you for your well wishes. i sometimes feel like I'm standing in a spotlight under a sign that say 'wrong' and I'm powerless to change myself.

Unknown said...

I love your association of the rabbit with anxiety. I hate that you are feeling all wrong. Switch off if you need to - be kind to yourself.

Jayne said...

I understand completely. I often feel this way. Some days it's hard to keep on struggling against the anxiety, but I know I feel much better when I do. Also, I've found for me, it's good on the bad days to reflect on the fact that this is just pone day; some days are good, some great, some bad, some mediocre. If it's any help, I honetsly think more people feel like this than ever admit to it xox

Good Job!