Today I've been battling the skittish white rabbit.
It sits there twitching and taunting me but whenever I reach out to wring its neck it hops away, never completely away, just far enough away to be conspicuous and out of reach.
I feel physically sick from it. I mean, as I sit hear there is an uneasy feeling in my stomach which has been around since the kindergarten AGM last night. I went there, to the AGM, on my own. The environment was familiar, and I knew I'd know at least one other face. I did everything right; didn't stumble on my words, had all the right forms and all the right money. The one person I knew came over to talk to me for a quite a while and we laughed - and that bloody white rabbit twitched and twitched and wouldn't leave me alone.
I felt conspicuous and wrong.
I had a little conversation with a couple sitting in front of me who I didn't know and that went fine, they were very nice, and I felt conspicuous and wrong and in the way.
I came home afterwards with a pounding headache.
I went to bed feeling feverish and woke a couple of hours later still feeling feverish and headachy. I took Neurofen and managed to get back to sleep quickly enough. I woke feeling dazed and confused this morning.
I took Ari with me to meet a friend and go to another friend's house for lunch. Everyone was lovely and we talked and laughed - and I felt conspicuous and wrong and in the way and a nuisance. I fought the feeling, nothing in the other people's behaviour suggested I was any of the things I was feeling, but that's agoraphobia for you. My rational brain was in the firm grip of that skittish white rabbit and ever out of my reach.
Tonight I've considered withdrawing from social media. I've considered withdrawing from people altogether. Withdrawing sounds good, easy, safe. My social score card is constantly in the red and I struggle daily to balance it out, but maths was never my strong suit and, as it turns out, neither are people. I've fantasised about becoming a recluse who works on her PhD and only talks to her immediate family because I don't feel conspicuous and wrong and in the way and a nuisance with them.
Of course, I can't do that - I don't even really want to do that.
What I want to do is ring that bloody twitching white rabbit's scrawny little neck!
I wish I could be different - not different from others, just different from me. I wish I could blend in and be inconspicuous. I watched all the mums at the kinder AGM last night; the way they were, the way they dressed, the way they talked. I wanted to be like that.
But it's ridiculous because I know I would only feel like a fraud if I attempted to be like them - I have attempted that once or twice...
I wish I was invisible.